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I look at her I can feel

"He was an actor, Allyson An actor They are the worst of the lot"

"You think the whole thing was an act? Was fake?" I shake h I’ to convince

"I daresay it was real in theher words "But men are different from women Their eht back off"

"It wasn’t an act," I repeat, butsteam

"Did you sleep with him?"

For a second, I can still feel hiht away, look at Ms Foley, nod

"Then he got what he caine he never planned on it beingThat was exactly what he proposed, after all"

It was Until it wasn’t Last night, we declared our feelings for each other I am about to tell Ms Foley this But then I stop cold: Did we declare anything? Or did I just lick some spit on myself?

I think about Willem Really think about him What do I actually know about him? Only a handful of facts--how old he is, how tall he is, what he weighs, his nationality, except I don’t even know that because he said his mother wasn’t Dutch He’s a traveler A drifter, really Accidents are the defining force in his life

I don’t know his birthday Or his favorite color, or favorite book, or favorite type ofup I don’t know if he ever broke a bone Or how he got the scar on his foot or why he hasn’t been ho I don’t even know his last name! And that’s still more than he has on me He doesn’t even know ly little café, without the ro rose-colored pretty, I begin to see things as they truly are: Willem invitedht, he’d even tried to send me home He knew Lulu wasn’t my real name, and he made absolutely no attempt to ever find out who I really was When I’dhiive out his contact details

And it wasn’t like he’d lied He said he’d fallen in love many times, but had never been in love He’d offered it up about hiirls on the train, Céline, the irl at the café And that was just in a single day together How many of us were out there? And rather than acceptin my heels I’d told him I was in love with hied for another day, assumed he wanted it too But he never answered me He never actually said yes

Oh, my God! It all makes sense no could I have been so na&iu from yesterday, it was all fake All an illusion As reality crystallizes into place, the shame and humiliation make me so sick, I feel dizzy I cradle my head in my hands

Ms Foley reaches out to pat my head "There, there, dear Let it out Predictable, yes, but still brutal He could have at least seen you off at the train station, waved you away and then never called again A bit more civilized" She squeezes my hand "This too shall pass" She pauses, leans in closer "What happened to your neck, dear?"

My hand flies up to e has co," I say "It was an" I’m about to say accident, but I stop myself "A tree"

"And where’s your lovely watch?" she asks

I look down atI yank down my sweater sleeve to cover it "He has it"

She clucks her tongue "They’ll do that, sos as a sort of trophy Like serial killers" She takes a final slurp of her tea "Now, shall we take you to Melanie?"

I hand Ms Foley the scrap of paper with Veronica’s address, and she pulls out a London A–Z book to chart our way I fall asleep on the Tube,out, the blankness of exhaustion the only comfort I have now Ms Foley shakes me awake at Veronica’s stop and leads me to the redbricked Victorian house where her flat is

Melanie coht’s trip to the theater Her face is lit up with anticipation, waiting to hear a really good story But then she sees Ms Foley, and her expression skids Without knowing anything, she knows everything: She bid Lulu farewell at the train station yesterday, and it’s Allyson being returned to her like dahtest of nods, as if none of this surprises her Then she kicks off her heels and opens her arms to me, and when I step into the side ht Behindfootsteps I let her leave without saying a word I don’t thank her And I already know that I never will, and that is wrong considering the great kindness she’s done me But if I aain

PART TWO

One Year

Fourteen

SEPTEMBER

College

Allyson Allyson Are you there?"

I pull the pillow oversleep

The key turns in the lock as my roommate Kali pushes open the door "I wish you wouldn’t lock the door when you are here And I know you’re not asleep You’re just playing dead Like Buster"

Buster is Kali’s dog A Lhasa apso She has pictures of hi the dozens tacked up on the wall She told me all about Buster last July e had our initial howdy-rooht Buster sounded cute, and I found it quirky that Kali was named for her ho her words somehow--seemed sweet