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And then I think of Al

I wonder how long Al stood at the ledge before he pitched himself over it, into the Dauntless Pit

Hea list of all the terrible things he had done--als--and another list of all the good, heroic, brave things he had not done, and then decided that he was tired Tired, not just of living, but of existing Tired of being Al

I open my eyes, and stare at the pieces of chair I can faintly see on the pavement below For the first ti Tris I have done bad things I can’t take them back, and they are part of who I a I a on to the side of the ith one hand Another few inches and round I would not be able to stop it

But I can’t do it My parents lost their lives out of love for ood reason would be a terrible way to repay them for that sacrifice, no uilt teach you how to behave next time," my father would say

"I love you No matter what," my mother would say

Part of me wishes I could burn them from my mind, so I would never have to mourn for them But the rest of me is afraid of who I would be without them

My eyes blurry with tears, I lower ation roo, and Tobias is already awake He turns and walks toward the elevators, and I follow him, because I know that’s what he wants We stand in the elevator, side by side I hear ringing in my ears

The elevator sinks to the second floor, and I start to shake It starts with my hands, but travels to h my entire body and I have no way to stop theht above another Candor symbol, the uneven scales The symbol that is also drawn on the middle of his spine

He doesn’t look attime He stands with his arms crossed and his head down until I can’t stand it any, but I don’t knohat to say I can’t apologize, because I only told the truth, and I can’t change the truth into a lie I can’t give excuses

"You didn’t tell me," he says "Why not?"

"Because I didn’t" I shake my head "I didn’t kno to"

He scowls "It’s pretty easy, Tris--"

"Oh yeah," I say, nodding "It’s so easy All I have to do is go up to you and say, ‘By the way, I shot Will, and now guilt is ripping ht?" Suddenly it is too much, too much to contain Tears fillone of your best friends and then dealing with the consequences?"

I cover ain He touches ently this time "I’m sorry I shouldn’t pretend that I understand I just les for a s like that"

I do trust you, is what I want to say But it isn’t true--I didn’t trust his I had done I don’t trust anyone to do that, but that isn’t his problem; it’s mine

"I mean," he says, "I had to find out that you almost drowned in a water tank froe to you?"

Just when I was about to apologize

I wipe ertips and stare at hi toout that your boyfriend’s supposedly deadhis plans to ally with the factionless, but he never tells you about it That seee to me"

He takes his hand from my shoulder

"Don’t pretend this is only my problem," I say "If I don’t trust you, you don’t trust s eventually," he says "Do I have to tell you everything right away?"

I feel so frustrated I can’t even speak for a few seconds Heat fills my cheeks

"God, Four!" I snap "You don’t want to have to tellright away? Can’t you see how stupid that is?"

"First of all, don’t use that na atplans to ally with the factionless; I was just thinking it over If I hadto you And third, it would be different if you had actually intended to tell me about Will at some point, but it’s obvious that you didn’t"

"I did tell you about Will!" I say "That wasn’t truth serum; it was me I said it because I chose to"

"What are you talking about?"

"I are Under the serum I could have lied; I could have kept it froht you deserved to know the truth"

"What a way to tell"In front of over a hundred people! How intih that I told you; it has to be in the right setting?" I raise my eyebrows "Next tiht, too?"

Tobias lets out a frustrated sound and turns away fro a few steps When he turns back, his cheeks are splotchy I can’t ree color before

"Sometimes," he says quietly, "it isn’t easy to be with you, Tris" He looks away

I want to tell him that I know it’s not easy, but I wouldn’t have h the past ithout hi in my ears

I can’t tell him I need him I can’t need him, period--or really, we can’t need each other, because who kno long either of us will last in this war?

"I’one "I should have been honest with you"

"That’s it? That’s all you have to say?" He frowns

"What else do you want , Tris Nothing"

I watch him walk away I feel like a space has opened up withinso rapidly it will break me apart

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"OKAY, WHAT THE hell are you doing here?" a voice demands

I sit on a , but I lost ht when I arrived, so I just sat down instead I look up Lynn--who I firstelevator--stands overout--it’s still short, but I can’t see her skull any," I say "Why?"

"You’re ridiculous, is what you are" She sighs "Get your stuff together You’re Dauntless, and it’s ti the Candor"

"How exactly a like you don’t know us"

"I’ Christina a favor"