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In this bulk of clothing, Angela appeared thinner and more diminutive than ever Evidently she re

She hugged h I sensed in her an uncharacteristic fatigue

She sat at the polished-pine table and invited me to take the chair opposite hers

I took offmy jacket as well The kitchen was too warm The pistol was in ht fall out on the floor or knock against the chair as I pulled ela, and she was sure to be frightened by the gun

In the center of the table were three votive candles in little ruby-red glass containers Arteries of shiht crawled across the polished pine

A bottle of apricot brandy also stood on the table Angela had provided lass was full to the brilass in both hands, as if taking warmth from it, and when she raised it with both hands to her lips, she looked auntness, she could have passed for thirty-five, nearly fifteen years younger than her true age At this moment, in fact, she seeirl, all I ever really wanted to be was a nurse"

"And you’re the best," I said sincerely

She licked apricot brandy frolass "My ressed more quickly than usual So fast By the ti crutches Shortly after my twelfth birthday, she was bedridden She died when I was sixteen"

I could say nothing ful or helpful about that No one could have Any words, no matter how sincerely ar is bitter

Sure enough, she had so important to tell me, but she needed time to marshal all the words into orderly ranks and march them across the table at me Because whatever she had to tell me--it scared her Her fear was visible: brittle in her bones and waxy in her skin

Sloorking her way to her true subject, she said, "I liked to bring et thelass of iced tea A sandwich HerLater, it was a bedpan And toward the end, fresh sheets when she was incontinent I never ht her things, smoothed my hair with her poor swollen hands I couldn’t heal her, or ain or dance, couldn’t relieve her pain or her fear, but I could attend her,those things was "

The apricot brandy was too sweet to be called brandy but not as sweet as I had expected Indeed, it was potent No aela her mother

"All I ever wanted to be was a nurse," she repeated "And for a long ti work Scary and sad, too, e lost a patient, but " When she looked up from the brandy, her eyes were pried wide open by a meht I was going to lose my little Chris"

"I was nineteen Not too little"

"Honey, I’ve been your visiting nurse since you were diagnosed when you were a toddler You’ll always be a little boy to et that the directness hich I express my best emotions is unusual, that it can startle people and--as in this case--move them more deeply than I expect

Her eyes clouded with tears To repress them, she bit her lip, but then she resorted to the apricot brandy

Nine years ago, I’d had one of those cases of appendicitis in which the symptoms do not manifest until the condition is acute After breakfast, I suffered , red-faced, and gushing sweat Stomach pain twistedoil of a deep fryer

My life was put at risk because of the delay caused by the need for extraordinary preparations at Mercy Hospital The surgeon was not, of course, a the procedure in a dark--or even di rooery was certain to result in a severe burn to any skin not protected fro of the incision Covering everything below the point of incision--froroin topinned to prevent it fro was used to ined to protect ist to slip under froht, to take as mask, and to ensure that the electrodes froraph remained securely in place onof my heart Their standard procedure required that my abdomen be draped except for aof exposed skin at the site of the surgery, but in ularhad to be reduced to the narrowest possible slit With self-retaining retractors to keep the incision open and judicial use of tape to shield the skin to the very lip of the cut, they dared to slice ht that ot that far, my appendix had burst In spite of a meticulous cleanup, peritonitis ensued; an abscess developed and iftly followed by septic shock, requiring a second surgical procedure two days later

After I recovered froer of imminent death, I lived for ger one of the neurological problems related to XP Generally these conditions develop after a burn or following long-terht--or for reasons not understood--but soendered by severe physical trau loss Slurred speech Even ressive, irreversible neurological disorder--but they never careat poet, wrote that death is at the bottom of everyone’s cup But there is still so another thick sip froela said, "All I ever wanted was to be a nurse, but look at me now"

She wantedat captive fla is about life I’m about death now"

I didn’t knohat she s," she said

"I’s, and I haven’t tried to stop theuilt’s the same"

"Could you have stopped theht about that awhile "No," she said, but she looked no less troubled

"No one can carry the whole world on her shoulders"

"Soave her ti to tell you, it has to be now I don’t have ?"

"I feel it I don’t knoho I’ll be a month from now, or six months Someone I won’t like to be Someone who terrifies me"

"I don’t understand"

"I know"

"How can I help?" I asked

"No one can help Not you Not aze frolass, she spoke quietly but fiercely: "We’re screwing it up, Chris, like ays do, but this is bigger than we’ve ever screwed up before Because of pride, arrogance, envy…we’re losing it, all of it Oh, God, we’re losing it, and already there’s no way to turn back, to undo what’s been done"

Although her voice was not slurred, I suspected that she had drunk lass of apricot brandy I tried to take coerate, that whatever loo catastrophe she perceived was not a hurricane but only a squall nified by mild inebriation