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Chapter Thirty-seven

She looked up in confusion when I set the papers in front of her the next night

"What’s this?" she asked

I gave her a pen, took my own papers, and sat down across the table "I want us to redo our checklists"

"Us?" She se?"

I returned her smile with one of ht have In one or two areas, at least"

She took the pen and filled out the header "I can s as experienced"

I checked off the first few items on my list "I suppose you can"

"You’re still out of yourto fly with me"

I chuckled "Just fill out the list, Abby"

For the next fewpaper filled the kitchen

"You know," she said, "I don’t think you had kissing listed as a hard liht we’d already discussed that

I pretended not to hear her "Hmm?"

"If I’d looked at your list after you collaredto do"

I looked up at her so she would know the truth of , I would have had so to do"

"You’re the dominant; it’s not my place to question you"

I sether to kno , Abby And yes, it is your place to question me Why do you think I told you to speak freely at the kitchen table? Why do you think I gave you the library? In the future, please tell me what you feel in those places, okay?" Her eyes ith understanding "I want to know I need to know We’ll never groe don’t talk"

Her thumb stroked my knuckle "Okay," she said, but I knee had more to talk about

"Let’s finish the checklists and we’ll talk some more"

I finished my checklist quickly and watched as she filled out hers Every so often, she would nibble her botto, and then tap her pen on the table beforea decision

She’s so inexperienced You can’t fk this up again

"Okay," she finally said "I’ it in my mind to the one she had filled out before Soed and soer overto line it up with hers

"Do you have any questions?" I asked

"I don’t knohere to start"

"Should I go first?" I asked and, at her nod, I continued "You should knoill never violate your hard lie them, but I have to ask--what’s your proble because you have it marked as"--she looked down at my list--"like it a lot?"

"Yes, and I want to understand why canes are a hard limit, when so little else is"

"There was a case I read about one tiapore You know they cane people there?" She didn’t wait for me to respond, but continued "It’s for punish It bleeds and leaves scars"

I stared at her, confused "You think I would beat you until you bled, leaving scars, and enjoy it?"

"No" She shook her head "I justdidn’t want to try it"

"Didn’t?" I asked, picking up on the operative word

"I need to know more about them first"

"Okay We’ll leave it as a hard limit for now See if we can find a way to teach you ht I could use her like that I needed to think about how to introduce canes to her so she wouldn’t find the down my list "Hard limit?"

"Yes Always has been Alill be" Whileso I’d never do

"I just wondered what it would be like"

"It’s too dangerous I don’t feel co like that" But there was more, and this was a perfect opportunity to talk and show my new honesty "Beth wanted to try breath play, so I read up on it, spoke to a few doht her eye "I know h--I just couldn’tI can’t take that kind of risk I’ deal," I countered "After my failure with Melanie--"

"Wait a minute" She held up a hand "What’s this about your failure with Melanie?"

"I failed her I couldn’t be what she wanted"

"Look at me, Nathaniel," she said, and her eyes were livid "You didn’t fail Melanie Why do you think it was all on you? No, you couldn’t be what she wanted, but she couldn’t be what you needed"

"If I had just tried harder"

"You both would be miserable to this day," she said, and the wicked sparkle returned to her eyes "And where would that leave me?"