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Maybe that’s why it didn’t hurt as much as it should have when it ended I supposed she did, and hands that were calloused, at that, froht Plus, , for one And what happened four years ago, for the other Beth had actually been kind of turned on by that She liked the way the interior skin along my knuckles was hard, how parts ofthe side of her ribcage and cupped her breast, made her feel like she ith a rockstar

After all, she kind of was

Someone had left a half-eot ready for the next set I looked out into the crowd The stage lights were off, and so like elevator music in the distance

I froze The blood drained out of me andaround sticks I didn’t have yet A it up Could that really be her? I rubbed ain, peering out into the crowd If it was her, daood to her She still did that little thing where she stuck her pinky finger into the corner of herit in a way that was so hot itto ht to it What I did to her four years ago was so shitty, I should be flogging myself, and not in that way As penance The Sah school couldn’t handle the fact that she, with one hug, one kiss, and one win, had cut off my balls and served them on a platter for my father to shove down my throat

I knew better now

Now that it was too late

"Hey, Sam" Lia a little piece of paper at me

It was a business card, and I flipped it between ers "What is it? Louise Erhardt Entertainment"

"It’s a job opportunity," Lia in the way he smiled at me made it see?"

He pressed his lips together and puffed so other than a cotton t-shirt, he’d have split the seams He crossed his arms over his chest, looked down at ood job"

"What job?"

He stalked off and called out over his shoulder, "Pays a couple hundred a night"

Couple hundred a night? Serious money Shit That could saveand she was gone, her drink still there Maybe I was fooling myself and it wasn’t really her Why would she co about her?

Amy

The bar’s bathroom was about as scuzzy as I’d expected, and the face that looked back at me from the mirror was, of course, exactly what I expected So into thedifferent, as if the layers that were insideme a different appearance The Amy who always stared back see, brown hair, with just enough wave to give it shape Big, brown eyes that see person I kneas s or small My skin wasn’t clear or a mess

And then there was my body I liked to think that I was just a head Literally A head that walked around attached to this thing that I required in order to function in daily life My body didn’t really matter to me, until it did Some people like to use the word voluptuous My randma called me chunky No one wasextra curves on my hips or a thicker than acceptable waist, and breasts that filled a cup and then so An indictment of a body that didn’t fit in with modern society

My ex, Brent, hadn’t seeh I would catch hihter than nore was the one that I explored so tentatively, and at other ti to understand the core of myself

What I wanted was someone else’s hands to do that work, someone else’s obsession to be zeroed in onAmy’s sensual self Instead, there was only s, and the occasional prop ordered discreetly online None of those, not even Brent, ca a substitute for the richness that I kneas out there in the world

Couldn’t I find that one person ould come to treasure me? Who would viewaround, or not just as a headless body, there to be fucked and throay,--but as the whole package? What I wanted h as I settled back at e for him

It wasn’t the idea of Sao the distance with ive up the entire world for, so that we could go deep and burrow into each other-- I kneas possibleit had to be, right?

If I could think it, it could be real

As I looked up and found Sa, and wondered if he could be the one, I saw Darla walk over to him No, past him She reached for Trevor, who reached back with a familiar ee on fire Jeez, the two of theet a room

I finished my drink, the watery taste of melted ice cubes and alcohol fae of a book, and then, out of the corner of my eye, Darla stepped away from Trevor as a hand slid up her back, under her shirt The hand was attached toJoe? Who then proceeded tooh, dear If they showed any ue I would think I was at a butcher shop

Who on earth was she actually with? The kiss with Joe went on and on untilred from my chest stretched up, then down

I felt like a voyeur, as if I weren’t supposed to be watching this, but what are you supposed to do when they’re onstage in front of a crowd? Trevor’s hand splayed across Darla’s ass, an ass about the size of ain--does any wo on in a sickly kind of way,in knots Was it possible? Were the two of themno, the three of them?

And then Sam approached her My whole body turned toin a cycle that left ry as Darla reached out for Sam

Oh, no, she didn’t

I stood, hands twisted into fists, the blood pounding at o dim Liam McCarthy jumped to the mic and shouted, "Are you ready to party?"My e Hadn’t seen hi the person who took your virginity really should generate an eht?