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"It’s okay"

I’d rather be alone My hands are shaking, and my knees still feel a little untrustworthy

"I’ll tell West no harm, no foul, okay?"

"Huh?"

"I’ll say you’re not hurt"

But I a sos, there’s raw, sliced-open flesh that won’t close up It hurts all the ti on that pain

"Tell him whatever you want"

He still looks aard, but he says, "Later" When I say it back, he goes

The door closes with a quiet thud

I lean against the paper-towel dispenser, listening to the water run, and take deep breaths

In Out

In Out

By the eighth breath, I’ve ed to banish most of the fear and tune out the pain I’ve had a feeeks to practice I’s

The key is to keep busy To set goals and tick them off the list, one after another I can’t stand here all day breathing I have to get to lunch, because I’ve got a buttload of studying to do beforeat three I need to look atLatin, and I know I’le alert I have so

This is whatto do

Before, I was a diligent student I printed out nated study sessions neatly labeled and shaded to match I three-hole-punched all my syllabi and made special binders, one for each class, with custo spreadsheets to trackout my sex pictures froe, the site host, the date and ti and developeddown site owners’ contact infores until they remove every last photo of me froa is to spend a lot of tis I wish I didn’t have to I know e frat boy does I have seen eleven lifetimes’ worth of veiny, erect penises Whenever I lie down and close my eyes, my brain treats me to a clip show of the Day in Porn, and I hear theme fro but a cockgobbling whore

I’ll hold you down and fuck those tits See how hot you feel then

I knohat they think of hts I can’t sleep, so I sneak out of the doret and drive in circles around Putnam

I hear those men because I don’t have a choice

I drive because I don’t knohat else to do

But I don’t have to fall apart I thought I did at first, when I saw the pictures That life as I kneas over, and I just had to deal

I rong I have choices Not falling apart is , whether I’ve slept or not, whether I’ve iven in and sobbed in the shohere no one can hear me--the sun comes up, and I make my choice

Today won’t be the day this breakswad of bloody towel and rinseit on a fresh towel My sweater is a lost cause I pull it over my head and toss it in the trash can It was cheap, anyway, and starting to pill

I stick the cuff ofto reet blood out I never get it right I should look it up on ure out why West just punched Nate

Yeah That, too

Unless I already knohy I hope not, though God, I hope not

I have to treat this whole deal as oneto cope with That’s all it is A probleh

The h at me, fill my head with their poison They can look at me naked, jerk off to me, post comments with photos of their dicks covered in semen, their fists wrapped around, the screens of their coround with my body on them

I can’t help it, Caroline, they can tellhot!

They’ve done all of that already They’ve made it so I can’t walk around ca slutty and stupid and completely at fault

But I won’t let theh intoout the wet, then shove e my shirt later For now, this is the best I can do Lip balm Hairbrush

One step after another, hour after hour, day after day, until it gets better

If I keep going, eventually it has to get better

I cross ca the blue sky, the cheerful red flowers, the students heading off in all directions, alone and in groups, purposeful as ants

Before, I was so excited to be back at Putnas and the arched open-air ay that connects the dorreen lawn I love e where I’ivesout about Rachel Maddow Pretty much everybody at this school is at least a little bit of a nerd

But in the past feeeks, Putna is, Nate didn’t just post the pictures He used the website where they went up to forward an anonyot eet to tell otten it in her college email seven times Seven There are only fourteen hundred students at Putnaine howthe ones who aren’t my best friend