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The Seder carries on as usual Mom, who, in every other part of her life, is respectful, assuer When Grandh the desert for forty years, Mom cracks it’s because Moses was a man who refused to ask directions When the talk to turns to Israel, Moets Grandue about the cholesterol content of h to keep quiet And Phil plays with his hearing aids and dozes in and out of consciousness I refill lass et to the brisket, whichabout Exodus for a while, which is a relief, even if the brisket isn’t It’s so dry it looks like beef jerky and tastes charred I move it around e club and the cruise she and Phil are taking Then she asks about our annual summer trip to Rehoboth Beach, which she usually comes up for a portion of

"What else do you have planned for the summer?" she asks me casually

It’s a throay question, really Along the lines of how are you? Or what’s new? I’m about to say, "Oh, this and that," when Mo in a lab Then she tells Grandma all about it A research lab at a pharmaceutical company Apparently, I accepted the position just today

It’s not like I didn’t know she would do this It’s not like she hasn’t done this my entire life It’s not like I haven’t let her

The fury that fillser thanin a lab this summer"

"Well, it’s too late," Moartner to decline his offer If you’d had a preference, you had three weeks to artner’s, either"

"Did you line up so else?" Dad asks

Mom scoffs, as if that’s unthinkable And et one Never had to do anything for myself I am helpless I am a void A disappointment My helplessness,into a little fiery ball, and I harness that ball, so rows hotter, so hot, the only thing I can do with it is hurl it At her

"I don’t think your lab would want iven that I’ve droppedto drop the rest of the from my voice "See, I’m not pre-med anymore So sorry to disappoint you"

My sarcass in the humid air--and then, like a vapor, it floats away as I realize that, for the first time in my life, I’, or lad of it I’ the unavoidable, because I feel like I’ve been disappointing her for such a long time

"You’ve dropped pre-med?" Her voice is quiet, that lethal mix of fury and woundedness that could always take me down like a bullet to the heart

"That was always your drea me She turns to me "You still haven’t answeredthis sury, and I feel ive in But then I hear a voice-- back to Paris"

It co plotted for months, when in fact, it just slipped out, the same way all those admissions to Willehter, er now fully dissipated, replaced by exhilaration flowing through ht and air

This is how I felt that day in Paris with Wille to do

"Also, I’ French," I add And for some reason, this announcementatra yet another Seder

So with all the coe that anyone can hear Phil, who has barely said a word since the soup, when he pipes up, "Back to Paris, Ally? I thought Helen said your trip to Paris got canceled because they were striking" He shakes his head "They always seeoes silent Phil picks up a piece ofon it Mom, Dad, and Grandma all stare at me

I could so easily cover this up Phil’s hearing aid was turned down He heard wrong I could say that I want to go to Paris because I never made it there on the last trip I’ve told so many lies What’s one more?

But I don’t want to lie I don’t want to cover up I don’t want to pretend anymore Because that day with Willem, I may have pretended to be someone named Lulu, but I had never beenwith liberation It coh the desert Or incurring the wrath of two very pissed-off parents

I take a breath I brave up

"Back to Paris," I say

Twenty-six

MAY

Home

I make a new list

Airfare to Paris: 1200

French class at coe: 400