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But Alex is emphatic, so I let him open the door and I pass inside in front of hiasp and stop so suddenly he bumps into me The room is incredible; it’s transformed

"Well?" There’s a note of anxiety in Alex’s voice "What do you think?"

I can’t answer him immediately Alex has shoved the old bed out of the way, into one of the corners, and swept the floor perfectly clean The s--or s reht- bloo in on the wind froed our blanket and books in the center of the roo the whole area with dozens and dozens of candles stuck in funny s or discarded Coca-Cola cans, just like they were at his house in the Wilds

But the best part is the ceiling: or rather, the lack of ceiling He h the rotted wood to the roof, and now an enorain stretched above our heads There are fewer stars visible in Portland than on the other side of the border, but it’s still beautiful Even better, the bats-- disturbed froone Far above us, outside, I see several dark shapes looping back and forth across theas they stay in the open air, they don’t bother me

All of a sudden it hits me: He did this for me Even after what happened today, he came and did this fortoo, bringing with it a twinge of pain I don’t deserve it I don’t deserve him I turn back to him and can’t even speak; his face is lit up with fla into fire He is theI have ever seen

"Alex--" I start to say, but can’t finish Suddenly I’htened of him, terrified of his absolute and utter perfection

He leans forward and kisses me And when he’s pressed so close tooff his skin, he feels less frightening

"It’s too dangerous to go back to the Wilds" His voice is hoarse, as though he’s been yelling for a very long tiht the Wilds here I thought you would like it"

"I do I--I love it" I pressI could somehow be even closer to him I hate skin; I hate bones and bodies I want to curl up inside of him and be carried there forever

"Lena" Different expressions are passing over his face so quickly I can barely catch the back and forth "I knoe don’t have much time, like you said We hardly have any time at all"

"No" I bury my face in his chest, wrap inable, incomprehensible: a life lived without hi breaks me--the fact that he did this for me, the fact that he believes I’m worth it--kills me

He is my world and my world is hio through with it I can’t I want to be with you I need to be with you"

Alex graspsnow, full of hope

"You don’t have to go through with it," he says His words co about this for a long ti not to say it

"Lena, you don’t have to do anything We could run away together To the Wilds Just go and never come back Only--Lena, we couldn’t ever coht? They’d kill us both, or lock us up foreverBut Lena, we could do it"

Kill us both Of course, he’s right A lifeti:

that’s what I’ve just said I wanted I take a quick step backward, feeling suddenly dizzy "Wait," I say "Just hold on a second"

He releases me The hope dies in his face all at once, and for aat each other

"You weren’t serious," he says finally "You didn’t mean it"

"No, I did mean it, it’s just--"

"It’s just that you’re scared," he says He walks to theand stares out at the night, refusing to look at ain: so solid and impenetrable, a wall

"I’ I don’t knohat I am I want Alex and I want my old life and I want peace and happiness and I know that I can’t live without him, all at the same time

"It’s okay" His voice is dull "You don’t have to explain"

"Mystartled I’ to say the words until I said them "I don’t want to be like her Don’t you understand? I sahat it did to her, I sa she wasIt killed her, Alex She left , this thing inside of her I won’t be like her" I’ve never really spoken about this, and I’m surprised by how difficult it is Now I have to turn away, feeling sick and ashaain