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"I can’t do this, Jake I don’t want to talk anyet up, but I stopped her

"Ivy, I have to finish saying what I need to say This is important I need you to listen to oing"

"None of this is your fault, baby girl…none of it Soeous soul and have a cross to bear, but you do not have to carry it alone I’ll continue todohen she said, "You’re leaving me You said you’d never leaveYou have enough on your plate But the truth is, I have been lonely and broken for a long time I didn’t even kno depressed I really was, until I ht me out of it"

She turned and looked at me like those words had assaulted her The sadness in her eyes was palpable, but I had to continue There was no going back now

"I fell in love with someone I never meant to, and I tried hard to avoid relationships with other people because I wanted to be able give you everything I had You deserve that But we haven’t had a real e for years I am not sure we ever really had a chance at that I’ve wanted to make sure I could still support you, so I never considered ending ourme?"

"I have taken the steps to file for divorce, yes BelieveI have ever had to do I met someone I love deeply I don’t want to keep that from you anymore It’s certainly not fair to stay e legally, but I a you I’ll never abandon you, Ivy"

She shook her head repeatedly and licked the tears that fell into her mouth when she said, "You say that now" She pushed o"

My eyes elling up, but I tried to re and continued hat I had planned to say "I will always make sure you are safe I will make sure you have health insurance, even if I have to pay for it s

It felt like she was punching ut The house monitor would probably coain

I spoke louder to get through to her "I a as I live I will always be there for you when you need me Please try not to hateback and forth on the sith her head down and her hands shaking It was killinghad I wanted to hold her, comfort her, but I knew she wouldn’t want that

"Get out of here before I call someone," she said

I stood up and walked toward the inside door, then turned back around wanting to convince her that nothing would change "I’ll see you this weekend, as always, Ivy"

She stayed rocking on the swing as I walked away, feeling like I had just gotten run over by a train

CHAPTER 26

I spent the next couple of days of that weekwith lawyers and social workers, deter to be okay I was told that even after a divorce, I could still be her conservator and ht -term insurance plan for her and had filled out so week

When I returned to the group ho at the clock on the wall The one picture of us that she had on her chest of draas cracked; she er at me

"Ivy?"

She didn’t respond and never took her eyes off the wall as she bounced back and forth between her toes and heels

I sat at the edge of her bed and rubbedclearly froht I hoped she at least remembered that I told her I would never abandon her

When my eyes wandered to the corner of the roouitar had been plucked off and led I walked over to it and when I picked it up, et this fixed, baby girl," I whispered, "I’ll fix it I’ to herself when I looked over at her I felt helpless

Her social worker walked in at that moment "Jake?"

I turned toward the door "Hi, Gina"

She looked over at Ivy "Hi, beautiful" Still in a catatonic state, Ivy ignored her

Gina and I walked out to the hall, and she whispered, "They told s around her roo some of the staff if they went near her It wasn’t quite bad enough for a hospitalization, but they asked me to check in on her every day this week"

"Thank you, Gina Thank you soup? Are you okay?"

She knew about the talk I had with Ivy andfor divorce I was sure I looked like shit I hadn’t shaved all week and slept like ass

"Honestly? Not really I’ve been dreading this for five years I don’t want to push her into an even worse state I could never live withhappened to her"

"Do you kno many of these situations I walk into everyday where the person has absolutely no one looking after them? I haven’t seen one spouse in your situation who has stayed as long as you have, certainly not one your age"

"I’ll always look out for her"

"You’re a good uilt had only just begun to eat away at ht, back at my sister’s house, I closed the door to my room and called Nina She had just arrived at her parents’ house in upstate New York for spring break She’d be there all week until the following Sunday

We last spoke on the phone a few nights ago right after I told Ivy about the divorce I was extreroup ho tothat had happened It was a relief that I didn’t have to keep any part of my life from her anymore Toward the end of the call, she told me she lovedout about Ivy It was only then that I was able to let her off the phone and fall asleep It was the first good night’s sleep I had in a while

When I called her tonight, though, I needed soto lose it if I couldn’t be with her soon Even though we had been talking on the phone, it had been several weeks since we had seen each other The need to be with her physically was beco unbearable I wanted to show her just how badly I needed her

"What are you doing right now?" I asked

"I just finished the dishes, a typical exciting night here at home here in the boonies How are you?"

"Iabout howthat she ithabout how much I love you"

"I love you too" She paused then said, "You know that, right? I feel like things have been so stressful lately and I haven’t said it one away, Jake, not even for a second"

I was going to explode

"Can you go into your roo okay?"

"Yeah I just want toto my room" The phone made a staticky sound as she walked "Okay, I’m here"

"Close the door and lock it"

"Are you sure everything is okay?"

"Yeah, baby, I aht now"

"The door is closed What’s going on?"

I let out a deep breath into the phone and madewith me "You locked it?"

"Yes"

"Howaway fro, but--"

"I would give anything to bury ht now, Nina"

"I aht"

"Fuck I wish you were here I’ down?"

"Mmm-hmm"

Froured out where I was going with this

"Close your eyes"

"Okay…closed"