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"It’s okay," Chris said, as if soothing a little kid who’d scraped a knee "Shh, it’s fine You did the best you could You can’t give up"

"But what I’ve done" Peter covered his face with his hands God, you’ll never forgive ive yourself first," Chris said, and hallucination or not, this is what Peter needed to hear Much later, in fact, Peter wondered just who had answered

"Help me," Peter whispered

"Help yourself" It was Chris’s voice, and it wasn’t It was a little of Simon, and it was not It was small, the calm at the center of the storlass, a bubble out of time "Control yourself Find a space to hide"

"Space to hide?"

"Yes, a special place only you know about Put Peter there and I’ll find you again Wait for the right ive yourself, and live"

"Okay" The as salty and his voice faraway Knuckling away tears, he shuffled on hands and knees over dried urine and desiccated feces to the foot, which lay on its side like a forgotten shoe

"Go on," the small voice said "Do what you have to"

"Okay," Peter said again The stued with clot, scanty shreds of rawhis front teeth on a flap of loose skin, Peter gave a careful, experiht resistance He used his hands to help, stripping foot ave with a soft riiippp, a sound that re his old cotton underpants into dust rags--and then Peter began to chew

The taste was indescribably vile, like rotting liver left to turn green That taste was his life

"Now that," said Jug Ears, "is so fucking gross, I cannot tell you"

21

"I have so to tell you, honey About that phone call?" Her dad slowly retracts his line, the reel going click-click-click as he jerks the rod up and down, up and down Crappies love a juht?"

"Uh-huh?" Ellie’s not really listening A light breeze, still chilly in early June, whispers through the down on her arlassy there’s a whole other sky trapped underwater She should be focused on her float, but her attention is on athe far shore When it tilts its head, she can see the red flash of its eyes Lifting its neck, the loon wails, a spooky call--the sound of Minnesota’s Boundary Waters and fishing with her dad--that always sends fingers creeping down Ellie’s spine

"Cold?" Her dad slips an argles He smells of Dove soap and scorched sand, because Iraq never washes off After his first deployment, he cliear on as she perched on the tub and Grandpa leaned, uns before I left, her dad said, cranking the shower full blast But watch this The water gushed out clear and drained out ray, which surprised her because Grandpa Jack did a newspaper story on the troops and her dad sent video of a sandstore, not dead ash-gray Two ain, her daddy said, through spray Stuff never coh: All that daht hi crusts of leftover sand into a s the loons," she adds She wishes her dad wouldn’t talk This is the time she likes best: before a fish strikes Once the bait’s taken, it’s as if so breaks, because what happens next is a matter of life and death That fish’s life is over, just like that, and all because Ellie danced a ju when a crappie swa

"Oh" Her dad pauses "Anyway, that phone call"

"Yeah?" Froes, with two brown-black fluff balls Ellie feels a jolt of exciteht, she can hear the chicks’ peeps and the mom’s soft hoots "Look," she whispers "Babies!"

"Uh-huh" He squeezes her ar i chicks The dad glides over as the mother slips into the water and the babies follow: plopplop! "What?"

"I have to leave again," he says

For a second, the words just don’t sink in Across the lake, the loon fa around lily pads So the surface to snatch a bug But inside everything has gone as dead and ashy as Iraqi sand

"What?" she says, sitting up fast, as if she’s the or now The adult loons jerk their heads, too, as if they’re just as startled by the news "You just got back!"

"Sixas if his life depends on it Her dad keeps his hair military-short, and a red flush creeps into the fish-belly skin behind his ears and at the base of his neck "It was supposed to be a year, but they needwerethey’re out of commission" The way he says it, she knows it means dead, but that’s a taboo subject, what her daddy calls bad juju KIA is a jinx; say dead, it’s like stepping on a crack Men and dogs don’t die; they’re out of co out, and I know her, so"

It’s not a she I’ It is as if her dad and Grandpa Jack have decided she’s like this Mina: must be time to rotate Ellie to another handler

"When?" That’s not what she wants to say either, but fighting won’t help She bounces her gaze from him to his water-twin "Never mind Doesn’t matter"

"Teeks" In the water, the twin dad turns her a look "Got to square sos away, but we can" His voice trails off She can’t even is better

She doesn’t say okay Or I hate you Or every tio, it’s like you die and I’m so scared I die, too Besides, one is a fib She has no interest in the loons now Instead, she stares down at the little water-girl, trapped next to her water-dad, who says--

"er?"

"Huh?" Ellie blinked away fro and into the here and now of March Stuffed with high clouds,

the afternoon sky was the color of boiled egg white As she looked

up fro hole, she had to raise a