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He watches me for a moment and nods "Let me look you over" He takes my hands and looks at my nails A few of them are ripped all the way into the nail bed Peter turns my hands over and looks at my scraped palms When he looks back up at me, his eyes are filled with remorse "I shouldn’t have left you alone"
"You didn’t know"
"I could have…" his voice drifts off Peter shakes his head and turns away I sit down on the couch Exhaustion is creeping up on oes to the bathroom and co too hard Peter doesn’t look at my face He takes my hands and turns them so the palms are up His touch makes me feel so much better
My vision is blurry, but I finally look at his face The cut on his cheek is deep It looks like a piece of hed up, too There are too s to say I want to explain why I said no before Even if I never saw Dean again, I’d be dealing with this for the rest ofto say I understand It’s fine" He pours peroxide over my cuts and I flinch His voice is cold, like he doesn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t I nod I’m a coward After a moment, he asks, "Why did they want to take you ho except that Mo to o ho he could have asked "No, I don’t"
"Even if it was just your brother?"
I stiffen "My brother thinks I like rough sex and that I was asking for it He doesn’t think that Dean hurt me He doesn’t believe that his friend used me" My jaw locks I’ what Dean said I can’t handle it "Is that what you think? You think that I liked it, that I wanted it?" My arrip I stand up and walk down the hall, not knohere I’ I want to screa "I know that isn’t true, Sidney I knoish I could change it I wish I could take away some of your pain Sometimes, family helps, that’s all I wanted toaway your hand to spite your ar with rage "You think I don’t kno I feel about this? You think that I haven’t laid there every night since it happened wondering if I did this to ht it was For a long tiht I did it, that I led hi and every time orse than the last I let hiain My parents loved him They didn’t defend me My brother didn’t even believeabout it because you don’t You have no fucking clue!"
I’ into balls at s to be like this, butPeter’s eyes fall to the floor He can’t even look atMy ht I have to control this I have to holdI feel the weight ofme apart My bottom lip quivers I bite it, but it doesn’t stop A sob bubbles up my throat I turn away from Peter I can’t stand this I can’t stand that he sees this version of me That’s why I said no That’s why I turned him away No matter what I do, this part of me will always be there I bury my face in my hands and push the tears away
Peter walks up behind ently He turns me toward hih I don’t have a clue I don’t understand I can’t even pretend to…"
I stare at his chest, at his bloody shirt My hand reaches for hi It laces around his waist and I lean into his chest Peter’s arms fold aroundI’ve lost withoutthat he can’t Peter lets me weep a river of tears and holds me close
Eventually, I notice his heartbeat I listen to it thu in his chest It stills ether too ht?" I’ and that he doesn’t want me here anymore
When he speaks, his voice is soft "Of course" His hand strokes the back of ives me towels and turns on the shower He lays an oversized tee shirt on the bathroom counter "I don’t really have any woht"
I nod and he leaves me alone
CHAPTER 25
The scent of Peter fills my head as I lay in his bed The room is warentle, slow, breathing makes ht They’re fighting for ain, which is why I don’t sleep I don’t want to close my eyes I don’t want to remember
I’m on my back Peter’s arm is draped across my stomach I’m so tired I watch him breathe, watch his chest rise and fall Peter came to bed with a pair of pajama pants and no shirt My eyes trace his muscles lazily I wonder what it must be like for him, to be down here alone, and then run into a train wreck like ave me his love and I threw it back in his face He stirs and turns on his side His hand drops to the bed between us It makes his hips turn toward ed white scar at his waist It’s nearly on his back, but not quite Seeing ithappened to hiical scar It can’t be The line lookselse
As I’aze meets mine Peter blinks slowly "Are you still up?"
"Yeah" Now that he’s awake, I’h there isn’t any room for him in it But…
Peter holds open his arms and says, "Come here" I do as he says I scoot over to him and lay on his chest Peter holds ontoI close my eyes and he strokes the back oftoo He se to reply My mind tries to drift Peter’s scent fills my head My heart knows it’s where it needs to be, but my mind is at ith itself It has a ether, awith theNo tingles, no anything