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AS SOON AS the doctor caery ell and that she was resting co to do, I know, but I couldn’t take it anymore I couldn’t stand to drink oneto pick up some food so we didn’t have to eat one rabbed the keys fro but drive around for an hour I drove past Seduction and Snacks where we made our dreams come true, the park where Claire and I used to take the kids when they were little, the eleot kicked out of the PTA for rolling our eyes at the president when she told us we needed to be h school where we met and then later sent our own kids, and finally, the hotel where Gavin and Charlotte had decided to have their wedding reception in sixwe used to talk about when they were babies and it’s actually happening We’ve been fighting over what color dresses we’re going to wear and who’s going to cater the event and what song would be the perfect one to dance to when it cohter, , all theseand now I don’t know if my best friend will even be there when our children tie the knot There hasn’t been one major event in est one of all is coht have to do it on my own It’s not fair I can’t do this without her I can’t do anything without her
Before I head back to the hospital, I decide to stop by Claire’s house and pick up a few things that shein her closet, but I’o back to the hospital just yet I need soht so I don’t break down crying as soon as I walk into her roo into the driveway, I see Carter’s car parked in front of the garage and wonder what he’s doing ho he had the same idea as et close to the kitchen, a can of green beans coht next to ht as Carter reaches into the pantry and swipes his ar cans of soup, boxes of Mac N Cheese, canisters of sugar and about a hundred other things crashing to the floor When the pantry is e out pots and pans and tossing them across the room Pans crash into the table, lids s of flour out of his way as he moves across the room to wreak havoc on the cupboards under the island Unfortunately, the toe of his shoe hits the bag of flour just right and the entire thing explodes, a cloud of white powder poofing all over the floor and the front of his jeans
"MOTHERFUCKER!" he screams
I’ve never seen Carter like this and for a minute, I’m afraid to approach him I quickly pull out et their asses over here and helpin the doorway and stalks over to me as I shove my phone in my pocket
"I don’t knohat the fuck to do," he tellshis foot into a Tupperware dish, sending it flying across the room
"I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO!" he screams
He clutches his hands in his hair and I’round on his knees in the middle of the mess
"FUCK YOU, GOD! FUCK YOU FOR DOING THIS TO HER!" he cries, his shoulders shaking with sobs as he co over cans and boxes as I rush to his side and get down onshoulders
"This isn’t fair! Goddarily
His entire body is shaking and for the first ti sick, I don’t feel so helpless and alone All this ti whatever she needed and taking care of things when rage and fear were bubbling just under the surface We share a love for Claire that is different in a lot of ways, but so alike in others She is our soulto do everything we can towe can do
"I can’t do this without her, Liz, I can’t Every part of my life is wrapped up in her She’sHow am I supposed to live without her?" he sobs
I don’t kno to answer hi cliché She’s going to be fine You aren’t going to lose her She’s strong and she’s going to fight this
It’s all bullshit All of it We want her to be fine We want her to be with us forever, but that doesn’tto happen How do you prepare yourself for a life without your soulonto hope that they will be okay? You have to walk a fine line between hope and reality, and every single day that line gets thinner and thinner Eventually, you’re going to have to tip one way or another and you have no way of knohich way it will be It’s enough to drive you insane, to push you over the edge and ht you knew about yourself as a person