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"For standing ain I have the feeling that he’s sharing so to tell"You were a no-show at Back Cove that day"

I feel a burst of triu for me at Back Cove! He did want me to meet him! At the sa from me I’m not sure what it is, but I can sense it, and it makes me afraid

"So?" He folds his ar to apologize, or what?"

His easiness and self-assurance aggravate me, just like they did at the labs It’s so unfair, so different from how I feel, like I’m about to have a heart attack, or ize to liars," I say, surprised by how steady my voice sounds

He winces "What’s that supposed tohis lies off oninside the labs on Evaluation Day"

"Okay, okay" He holds up both hands "I’ize" He stares at hs "I told you, security isn’t allowed in the labs during evaluations To keep the process ‘pure’ or so, I don’t know But I really needed a cup of coffee, and there’s this ood kind, with real et in That’s it End of story And afterward I had to lie about it I could lose my job And I only work at the stupid labs to subsidize my school" He trails off For once he doesn’t look confident He looks worried, like he’s scared I ht actually tell on him

"So ere you on the observation deck?" I press on

"Why were you watching me?"

"I didn’t evenatmy reaction "I ca, roaring sound And so"

I closewhite lights,outside the labs, of hearing my mother screaain, Alex is still watchingon I thought--I don’t know, it’s stupid--but I thoughtAnd then as I’ there, all of a sudden there’s, like, a hundred cows charging s "There was a staircase to ured cows don’t cli, tentative "I ended up on the observation deck"

A perfectly norhtened of hi under , a disappointment And some stubbornness, a part of me that still doubts him I remember the way he looked on the observation deck, head tilted back, laughing; the way he winked at me The way he looked--amused, confident, happy Totally unafraid

A world without fear

"So you don’t know anything about howhow it happened?" I can’t believe I’ he doesn’t notice the sudden strangled sound of my voice

"The mix-up in the deliveries, you mean?" He says it smoothly, without a pause or a break in his voice, and the last of my doubts vanish Just like any cured, he doesn’t question the official story "I wasn’t in charge of signing for deliveries that day The guy as--Sal-- was fired You’re supposed to check the cargo I guess he skipped that step" He cocks his head to one side, spreads his hands "Satisfied now?"

"Satisfied," I say But the pressure in h earlier I was desperate to be out of the house, now I just wish I could blink and be hos, realizing that everything-- the party, seeing Alex--was a dream

"So?" He tilts his head back toward the barn The band is playing so loud and fast paced I don’t knohy the music appealed tonoise "Think we can get closer without getting tranore the fact that he has just said "we," a word that for so when pronounced with his lilting, laughing accent "Actually, I was just heading ho why--for not being what I thought he was, I guess, even though I should be grateful that he’s nor hoo hoive in to feelings of anger or irritation I can’t afford to at Carol’s house I owe her too much--and besides, after the few tantrums I threw as a child, I hated the way she looked ative in, let the anger surge I’ like this world, this other world, is the normal one, while I’m the freak It’s not fair: like all the rules have suddenly been changed and soot to tell me

"I can, and I a he’ll leave me alone Toup the hill after ?" I whirl around to face hi thatMaybe this is the secret to talking to boys--ry all the tihtly out of breath froes a smile