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Tears stung ave myself that one time to cry over the loss of a child ould be better off withoutwith the cold-hearted boy I was better off without Staring at the unused rocking chair in the corner of the homey little room, I swore I would leave that place and put it all behind o live et all of it, starting the moment I stepped out of the hospital

Two days later,The doctor had mentioned this probability, but I didn’t count on the reality of it My stupid body assumed it had a baby to feed Or a dozen babies, fros

‘What the hell?’ I wailed to Kathryn ‘What the hell is this?’ I felt like someone had shoved soccer balls beneath the too-stretched skin of my once-perfect breasts

‘Honey, your body doesn’t know you don’t have hiusting! Make it stop!’ My nipples dripped painfully, soaking my T-shirt, and I sat on the floor and cried, all previous strength vanishing under hor under control My body was betraying me

Kathryn called the doctor, who refused to prescribe anything but painkillers, which I refused to take For three weeks, we bound es of frozen veggies to hold against them while I watched television and read scripts

Observing this, Kylie, hoested I think of it as a bizarre sports injury ‘Basically, your tits are on injured reserve,’ she said, and we laughed hysterically as Kathryn just shook her head at us and brought s of frozen peas

‘I will never be able to look at peas the sas to s to the trash

Kathryn She’s who I need now Without another thought, I grab my phone

‘Brooke, how are you, honey?’ Just those words fro while I give up the search for a box of tissues and use a decorative hand towel to soak up the spontaneous tears and stop up ht

‘I found him, Kathryn I found him, and I think maybe … he needs me’

‘Slon, Brooke You found who?’

I sniffle into the phone, unprepared to speak just yet

‘Oh Oh’

This is why I called my stepmother She’s so perceptive, and always so attuned tofor River, but I tell her I found him, and she knows

3

RIVER

I am small I am quiet I wish I was invisible

In my old house, I hid when people came One time, I was asleep on the couch next to Mama when her friend Harry came over Harry is mean and loud, and I hate him the most I pulled my blankie over my head I held my breath and didn’t move

But he pulled the blankie away ‘This worthless critter’s still here?’

When he grabbed my arm, I shook my head until he was blurry I’hed, and his mouth smelled like the trash under the sink ‘Critters like this are even scrawnier when you skin ’eo even though I tugged hard as I could

‘Harry, let him be’ Maether, like when she was about to yell or hit She never hit me very hard, but I didn’t like her to be ed me after and said she was sorry

Harry squeezed my arm harder, like he wanted to snap it into two pieces I wondered what sound it would ers looked like bones from a skeleton

I found bones in the yard one time, under some old boards They were a bird shape, but flat I was real careful when I dug it loose and took it to show Mama, but her et that dirty dead thing out of her kitchen I dug a hole in the dirt and put the bones in and covered it, because you’re supposed to bury dead things in the ground

Skeletons are a lot of bones thatI saw a person skeleton once, at Halloween It was sitting in a chair, like it aiting for so holes with no eyes, but it looked like it was suts or brains or heart, either It was e a skin T-shirt stretched over his whole body Mama told him all the time he didn’t have a heart When he wasn’t around, she told uts

‘Don’t he ever talk?’ Harry stared athed, because I made her sad

‘A boy his size that won’t talk? So he’s a retard? You should give him to me for a week or so I’d learn hi her no with ood every day I would do everything she said

‘This little shit don’t even look like you You sure he’s yours?’ When he laughed again, I tried not to breathe in the stink

‘He’s adopted’