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Pushing in the pebbles is the agonizing part It feels like I’ off my own skin as I slide in the three pebbles, one for every year I thought I was a murderer Each one hurts so much that I have to choke down nausea as I thread the needle, bend it, and giveto go ho as far away as we can Maybe we’ll go to China and find soirl, maybe I’ll take her to her father and try to explain But we’re going tonight

I’ out who the memory worker is than I was before the visit to Crooked Annie, but I’ it’s Anton, since obviously he and Philip and Barron are conspiring together I thought Anton worked luck, but he ht have messed up my head to think that If he is the memory worker, he sure messed up Barron’s

And Philip just let it happen

As I watch the hydrogen peroxide froth, I tell ht-headed now, okay for oing to be able to et out of the car in the driveway of the house, I notice the doors of the barn are open I walk over and look inside No traps No cats No eyes shining froto understand what happened Then I run to the house and yank open the door

"Where are the cats?" I yell

"Your brother called the ani up from a pile of moth-eaten linens "They came this afternoon"

"What about the white cat? My cat?"

"You know you couldn’t keep her," he says "Let her go to people that can take care of her"

"How could you do that? How could you let them take her?"

He reaches out his hand, but I step back

"Which brother? Who called the shelter?" My voice is shaking with rage

"You can’t blaht by this place They werea mess of the barn"

"Who was it?" I ask

"Philip," he says with a defeated shrug of his shoulders He’s still talking, explaining so, but I’ about Barron and Maura andto make Philip pay for it All of it With interest

CHAPTER NINE

I HATE WALKING INTO shelters I hate the sled up together I hate the desperate whining sound of aniuilt at not being able to do anything for the a little crazy when I walk into the first shelter, and it takes me until the third to find her The white cat

She looks ather face against the bars, like some of the other animals She looks like a snake, ready to strike

But she doesn’t look like anything that was ever human

"What are you?" I say "Lila?"

That makes her stand up and come to the front of the bars She h irl can’t be a cat

Unbidden the memory of the last time I saw Lila rises I can s at my mouth when I look down at her body Even if that memory’s false, it feels real This--the idea that she’s alive, that I can still save her--feels like playing pretend Like lying to reen and blue eyes are very like Lila’s, though And she’s looking up at h it feels iain and again, but Iarea I go up to the desk, where a heavyset wouy where to hang flyers pro ball python

"I’d like to adopt the white cat," I tell her

She slides me a form It asksI’ve lived atI put down the answers that I think they want to hear and I leave the vet part blank My hands are shaking and I feel the way I did after my father’s car accident, when time seemed to move differently for me than for other people It’s too fast and too slow, and all I can think is that if I walk out of here with the cat, then I’ll be able to sit and wait for tiain

"This is your birthday?" she asksthe paper

I nod

"You’re only seventeen" She points to where it says in bold print at the top of the page: Must be 18 to adopt I just stare at the words Nors like that I prepare Map out the variables But instead I’ air like a fish

"You don’t understand," I say, and I watch a frown pinch her brows "That didn’t coht That’s my cat--I ht her here, but she’s really s"

I laugh uneasily, caught "She’s always catching it on so in a barn It ca it, they weren’t feeding itin a barn," I say "But now she lives with me"

The wouess You didn’t get per that cat home and your parents sent it to a shelter Irresponsible--"

"That’s not what happened" I wonder what she’d do if I told her what I thought had happened I alles as a couple with a kid walk in the door The schnauzer-shirted woet a puppy!" shouts the little girl All around her loves are smeared with brown stains

"Wait," I say desperately "Please"

The wo look "Coive you permission Like this kid"

I take a deep breath "Are you working here tomorrow?" I ask her

She puts a hand on her hip, annoyed now, probably ry because she briefly felt sorry for onna tell you the sa any fro