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Especially when my smartphone is in there
I couldn’t pull it out
Bbbbzzzzzzzzzz
A cold horror set in as minutes ticked by and I CouldNotGetItOut I went to the toilet and tried to push it out It could land in the toilet and find its way through the sewers of Boston to float out into the ocean and wash up on the shores of Provincetown for all I cared at this point
Moisture daiven by noay
But--nope
I lay back on the floor and pushed
Nothing
I wiggled and waggled and twisted and turned like I was a contortionist auditioning in front of a very naughty Howie Mandel
Nada
The bottle of lube beckoned, so I poured an unholy a the bottle’s top in o, it shifted insideit out fast, as if having that stuck in there was so but leave a stain on my floor
And then, someone knocked on my front door I froze Oh, sweet, ht now? I stayed in place and stood naked from the waist down, in my own apart without of Glee
I looked around and found a pants, and yanked the as I bent and turned, unaccusto an entire smartphone up ly fah ! Bang! "Aonna drop this off but your mailbox isn’t labeled"
Uuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh I froze and stood there like a toddler with a loaded diaper, bowlegged as if I’d just ridden a horse for five ree angle, being chased by a o away
Bzzzzzz The only way to stop the da ers as I could inside lass side, Squish--tap Squish--tap Crying without tears, I succeeded on the third try
NoI’d turned the app off
And then, my pelvis buzzed WTF? Was this some kind of super-BDSM vibrator app, one that turned Siri into a dominatrix? Did she decide when I was done? Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?
My addled brain quickly put together that Darla was texting ly bad to horrifically worse
Bzzzzz!
"No luck," I heard Darla ht, standing there, le,tone of Call Me Maybe catones to pick
"That’s weird," I heard her say as the knocking started again
"A! Amy? Amy?" Her tone of voice had become concerned Midwesterners were so weird Maybe I wasn’t in a place to judge, though
Maybe I could just get her to go away if I answered the door and let her knoas fine I ran h my hair and took a step Ow Another step Ow Another step Shift Huah! Lurching step by step like a drug s of cocaine up h forcoyote It hadn’t been an aspiration ofthe door was an act of extreme faith Or stupidity I don’t think there was much of a difference at this point
"Hi," I said, a little too brightly "Hi, Darla! come on in!"
Her eyebroent from concerned furrow to surprised arches and back down to suspicious scrunch "U inside I stayed near the door, as et coWe eirdly close together, but I pretended everything was normal
The flip phone in her hand looked like a cat-o-nine-tails frohted to see her shove it in her back pocket My stupid brain took a second to think, You can text with a phone that old? That’s pretty a
"Uh, sure, yeah, totally okay! Is there sos you by?"
She reached into a rather large backpack and pulled out an all-too-familiar object My tablet
"Did I leave that at the bar?" I asked I took it frohtstand, and ca Lurch Lurch Lurch I walked over
Darla was si the boxes piled around the futon on the floor, and watching melike…Did youhurt your hoohaw?"
"My what?"
"Youryou know" She gestured to the crotch area "Your woina?"
"Any of it," she said "Vagina, vulva, clitoris Whatever You okay?" And then her face changed "Oh, did you have a really good night of sex? Did I interrupt sooin’"