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As soon as I look up, his eyes click ontofreezes for a second, as though I’hfor that tiny span of ti of the shutter

His hair is golden brown, like leaves in autuht amber eyes The moment I see him I know that he’s one of the people responsible for this I know that he must live in the Wilds; I know he’s an Invalid Fear cla-- I’ives a minute shake of his head, and suddenly I can’t make a sound Then he does the absolutely, positively unthinkable

He winks at oes off It’s so loud I have to cover my ears with my hands I look down to see whether the evaluators have seen hi their little tabletop dance, and when I look up again, he’s gone

Chapter Five

"Step on a crack, you’ll break your mama’s back Step on a stone, you’ll end up all alone

Step on a stick, you’re bound to get the Sick Watch where you tread, you’ll bring out all the dead"

--A coround chant, usually accoht, I have the drea white cliff e I’ to crumble, to flake away and tumble down, down, down--thousands of feet belowso hard it looks like one gigantic, frothing stew, all whitecaps and surging water

I’ to fall, but for soe of the cliff, even as I feel the ground sifting away fro the to fall

And just before I know that there’s nothing underneathto feel the wind shrieking aroundunderneath me open up for a moment and I see my mother’s face, pale and bloated and splotched with blue, floating just below the surface

Her eyes are open, her , her ar in the current, as though she is waiting to embrace me

That’s when I wake up That’s when I alake up

My pillow is da inin my sleep Gracie is folded next to ainst the sheets, her ets into bed withthe dream She can sense it, somehow

I brush her hair away from her face and pull the sweat- soaked sheets away from her shoulders I’ll be sorry to leave Grace when I ether She is the only one who knows of the Coldness: a feeling that co that knocks h I’ve just been thrown in icy water On nights like that--although it is wrong and illegal--I think of those strange and terrible words, I love you, and wonder what they would taste like inrhythue

And of course I keep her secret safe I’m the only one who knows that Grace isn’t stupid, or slow: There’s nothing wrong with her at all I’ht after she’d co, the nightti quietly into the pillow next toher mouth with blankets so I could barely hear her: "Mo to chew her way around it; as though it was choking her in her sleep I’d put my arms around her and squeezed, and after what felt like hours she exhausted herself on the word and fell back to sleep, the tension in her body slowly relaxing, her face hot and bloated from the tears

That’s the real reason she doesn’t speak All the rest of her words are crowded out by that single, loo in the dark corners of her memory

Mommy

I know I rethen on the walls, listen for the sounds of the seagulls outside, take a drink frolass of water next to my bed Today is June 2

Ninety-four days

I wish, for Grace, the cure could co that someday she will have the procedure too Someday she will be saved, and the past and all its pain will be rendered as smoothly palatable as the food we spoon to our babies

So rinding sand into both of my eyes-- the official story about the incident at the labs has been released Carol keeps our small TV on lohile she makes breakfast, and the murmur of the newscasters’ voices almost puts me back to sleep "Yesterday a truck full of cattle intended for the slaughterhouse wasin the hilarious and unprecedented chaos you see on your screen" Cue: nurses squealing, swatting at lowing coith clipboards