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Lila frowns at me and looks around the train, but even after oes low, to practically a whisper, like she can h overcoet their little brother to do it for them He turns people into objects Then they dump the objects"

"What?" I heard her; I just can’t believe I heard her right

"They’ve been using you as a hue disposal" She h it "Portrait of a teenage assassin"

I stand up, even though we’re on a train and there’s nowhere for o

"Cassel?" She reaches out for rateful I don’t think I can listen to much oing to throw up

I push h the heavy doors and onto the platfors back and forth beneath ht above the hooks and chains that connect the train into its snaking shape Cold air blows back ine hitsmetal, until I start to calot rounded up and shot I think I understand that kind of fear now

We are, largely, e remember ourselves to be That’s why habits are so hard to break If we know ourselves to be liars, we expect not to tell the truth If we think of ourselves as honest, we try harder

For three whole days I wasn’t a killer Lila had come back fro But now the pile of corpses teeters above uilt

All my life I wanted my brothers to trust me To let me in on their secrets I wanted them, Philip especially, to think of me as a worthy accomplice

Even after they kicked the crap out of me, e

After all, I’m already aI grip thearound it like it’s Philip’s throat I don’t want to be aelse

The door swings open and the conductor steps onto the platfor back

"Okay," I say, and he opens the door to the next car, ready to collect more tickets He doesn’t really care I could probably stay where I aain

I suck in another couple breaths of fetid air and then go back to Lila

"Very dra off and all" Her eyes look bruised around the edges She’d found a pen so, below the knee

I feel awful, but I don’t apologize

"Yeah," I say, "I’"

Thatin your coirls and not about what you did to rit my teeth "You slept in hs, but it sounds more like a sob

I look out theWe’re in woods now "I shouldn’t have said that You were sleeping in a cage I’ood person, Lila" I hesitate "But I did--I do care what I’ve done to you I thought about you every single day And I aly, pathetically sorry"

"I don’t want your pity," she says, but her voice sounds gentler

"Too bad," I say

She gives rin and kicks me with my own boot

"I’d like it if you’d tell ot away I’ to freak out anymore I’ll listen to whatever you want to tellSwirls that spiral out fro ry But then you get this weird smile on your face I’ to do it You lean down and whisper in my ear ‘Run’ That’s what you say"

"Run?" I ask

"I know Crazy, right? You’re still on top of ? But then I start to change" The pen presses against her skin, hard now It’s scratching her leg "It felt like rew hunched, small My vision blurred, and then I could craay fros, but I ran anyway

"I heard you screa

"They caught me under some bushes I h"

She stops drawing lines and starts punching the point of the pen against her leg

"Hey," I say, putting loved hand on top of hers

She blinks quickly, like she forgot where she was "Barron put e and he put a shock collar around s He said that it was better than if I was dead I was out of the way, but he could still use uys; it’s easy for a cat to slip into a house and to touch someone I even made you sleepwalk out of the dor

"You looked atAn ani to save ain"

I don’t knohat to say I feel a deep, aching sorrow that hurts more than I kno to express I don’t have the words I want to touch her, but I don’t deserve it

She shakes her head "I know Barron worked you I’m here now because of you I shouldn’t say that"

"It’s okay" I take a deep breath "I have a lot to be sorry for"

"I should have guessed that they’d changed yourto et everything else that he doesn’t notice that he’s strip-s because he’s forgotten where they are

"It’s just that you go so crazy being alone like that Soet my water or food and I’d cry and cry and cry" She stops talking and looks out the"I would try to tell myself stories to pass the tiot used up

"In the beginning I tried to escape, but I guess after a while I just used up all my hope like I used up the stories" Lila lowers her voice and leans into me, so close that the hairs on the back ofto hurtdidn’t lad you didn’t," I say I think ofon slate

She s me as closely as he had before I wore down the nylon part of the collar enough It was still hard to get it the rest of the way off, but I did it"