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I shake my head no

She levels with me "Secrets beconores me and I know I shouldn’t have said that

"Bell, honey, not telling him isn’t any way to start a relationship You can’t keep a secret like that It’s not fair to him Everyone in our fao, but since he wouldn’t return your calls I let you make the decision not to"

I tremble at the painful rab et hurt"

Tears spill fro it up, it hurts et it"

"I’m sorry, honey, but you can’t and I can’t let you--not this ti and throw oes to my belly button, then to my scar, and the memory comes back as if it were yesterday

• • •

There were no breathing exercises, no La birth on Friends I had been diagnosed with preecla monitored closely Corticosteroid shots were part of nesium sulfate also beca wasn’t an easy shot; it was given in IV form and I hated it I arned that when delivery tiht need to be increased I didn’t understand what that h they felt sorry for ht months after the baby had been conceived, I understood why My already high blood pressure had risen to an unhealthy level, putting the baby’s life in danger The doctors had decided it was ti in another, I was in pain, burning up, and dry-heaving in a basin my mother held for me Her tears only made me cry all thelike what I thought they would be They were the worst kind of cra before I was even close to being fully dilated I had opted to reed the nurses to call an anesthesiologist The fear of a needle stuck in

However, before relief could even arrive, I was being wheeled down a sterile hall with the words e thrown atlevel and the doctors could no longer wait for the birth-inducing drug to kick in My mother wasn’t allowed in and I was terrified With fear and pain all I could fathom, a mask went over my face and as I counted backward, blackness came I awoke sometime later in the recovery roo I looked around for my mother, my brothers, but sleep called to me The next time I woke up I was in a different hospital roo in since the accident The one I had to stay in even after the trauma had passed while aited for the baby to co, "Do you want to see the baby?"

"I don’t know," I cried out

I had told the ed--I had selected the people I thought wouldmy baby taken fro I started to second-guess myself I becaht her to

"Did you hold it?"

She cried even harder, nodding again

Once I knew the baby was safe, my doubts were no more I couldn’t hold the baby, because if I did I just knew I’d never be able to give it up So on that day I signedit, never knowing if it was a boy or girl because it didn’t matter All I knew, all that mattered was that my child would be raised by two people ould forever love hi that child either

• • •

A fa hand runs up and downmy tears away

"Bell, you knofor you to be happy And if you think this man will make you happy, I will accept him with open arh a lot in my life and learned from my mistakes I never told your brother who his real father was and I could have lost hi about the baby is painful, but please think about what I’ve said I won’t bring it up again How you move forward is your decision"

With the memories so vivid and painful, I sit up and pull my mother to me EventuallyI’ve tried so hard to forget circles around me

CHAPTER 19

Pain

Ben

The beach is quiet as I sit outside on the deck and sip a cup of coffee After I left S’belle’s house I decided to coe quickly and then head into the office before going back to get her

I can’t help thinking about her while I scan the ocean view She’s just so fking sexy all I have to do is glance at her and I’ about her captures my attention--from her cute quirky personality to the sex kitten underneath it I’ is our day at the beach was so h not what I planned, was stillinto herdidn’t turn out to be so bad She’s been so determined not to tell her family that maybe this was the best way for the inside, I rinse my cup and walk into my bedroom My dirty clothes are in a pile on the floor and I stop while picking them up to look at the picture on my dresser--my mother, my sister, Trent, and me just before one a year I pull e to talk to my sister

"Hello," she answers sleepily

"Hi, it’s et up anyway"

"When did you get back?"

"Late last night"

"Hoas Hawaii?"

"Oh, Ben, it was beautiful, fun, and aain?"

She sighs happily and I can feel her sh the phone "The same but different"

She’s always so ht?"

"I can’t I have plans," I say

"Oh yeah, what kind of plans?" she asks curiously