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How fucking long before I do so her face, grabbing her ar her whole body until she’s inher onto my lap The empty pill bottle falls out of her hand and lands on the floor but I refuse to look at it Her eyes are still lifeless and she’s no longer looking at me as the head between my hands falls backward every time I try to lift it up

She doesn’t flinch when I scream her name, and she doesn’t wince when I slap her, and she doesn’t react when I start to cry

She doesn’t do a godda

She doesn’t even tell le ounce of whatever was left inside my chest is propelled out of me the moment I realize that the very best part of me is dead

Chapter Two

"Will you look for her pink top and the black pleated pants?" my mother asks She keeps her eyes trained on the paperwork laid out in front of her The man from the funeral home reaches across the table and points to a spot on the fores, Beth," he says My ns the forether until they leave, but I know as soon as they walk out the front door she’ll break down again It’s only been forty-eight hours, but I can tell just by looking at her that she’s about to experience it all over again

You would think a person could only die once You would think you would only find your sister’s lifeless body once You would think you would only have to watch your hter is dead

Once is so far from accurate

It happens repeatedly

Every single time I close my eyes I see Les’s eyes Every ti hter is dead for the second time For the third time For the thousandth time Every time I take a breath or blink or speak, I experience her death all over again I don’t sit here and wonder if the fact that she’s dead will ever sink in I sit here and wonder when I’ll stop having to watch her die

"Holder, they need an outfit for her,"I haven’tsleeves It’s her favorite one, she’d want to wear it"

She knows I don’t want to go into Les’s bedroom any more than she does I push my chair away from the table and head upstairs "Les is dead," I "

I pause outside her door, knowing I’ll have to watch her die all over again the moment I open it I haven’t been in here since I found her and I really had no intention of ever co back in here

I walk inside and shut the door behind me, then make my way to her closet I do my best not to think about it

Pink shirt

Don’t think about her

Long sleeves

Don’t think about how you would do anything to go back to Saturday night

Pleated black pants

Don’t think about howher down

But I do I think about it and I becorab a fistful of shirts hanging in the closet and rip theers until they fall to the closet floor I grip the fra to the sound of the now e back and forth I try to focus on the fact that I’s and leave, but I can’tthe moment that I walked into this bedroom and found her

I fall to my knees on the floor, look over at her bed, and watch her die one ainst the closet door and closeit takes me to realize that I don’t want to be in here I turn around and ruh the shirts that are now on the closet floor until I find the long-sleeved pink one I look up at the pants hanging frorab a pair of black pleated ones I toss thein to push up from the floor, but immediately sit back dohen I see a thick, leather-bound notebook on the bottorab it and pull it onto ainst the wall and stare at the cover I’ve seen this notebook before It was a gift to her froo, but Les told me she’d never use it because she knew the notebook was just a request made by her therapist Les hated therapy, and I was never sure why Moo We both went for a while after Mo the sessions once they started interfering with junior high football practice Moo, but Les continued with the weekly sessions up until two days agowhen her actions

I flip the notebook open to the first page and it doesn’t surprise me that it’s blank I wonder, if she had used the notebook like the therapist suggested, would it have made a difference?

I doubt it I don’t knohat could have saved Les from herself Certainly not a pen and paper