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She earing the gown she wore for her death ceremony My father’s people were buried naked beneath the trees, but for the preceding ritual, ere being consigned to the Land of the Silver Falls, our dead were dressed in ritual garb--gowns of silver, the color of the olden trousers and shirts, the color of the sun

I cocked e, so as my mother here? And ould she be here at all?

But as I watched her, the questions vanished frohts and all I could see was how beautiful my mother had been Waxen and fair, her hair trailed down her shoulders, the saolden shade as Delilah’s But her eyes were closed, and blood ran down her cheek frootten, I ran toward her "Mother? Mother!"

She opened her eyes They hite, with no glea one hand, she pointed an accusatory finger at me "You took my place You stole my memory, and you replaced me"

Stopped cold by the chill of her words, I hesitated I had taken her place, because I was forced to I’d filled her shoes as best as I could, even though I could never be the woer cropped up that I didn’t knoas there

"You left us You wouldn’t drink the Nectar of Life You abandoned us You could have lived if you had let Father give you the potion You could have stayed with us, but you chose to die" The words startled hts--I knew I’d felt theuilt had driven them deep inside, and I had never once breathed them aloud

She dropped her hand and crossed her arms "I chose to stand by my beliefs I loved your father, but I was human I chose to remain human"

"You chose to be a coward!" The words reverberated through the night, and I clasped my hand to my mouth, immediately ashamed of what I’d said How could I callshe ever knew to follow Sephreh back to Otherworld She’d chosen a life alien to her own and had raised us with love How could I accuse her of being so weak?

"I chose…I chose…" And then, she paused, and the anger vanished even as she let out a long sigh and slu a thousand years than I was of dying I understood what itand stay sane I wasn’t born to it, like you and your sisters, and your father"

"But we needed you" As if the dam had burst, I let it all out "We needed you I needed you I had to grow up too fast I had to take your place because so I had to becoirl And Father, he’s never recovered from your death He loved you He worshiped you I could never do anything right--he never let et that you were perfect and I…I wasn’t"

Tears strea if I hurt her, not caring if she hated me "I needed you so many times, but you weren’t there At least I did what I could for my sisters, but there was no one there for me when I needed a mother…when I needed someone to hold me and tell me it would all be okay! Father was too busy with the Guard and too busyyou to notice that his children needed hi her head, and all the fight vanished "I can’t e as No one can I’m sorry I o But I’m so sorry that I hurt you I watch over you and your sisters; I keep an eye out on you I can’t intervene, but I never forget you I’, I sank to the ground "I needed you…I need ht she almost blinded me As she knelt by my side, her arms slid around irl You had to take on too o You have so rown You don’t have to play the role of their mother anymore You can live for yourself and your lovers Lean on them, and lean on your friends And when you need "

I pressed ainst the soft touch of the spirit, like I did Misty, at home, and cried like I had never cried before I cried for the years of trying toto face Menolly’s death and rebirth without Mother’s help I cried for the isolation I’d felt when Hyto kidnappedwhile, ed in my throat all these years had shifted and loosened With a hiccup, it vanished, and I sat back, hanging s--"

"No," my mother said "You needed to face the fact that as ry You squashed those feelings down so hard, they were eating you alive They were draining you"

Sniffling, I nodded She rose, and I stood beside her

"I miss you"

"I miss you, too, honey"

"I love you"

And my mother looked at me, and for a flicker, I saw the lovely hazel eyes that used to watch over me, and they twinkled with tears "I love you, too I have to go, now Please…I’ wait, I think, and I hope Which is as it should be"

And then, before I could say another word, she turned, walked back into a misty veil, and vanished

Spent, I turned back to stare at the figure in the shadows "Why her? Why e was to stand back and let you fight your own battle My challenge was to watch you work through one of the deepest losses you’ve ever experienced without stepping in to help And so…three"

And then hehis face Morio Myof the Woodland, and I was his goddess

Once again, the ather me up in her frenzy I openedout of his kimono As he held me, naked and erect, the Moon Mother shih the woodland, and then I was off and running and he followed me, into the dance, onto the web, into the arms of the Moon Mother and the Horned One

Chapter 9