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They went towards the back door where Sister Thomas shed her boots, and then on into the house "You won’t o all the way round, and look, we’ve mended thatthere at last and this corridor has been painted freshly, you can probably still sions down the newly painted corridor and then they were in the more fored in the sain as her most vivid memory of the place--that and the abbey sounds, of bells and of footsteps pattering along corridors in sequence as the nuns went swiftly and silently to chapel

The s school as well as convent--floor polish with undernotes of cooking

The door of the sewing room was open and an electric ers on a keyboard Jane’s rubber-soled driving shoes squeaked on the tiles as they rounded the corner, past the chapel, past the double doors to the refectory, round a second corner beside a tall clearflooding sunlight through onto a silver vase of lemon-coloured chrysantheun to doubt if the religious life was for her, Sister Catherine had listened, made an occasional remark, but never pressured her to decide either way or to rush her decision

"You are welco as you need to," she had said "Give it ti to ask you to leave until you are ready to go Or to stay"

Jane had felt better at once The abbey was a different place froht that she wanted Life was routine and, in many senses, dull routine She had loved the silence and the stillness, the measured, calm way in which the women went about their daily business But she had es of the outside world Not the buzz, not the rush, but the novelty of every day Here, novelty was almost entirely absent That was part of the point and she was surprised how much she missed it

The prayer life was not a probleh she found it easier to say her own office than to take part in the co alone in the chapel of her roohed at herself Her room had been one of the major problems--and how ridiculous that sounded But it was true

Her roo and functional one in a B & B than a monastic cell It was sparsely furnished but not uncoarden It was dull and it had never felt hers and never had any atle bed with a pale blue cover, a light ardrobe, 1930s style, a small desk with a dark wood chair--and so table without a e lepoise la apart A crucifix on the desk A reproduction of a Renaissance painting of The Banishment from Eden on the wall A miasma of depression had fallen on her when she had first entered the rooain every time she returned to it A hermit’s cell carved out of a rock or one ashed stone walls in a h wall round it, a straw mattress on the floor Had these been what she had craved? She had faced her own false and laughable expectations almost with embarrassment

On the day before her departure, she had shared a sianised by the abbess, who believed firmly in one-to-one encounters and conversations over food and drink as the way to sort out many problems and difficulties within her community It had been pleasant and the talk had roved over a wide variety of topics--world affairs and politics, the plight of the Third World, the place of the monastic life in modern society, education, the role of women in the Church The abbess was not a priest None of the nuns was ordained, and Jane had been touched by the respect for her status shown by the older and ht by the sister in attendance, they had moved to the pair of ar the park and Jane had said, "I don’t belong here I didn’t belong at ho in Lafferton I’ anywhere, Sister"

"‘Our hearts are restless till they find their rest in Thee’ ThatYou’ve not found what you are looking for here but the reasons have nothing to do with lack of faith or loss of it indeed"

"No Being here has confir else"

"I’lad But inner tranquillity and assurance are so valuable that if you have faith, as you do, finding your real place in life isn’t going to be difficult"

"No?"

"No It o in several different directions--but those will all add to your experience If I know anything, I know nothing is wasted Not ultimately"

"Yes But what direction now?"

"When you cao back to some sort of academic work I know you spent a lot of time in the library here Has that been helpful?"

"Oh, yes I loved it"

As well as reading and studying and thinking on her own there, she had been put to work in the library, and her ti her stay Her other work had been in the laundry, which she had also rather enjoyed, and the sewing rooe years in needlework lessons

Now, the sot up from the desk and came towards her, both hands outstretched to take Jane’s

"Jane, what a pleasure! How very good to see you"

"It’s good to be back"

She ood to know that this place was always here She knew that she would always be able to come back if she needed a place of prayer and quietness, even though she also knew, as she had walked in through the door again, that she would never want to stay

"Do you feel like a walk, Jane? I could do with stretching e of scene"

They made their way towards one of the iron benches The deer were further off now, grazing in their herd towards the sloping banks of the river, a section of which wound through the park The gnats jazzed in the air

"Unseasonable," Sister Catherine said, "but welcolanced at her She was a handsome woman, probably in her fifties, and she had spoken with the faintest touch of--melancholy? Wistfulness? How difficult would it be if you doubted your vocation or even your faith, or were simply weary of convent life, and yet were head of your co, stay quiet, not admit any of it even to yourself, to live out your life in a not-unhappy routine, would be considerable

Doubt was not a subject Jane could raise with the abbess

"So Jane--you look very well and you have a more settled air From our point of view I’m sorry to say it because we so wanted you to coht decision In fact, I never doubted it, you know"

"You mean you didn’t think I’d be a success here?"

"Oh, what is "success"? No, I siht for you"

They sat in silence for soh the autumn trees and the deer wandered towards theht froe, a journey of a little over an hour and she had no appointments for the rest of the day, just her oork She had a job as an assistant chaplain at a hospital in Cae, another as a locu in for so on a PhD in hter when she had been told "That’ll suit you far better, Jane," she had said "You’ll enjoy the privations of twelfth-century northern England, when reed

The abbess got up "I o and see the others, everyone will be so pleased, and Sister Thomas will have the coffee pot on"

But on the way into the house, theyout of her office, spectacles swinging from the cord round her neck

"My dear Jane, what an extraordinary thing Tenfor your whereabouts and I was just wondering if we had a current address when I looked up and there you were I couldn’t believe my eyes!"

"Who on earth would telephonefrom the office, my dear"

Thirty-one

"What the hell …?" Serrailler looked out of his officeto see a crowd of television vans in the station car park The area was taken over by trailing cables, people with ca into theineers and equipment

"Get the press officer up here"

"Sir"

As the door closed the phone rang