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She had a strong psychological need--aluide and shape children, to give theh and sufficiently self-aware to

realize that this deep-seated need arose, at least in part, from her inability to conceive a child of her own flesh and blood

The thing antwe cannot have

She was to blaivable act of stupidity coo; and of course her culpability made her condition harder to bear than it would have been if nature--rather than her own foolishness--had cursed her with a barren womb She had been a severely troubled child, for she had been raised by violent, alcoholic parents who had frequently beaten her and who had dealt out large doses of psychological torture By the tiry rebellion against her parents and against the world at large She hated everyone in those days, especially herself In the blackest hours of her confused and torhtened, panicky, with no one to turn to, she tried to conceal her condition by wearing girdles, by binding herself with elastic cloth and tape, and by eating as lightly as possible to keep her weight down Eventually, however, conancy, and she nearly died The baby was born prematurely, but it was healthy She had put it up for adoption and hadn’t given it h these days she often wondered about the child and wished she could have kept it somehow At the time, the fact that her ordeal had left her sterile did not depress her, for she didn’t think she would ever want to be pregnant again But with a lot of help and love froist na juvenile wards of the court, Carol had turned her life completely around

She had learned to like herself and, years later, had cohtless actions that had left her barren

Fortunately, she regarded adoption as a more-than-adequate solution to her proble as iven to her own offspring She knew she would be a good and caring ed to prove it--not to the world but to herself; she never needed to prove anything to anyone but herself, for she was always her own toughest critic

Mr O’Brian looked up froly white "This looks really fine," he said, indicating the for "In fact, it’s splendid Not everyone that applies to us has credentials like these"

"It’s kind of you to say so," Paul told him

O’Brian shook his head "Not at all It’s simply the truth Very i back in his chair, folding his hands on his stomach, O’Brian said, "I do have a couple of questions I’m sure they’re the saht as well get your responses now and save a lot of back-and-forth later on"

Carol stiffened again

O’Brian apparently noticed her reaction, for he quickly said, "Oh, it’s nothing terribly serious Really, it isn’t Believeyou half as many questions as I ask most couples who come to see us"

In spite of O’Brian’s assurances, Carol rerew steadily darker as the thunderheads changed color froray to blue black, thickened, and pressed closer to the earth

O’Brian swiveled in his chair to face Paul "Dr Tracy, would you say you’re an overachiever?"

Paul seemed surprised by the question He blinked and said, "I’m not sure what you lish at the college, aren’t you?"

"Yes I’m on sabbatical this ses for the tie of the depart to hold such a post?"

"So," Paul admitted "But that’s no credit to lory My senior colleagues in the department craftily maneuvered me into it so that none of themodest The departmental chairmanship was a prized position, an honor But she understood why Paul was playing it down; he had been unsettled by O’Brian’s use of the word overachiever She had been unsettled by it, too Until thislist of achievehtning zigzagged

down the sky The day flickered and, just for a second or two, so did the electric lights in O’Brian’s office

Still addressing Paul, O’Brian said, "You’re also an author"

"Yes"

"You’ve written a very successful textbook for use in Araphs on a variety of subjects, and you’ve done a local history of the county And two children’s books, and a novel

"The novel was about as successful as a horse trying to walk a tightrope," Paul said "The New York Times critic said it was ‘a perfect exa, stuffed full of the in substance and narrative drive, infused with ivory-tower naiveté"

O’Brian smiled "Does every writer memorize his bad reviews?"

"I suppose not But I have that one engraved on my cerebral cortex because there’s an unco another novel? Is that why you’ve taken a sabbatical?"

Paul was not surprised by the question Clearly he now understood what O’Brian was digging for "Yes, in fact I ahed with easy self-deprecation

"You’re also involved in charity work"

"Not reed "The Children’s Hospital Fund, the Coe--all of that in addition to your regular job and your writing Yet you don’t think you’re an overachiever?"

"No, I really don’t think I as aed forward on his chair

"Maybe you’re worried that I won’t have ti you, then you can put your mind at rest I’ll make the time This adoption is extremely important to us, Mr O’Brian We both want a child very badly, and if we are lucky enough to get one, we certainly won’t ever neglect it"

"Oh, I’ his hands placatingly "That isn’t at all what I meant to imply Oh, certainly not I’m on your side in this matter I mean that very sincerely" He swiveled to face Carol "Dr Tracy--the other Dr Tracy-- what about you? Do you consider yourself an overachiever?"