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"Alright, bye sweetheart," my mom walked over and kissed me on the forehead

"Goodbye, Ivy," Nix’s eyes swept over me appreciatively one more time and then he winked at me

I waved from the couch and then held my breath until they door clicked shut behind theone I leapt from the couch and rushed to the bathroo up every single thing I ate today, which wasn’t all thatas I emptied my stomach

When I was finished I sunk to the floor, leaning ht as well have been an eternity If I had to put up with too much more of this I would never make it I would crumble… shatter… I would explode into the million broken pieces I already felt like coh to believe that freedom would fix me

But it would let me breathe

And that’s all I needed I just needed to breathe

Chapter Five

They were gone for ten one I had to know they weren’t co back and I was free to do as I pleased

So when I was sure, I tore from the bathroo, but Wednesdays were a bit of a ritual night for et ain I was in what I called my "Mom-approved-skanky-casual" This included nice, expensive clothes that were at the sae appropriate I was a sixteen year old girl that rarely got to act sixteen except on Wednesday nights when I was in Omaha And this was my first Wednesday back in over six months

I ripped of my cami and shorts and shot to the very depths of my closet, the depths on the opposite side of my tattoo cover up, because both secrets were very closely tied toaway the other, just in case of worst-case-scenario-secret-exposing-Areddon

Which was obviously the worst kind of Arht

People get ready

I pulled fro, , rinned like an idiot I peeled, tugged, yanked and scooched htest black, faded skinny jeans on and paired thely worn out Chucks

They orn out because in my entire short-lived life I had only ever had one opportunity to sneak a pair of black and white Chuck Taylors intoever happened to theain

I pulled on a faded to gray Johnny Cash t-shirt and inhaled thetucked into a hole in lorious ensemble, I zipped up ht A hoodie A freaking hoodie!

It had been sixas comfortable as a hoodie

I always carried one around with me in my backpack, but I never wore it It was like a security blanket forlike the Promised Land

I pulled a hair-tie off my vanity and wrapped my hair into a knot on the top of eous and painted on soht red lipstick I stepped back so I could approve of th mirror

Then I really did squeal

If I had complete freedom, as in the ability to choose s to answer to anyone other than myself, this would not be the wardrobe I would choose I wasn’t some closet ed in a Goth sub-culture, but I also wasn’t the glamorous uber skank I usually dressed up as either I was somewhere in between

And in hts I had that centered around two years fro the opportunity to discover and explore what my real tastes and opinions were I could not wait to try soreat only to hate it the ot ho to return it, go to the store anyway and purchase so Rinse and repeat

As it stood now I didn’t get to choose ot a say in what I wore on a day to day basis And then I very secretly rebelled by going in the exact opposite way I lived my everyday life just because it was rebellion I had no attachment to these clothes other than iving lance I didn’t care for the way the pants clung toto ood years, hell they ay beyond retirement andust and even possibly not even recognize me in And even better they ht… they made me feel alive

And I desperately needed to feel alive

Because if I didn’t feel alive, then I would feel… dead

And dead was unacceptable, because dead wouldup hope

I shook rabbed ular, real school ID, not the fake ID from Nix, and a wad of cash and stuffed it all into my pocket Yep, not even a purse And then I took off for the long journey across don Oht ritual

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The sleek, trendy concert hall was packed with bodies, both underage and of-age Partly because Wednesday nights were huge at the Sloith the under twenty-one crowd and also because the e was curtained off and the band was positioned at the back of the rooe