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I WAKE UP on a pile of se and leaves in the old Hollywood Forever ceh these last details don’t coht now all I know is that I’m back in the world and I’m on fire My h to roll off the burning trash and to keep rolling until I can’t feel the heat anyle tooff s There’s no real pain and all I feel are a couple of blisters behind ht knee and calf My jeans are a little crispy, but the heavy leather of my jacket protected ed and in shock I probably hadn’t been on the fire too long But I’ht have crawled back into this world and ended up a charcoal briquette in my first five minutes home And wouldn’t those black-hearted bastards down under have laughed when I ended up right back in Hell after slipping so sweetly out the back door? Fuck ’em for now I’m home and I’m alive, if a little torn up by the trip No one said birth was easy, and rebirth would have to be twice as hard as that first journey into the light

The light

My body isn’t burning any has it been since I’ve seen sunlight? Down in the asshole of creation, it was a diht I can’t even tell you the colors of the ceoes into an agonizing whiteout every ti like a mole, I run to the shade of a columbarium and crouch there with my forehead on the cool ood five or ten et used to the bloody-red light that seeps through my lids Little by little, over the next twenty or soLA sun I ers and hope that no one sees ainst the wall They’d probably think I was crazy and call a cop, and there wouldn’t be a da I could do about it

The s ache before I can open ainst the cool building to take soh I can sort of see now, there’s no way I’ht for a while Instead, I stay in the shade and take stock of things

My clothes are burned, but wearable, if you ignore the burning garbage sirlfriend lifted froe shop for me, worn black jeans with holes in the knees, a pair of ancient engineer boots, and a battered leather ether with black gaffer’s tape The heel ofJesus out of so soccerhate goody-goody hero types, but there is some shit I will not put up with if it happens in front of me Of course, that was back then, before my trip down under I wasn’t sure what I’d do if I saw the same scene today I’d probably still put a boot into the car thief, but I don’t know if I’d let hi more important on mywhen I got demon-snatched When I’d hit the pave laughs, stu before I puked els After that, the laughs were mostly about my physical abuse and hu or another Trust h roo tihuseful There’s notin my pockets but twenty-three cents and an empty pink matchbook with the name and address of a Hollywood bail bondsman printed on it I don’t even have the keys to my apartment or the old Iht ankle and a genuine wave of happiness hitswith strips of basilisk leather I put my hand over old Veritas coin that hangs there The fact I’m on Earth at all means that I still have the key to the Rooh I can’t touch it or see it So, I s back with me from Hell That’s no small feat Of course, none of it alters the fact that I have no money, no ID, no wheels, my clothes are half burned off, I don’t have a place to stay and no real idea where I am, except for the fact that this tombstone trailer park looks and feels like LA I’ood start I’ll be the first hitman in history who has to panhandle for bullets

I ates of the ce from the top of a contemplation fountain I take a drink and splash water onto ht then it hits laned to crush my spirit I’m really home

So, where the hell is everybody? Outside, I catch sight of the one thing I’ve been hoping to see North fro white letters of the Hollywood sign Perched high on the dirty brown scrub hills, it’s never looked so beautiful In the other direction, toward Melrose, a car hisses by every now and then, but there are way too few And there are no people on the street at all There are soreen lawns are decorated with lights, plastic reindeer, and an inflatable snowman Wreaths on a few doors across the street Holy shit, it’s Christ in the universe and I stand there laughing like an idiot

Someone slams into me hard from behind The hilarity ends abruptly I spin around and I’ executive type Brad Pitt’s stunt double handsoether cost ot to shape up Don, no one would have been able to creep up on me like that

Brad Pitt takes a couple of stiff steps back "What the fuck?" he yells, like it’s my fault he walked intolike a racehorse and his movements are quick and jerky, like a broken windup toy He looks at

"Calm down, Donald Trump," I say "You ran into me" He wipes his upper lip with the back of his hand There’s so tucked in his pale for it, but takes a step back instead Lying on the sidewalk between us is a plastic bag with about a hundred little ice-white cocaine rocks inside I smile Welco up for a party I’ll definitely be skipping

I look back at the guy, and before I can say anything, he reaches into his jacket I latch onto his arun co hi him hard onto the pavement I didn’t even think about it My body just went on autopilot Guess soht

Brad Pitt isn’t un and it’s still ja away and touch the side of his neck Even out cold, his pulse is fast Who says crack isn’t good for you? He’s wearing a small Christmas tree pin on his lapel Thissomewhere without friends and how I could use a Secret Santa of ure that my new friend is about as close to a Good Samaritan as I’m likely to find outside a cemetery off Melrose I quick check to see that the street is still clear, pocket the stun gun, and then drag hies

Turns out, the guy is Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny all rolled into one His eel skin wallet is fat with hundreds, at least a few grand worth Even though the twitchy son of a bitch was so ripped on coke and para-noia that he tried to electrocuteon the street, I feel a sh his pockets I’ve done a lot of questionable things in ed anybody Not that this was technically aear would just fall under the heading of "Spoils of War" Besides, I need this stuff I’ No friends that I know of and no real plan

I help lasses, an unopened pack of Black Black guht across the shoulders but not too bad a fit at all I leave him my half-burned leather jacket, his credit cards, car keys, and the big bag of Christmas crack FU just add this incident to the list of sins I’ll have to atone for later Tento the bill

I crack open the pack of caffeinated guet the taste of burning garbage out ofon sos, wobbly and disconnected I trip over a couple of curbs and almost jump out of my skin when I step on a squeak toy some kid left in the street Chuck Norris, I’ like part ofwith any purpose or direction I want to go home, but what if Azazel has sent up so as rottweilers? I’m not ready to face that just yet I pull the chain out from under my shirt and unclip the Veritas coin