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"Enough that you should have known better"
That catches s
I should have known better
Of course I should have Things with Nate were never quite right, and I should have known that I liked hi reasons, that I had to work too hard for his regard, that he didn’t care about ht way I think that was always part of his h for him, that he’d picked me out but I was a little too brainy, a little too na&iuning to go out with ured it all out eventually I broke up with hi, because at Putnaht find soure it out soon enough
Be careful what you put on the Internet I’ve heard it a hundred tie Don’t let yourself be made a victim, because if you do, it’s your fault Your mistake
I knew the pictures were a bad idea I had my mouth on Nate’s dick when he lifted the phone in the air and took the first one, and it didn’t feel sexy It didn’t feel risky or clever, a secret shared between us It felt wrong
I decided to give him what he wanted so he would be nice to me So he would approve of me, act like he loved me, like he was proud of me
He took that picture He came in my mouth
Afterward, he wanted to do body shots One, two, three, four My cleavage sticky, my senses dulled, hteen years old, and I thought I loved him I should have known, but I didn’t
And I don’t deserve to be abused for it Judged for it Called names
I don’t deserve to have my life ruined
"I trusted him"
"You shouldn’t have Do you think Professor Donaldson will be able to write you a recoraphs on his ence, your drive, when he’s seen this?"
"Probably not"
"Do you think you’ll be able to get an internship this summer, next year? That you’ll be able to apply for scholarships with this on your record?"
"I know it’s an embarrassment, Dad, but--"
"It’s not an embarrassht as well have committed a felony, Caroline, and all because you didn’t use your head"
"Nate is the one who posted the pictures"
"And you’re the one who let hiusted sound Looks away from me Wipes his hand over his mouth
"You shouldn’t have," he says, for the second tiht you had better judgusted with those pictures, and I’ insideit breaks--it’s not ment of the bubble It’s the part ofin hope that if I were perfect, he would love me best Love me most Love me always And his love would usted him It hurts to know that from here on out, he’ll never love me in quite the same way, if he finds a way to love me at all
But I don’t need his love to be powerful
I’h work for , that I could spend the rest ofit
"I’m sorry you’re disappointed," I tell him "But I’m human I’m nineteen I make mistakes sometiht away Maybe that makes this harder for you, because I’ve had seven months to think about what these pictures mean and you’ve had, like, seven hours"
I step closer to hihtly--ifI’hter
"But, Daddy? Here’s what they ainst me, from someone I never treated badly They’re undeserved And even if they were deserved, what does that mean, exactly? That if soet the right to callto tellhis camera, I deserve whatever happens to me, forever? I deserve this attack because I asked for it? Do you hear how ugly that is?"
"I never said you asked for it" He sounds different, his voice choked and unsettled
"Yeah You did"
My father has always toldwhat I want in life is to knohat I want You figure it out, and then you go after it
So I make him look at me I make him hear me
"You did"
This isto use it whether he likes it or not
I’
West stands up as soon as he spotsin the Student Affairs reception area, sprawled opposite the office assistant in a high-backed pink chair that is too s for over an hour, but he’s in exactly the sa different is that his hair has arranged itself into grooves--plowed-through furrows that I stare at blankly for a ers
How h his hair to leave it looking like a springtiet close, slides his hand to h the door and into the hallway
Student Affairs takes up part of the baseallery and soht white labyrinth down here, and I’ lost in it, but I’m pretty sure we ca me
"Okay, I think I told theave the printouts They’re supposed to talk to Nate next, and then we’ll see"
West’s expression darkens "That’s it? ‘We’ll see’?"