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"What?" he says, stepping back in surprise I drop rab his, and pull it up I curl bothit over in slowly, hoping I can paint a clear picture of the tailspin I was thrown into "When the doctor caht She smelled the beer on s, wrinkled her nose in disdain You kno that goes soreeree We often talked about people and first impressions Hell, I know I made an impression on his; it’s what attracted him, but we also knew it repelled others

"The doctor told ht, I think it rong of her to do it, but I didn’t know Not at twenty"

Hawke’s Adaruff with uneasiness "What did she do?"

I squeeze his hand still locked between both of aze at him I tell him as simply as I can, and try to keep the emotion out of my voice "She told me it was probably my fault I had s and what they can do to a fetus that early on in a pregnancy Didn’t s, and she never really even asked irl and was pretty clear that, although you could never know for certain, that’s probably what caused thehis hand out of my hold His arms immediately circle around ht, protectively, and growls again "I should track her down and--"

"She was right," I say cal I believe to be true about that night

Hawke pulls his upper body back, loosening his hold onhis head in denial, eyes filled with disavowal "No"

"Yes," I say firmly, and pull back His arister with ht twice about the e partied I assu bad would ever conant while I was on the pill I never gave two thoughts about the consequences of my actions because I ed up by you You co was about you, and as long as I had you, I didn’t care about anything else And don’t pretend it wasn’t the sa elseand stupid and in no way ready to really grasp the concept of love and co our child out because I never once thought our actions could ever cause us pain I was stupid, immature, and I knew--"

My voice cracks, oesthe party with me

"I just knew," I continue, embarrassed at the way my voice quavers with such heavy euilt I carried still weighs so heavy on ht waselse e twenty, we had no worries You were a hockey god and oddess and I walked on water as far as you were concerned I understand no the young heart and mind fail to see reality and prefer to live inside a false sense of security all in the name of true love If I had been clued in just a little…had I bothered to look away fro star for just a moment, maybe I would have paid more attention to the fact nancy test, and one to parties where there was cigarette and pot s all around Maybe I would have showed the maturity and wisdom that was necessary to prevent the death of our child--"

"Fuck," Hawke groans, that one word laced with such pain, his face is pale and his lips colorless He grabs ht to him "Not your fault, Vale Not your fault"

He squeezesthe coo I don’t believe him at all when he tells me it’s not my fault, but that part of me that always loved him revels in his loyalty tome back and forth in his arms "Not your fault"

Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault

"I’ainst my hair, then pulls back to look down at me His voice crackles with emotion Tears fill his eyes, then slip and fall down his cheeks "I should have gone with you You were ranted I should have been with you, and I would have been right there when that whack-job doctor dared to make you feel responsible I should have held your hand, and hugged you and kissed away your tears I should have assured you that we’d have other chances for babies and that there were a million reasons you could havehe’s saying I can’t stand the pain and grief he’s enduring right now I can’t stand that I took away his opportunity to be there for uilt presses down on me, and it’s never been ed Hawke all those years ago