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They all knew it, but perhaps Johnny h the three of them didn't talk about the future, they felt its shadowy presence constantly, and soether sweeter andon a story, Johnny, Tully, and Kate met at Goldies to play pool and drink beer By the end of their second year together, they knew all there was to know about each other; at least, all that each illing to share

Except the stuff that truly ht it ironic that three people who searched through the rubble of life to find pebbles of truth could be so stubbornly blind about their own lives

Tully had no idea that Johnny wanted her, and he was completely unaware that Kate wanted hile went on, day after day, night after night Tully always asked Kate why she didn't date She longed to come clean, tell Tully the truth, but every time she started to confess, she backed out How could she tell the truth about Johnny, after the crap she'd given Tully about Chad? Your boss, after all, orse than your professor

And besides, what did Tully know about unrequited love? Her friend would just start pushing Kate to ask Johnny out What would Kate say then? I can't He's in love with you Deeper down, in a dark place she rarely acknowledged, there was another fear, one she only recognized in her dreaht of day, she didn't believe it, but at night, alone, she worried that if Tully found out about Kate's love, it ht actuallyabout her best friend; it wasn't that she wanted what she couldn't have It was that she wanted everything, and sooner or later, Tully got what she wanted Kate couldn't risk it Not having Johnny she could live with Losing him to Tully would be unbearable

So Kate kept her head down, her hands busy, and her dreams of love hidden away She smiled easily when Mom or Dad or Tully teased her about her social life, joked that her standards were higher than soood for a laugh

She tried not to be alone with Johnny too h she no longer fuue-tied around hiiven too ht sense that which she worked so hard to hide

Her plan went pretty well, all things considered, until a cold November day in 1984 when Johnny called her into his office

They were alone again, that day Tully and Mutt were tracking down a Sasquatch sighting in the Olyora sweater and schooled her face into an impersonal s at the dirty"What is it, Johnny?"

He looked terrible Haggard "Remember when I told you about El Salvador?"

"Sure"

"Well, I still have friends down there One of the His sister thinks they've taken him somewhere for torture, or that they've killed him She wants me to coerous--"

"Danger is my middle name" He smiled, but it was like a reflection on water, distorted and unreal

"This isn't so to joke about You could be killed Or disappear like that journalist in Chile during the coup He was never seen again"

"BelieveI've been there, remember? I knohat it's like to be blindfolded and shot at" He turned his head His eyes took on a vague, unfocused look, and she wondered what he was re "I can't turn my back on the people who protected ed you for help?"

"I would help her, as you well know Although I don't expect to see her in a war zone, unless you count the anniversary sale at Nordstroirl So you'll keep this place running while I'one?"

"Me?"

"Like I said once, you're a responsible girl"

She couldn't help herself; she , could be hurt down there, or worse "Wo She felt the , barely a movement to touch

"Wo alone, surrounded by word ghosts; things she could have said

When Johnny was gone, Kate learned how elastic time was, how it could stretch out until minutes felt like hours All it would take was a phone call, though, an official saying he was sorry, to , she tensed By the end of the first day, she had a pounding headache

She learned another lesson that first week, too Life went on The head honchos in Taconed to oversee the assigniven, but in truth, the way it worked out, Kate began to take over so responsibilities Mutt and Tully trusted her, and she kne to iven All that longing of hers had paid off; it seeh that she kne to do his job She was a seamstress to his couturier, of course, but still, she was competent By Thursday of the first week, the out-of-town producer had thrown up his hands, said he had better things to do than follow crazy people around all day, and returned to Tacoment It was soft and unimportant--an update on former children's TV star Brakeman Bill--but still it was hers, and it hit the air

What an adrenaline rush it had been to see her work on-screen, even if it was Tully's face and voice that everyone remembered She'd called her parents and they drove down to watch the broadcast with Kate and Tully Afterward, they'd toasted to "the drea true

"I always thought Katie and I would be on air together, an anchoring tea," Tully had said "She'll be the producer of my show someday instead And when Barbara Walters interviews me, I'll say I couldn't have done it without her"

Kate had toasted when it was expected of her, sh Tully's chatter She'd been proud of herself, truly she had, and she'd loved doing the piece and celebrating with her parents It had been especially poignant when Mom took her aside and said, "I'lad you didn't give up?"

But all the while, a part of her atching the clock, thinking holy ti

"You look terrible," Tully said the next day, dropping a stack of tapes on Kate's desk