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He's hurting too, I thought, but I didn't say it out loud because it wouldn't help anything So I just said, "I wish I had known If I had been paying attention, it would have been different"
Jeremiah shook his head "She didn't want you to know
She didn't want any of us to know She wanted it to be like this, so we pretended For her But I wish I could have told you It " He wiped his eyes with his T-shirt collar, and I could see hi one
I reached for hi seean to cry, really cry, but quietly We cried together, our shoulders shaking and shuddering with the weight of all of it We cried like that for a long tio of me and wiped his nose
"Scoot over," I said
He scooted closer to the wall, and I stretchedin here, okay," I said, but it wasn't a question
Jeremiah nodded and we slept like that, in our clothes on top of the coh ere older, it felt just the same We slept face-to-face, the e used to
I woke up early the nextto the side of the bed Jere I covered him with my side of the co Then I left
I headed back to my room, and I had my hand on the doorknob when I heard Conrad's voice "Goood ht away he'd seen me leave Jeremiah's roo there in last night's clothes, just like htly He looked like he was going to throw up
"Are you drunk?"
He shrugged like he couldn't care less, but his shoulders were tense and rigid Snidely he said, "Aren't you supposed to be nice to ht?"
I openedhad happened, that all we'd done was cry ourselves to sleep But I didn't want to Conrad didn't deserve to know anything "You're the most selfish person I ever met," I said slowly and deliberately I let each word puncture the air I had never wanted to hurt soht I loved you"
His face turned white He opened and then closed his ain I'd never seen him at a loss for words before
I walked back to otten the last ith Conrad I had done it I had finally let hiht at soood Did I even have a right to say those things to hihts to hiot back into bed, I got under the covers and cried so I didn't have any
How could it be that I had spent this whole su tan, while Susannah was sick? How could that be? The thought of life without Susannah felt impossible It was inconceivable; I couldn't even picture it I couldn't iine what it would be like for Jere I didn't get out of bed I slept until eleven, and then I just stayed there I was afraid to go downstairs and face Susannah and have her see that I knew