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Chapter Five

I WASN&039;T SO angry that I forgot to check out the crowd as we er down to be able to see straight I was actually ht could be all the worse for it I hated being e that&039;s what I did didn&039;t change the fact that I did it It just let ry

I actually waited until ere in the parking lot to say, "Nicky? What the fuck kind of name is that?"

"One I&039;d remeh that he alain; I don&039;t need a stage naure out your real name, do you?"

I frowned at hiure it out eventually"

"Maybe, but if you give thee name to remember, they&039;ll think of you as a stripper, not as a federal h that Detective Arnet saw us on stage that night"

"Yes, and I&039; for her to tell the rest of the police that she and I ith"

"But she hasn&039;t," he said

I shook my head

"She can&039;t ad she was there, and why," he said

"Cops go to strip clubs all the tio to see strippers, she went to see me"

That stopped me Made me turn and stare at him "What do you ht you weren&039;t there Since you&039;ve avoided the club as much as possible, that&039;s a lot of the time Can we have this conversation in the car?"

He had a point I unlocked the car, and we climbed in "Where&039;s the other car?"

"I had Micah drop me off, so he&039;ll have the car if he needs it I knew you&039;d drive me home"

It made sense I turned on the car so the heater would start working I finally realized it was a little chilly My anger had keptopen "What do you mean, Arnet came to the club?"

"She paid to have a private dance"

I stared at him "She did what?"

Detective Jessica Arnet worked on the Regional Preternatural Investigation Team, RPIT for short It was the branch of local police that I worked with the most I&039;d known she had a crush on Nathaniel, but I&039;d been so busy trying not to ad with a stripper that I&039;d kept hiht hi that Arnet was at Then the secret was out, and she washer ere an item sooner She seemed to feel like I&039;d let her make a fool of herself She hadn&039;t made a fool of herself, but she had coht that Nathaniel gotNathaniel Chain soer a few ti theer had been Nathaniel and Jean-Claude&039;s idea A part of Nathaniel&039;s regular show, apparently What I&039;d done next had been all h to bleed hie It had been the first time I&039;d voluntarily ot out of control, but because he liked it, and I liked it, and I&039;d promised

Arnet was convinced that I was Madame de Sade and Nathaniel wasthat Nathaniel was only a victiht it I&039;d been convinced she would tell the other cops and outwith a twenty-year-old stripper with juvenile arrests for prostitution was bad enough, but getting on stage myself, well, that would have been oh, hell, bad

"How private a dance did she get?"

He grinned "Are you jealous?"

I thought about it for a second, then had to say, "Yeah, I guess so"

"That&039;s so sweet," he said

"Just tell me about Arnet"

"She didn&039;t want the dance She wanted to talk" He seemed to think about it for a second, then added, "Okay, she wanted the dance, a lot, but she was too uncomfortable with me to ask for what she wanted We just talked"

"About?" I said

"She tried to getme She wanted me to leave you and save myself"

"Why didn&039;t you tell me?"

"You were already worried about Arnet telling Zerbrowski and the other cops what she&039;d seen You were in the ure you needed the hassle, and I handled it"

"Has she been back?"

He shook his head

"Tell me next time, okay?"

"If you want"

"I want"

"She can&039;t tell on you, because she&039;d be afraid you&039;d tell the for your stripper boyfriend She doesn&039;t want to admit that what bothered her the most about the show you and I did is that she liked it"

"I didn&039;t think Arnet swung that way," I said

"Neither did she"

I looked at him, studied that face There was a look on it now "Just say it, the look in your eyes, just say it"

"You hate most in others what you don&039;t like in yourself"

"Huh"

"What?"

"I thought soht"

"What about?"

I shook irlfriend a stage na the connection to Anita Blake?"

"Yeah, I do They&039;ll think of you as a stripper na or any , but why Nicky, why that name?"

"Because I knew I&039;d remember it"

"Remember it, why?"

"Because it was my name when I did porn"

I blinked at him "What?"

"Nicky Brandon is the na blink, the one that ave raphy name?"

"Half of it," he said

I didn&039;t knohat to say Was I supposed to be flattered, or insulted? "I declare this fight over until I figure out if we&039;re actually fighting"

"Trust ht"

"Then how cory?"

"Let&039;s see: there&039;s so with us, you always hate it when fans recognize Brandon the stripper, but tonight, for the first tie If you&039;re embarrassed by my job, you&039;re even more embarrassed that anyone would think you could be a stripper"

"I&039;m not embarrassed about your job"

"Yeah, you are," he said

I started the car "I am not"

"Then next time you introduce me to your friends, don&039;t call me a dancer, call me an exotic dancer"

I openedup I wouldn&039;t do it He was right I&039;d keep introducing him as simply a dancer "Do you want me to introduce you like that?"

"No, but I want you not to be ashamed of what I do"

"I&039;m not ashamed of you, or your job"

"Fine, have it your way" But his tone said clearly that he was lettingI hated when he did that He just stopped fighting in the ht, not because he&039;d lost, but just because he didn&039;t want to fight anyht? Answer: you don&039;t

The real trouble was, he was right I was embarrassed about his job I shouldn&039;t have been, but I was When he was a teenager, he&039;d been a runaway, and a prostitute, and on drugs He&039;d been off drugs for nearly four years He&039;d been out of "the life" since he was sixteen He&039;d done porn, and I knew that But I didn&039;t dwell on it I assu the , but I wasn&039;t sure of that I hadn&039;t really asked, had I? He was a wereleopard, which meant he couldn&039;t catch any sexually transnore his past The lycanthropy killed everything that could injure the host body; it kept him healthy It made it so that I could pretend he hadn&039;t had more sexual partners than I wanted to know about

I was trapped at the light across from St Louis Bread Company when I said, "Want to hear what Jean-Claude told me about the mask?"

"If you want to tell me" He sounded mad

"I&039;m sorry that I&039;m not completely comfortable with your job, okay?"

"Well, at least you aded, and I eased forward We&039;d had two inches of snow, and everyone here forgot how to drive in it "I don&039;t like to admit when I&039;m uncomfortable, you know that"

"Tell me what Jean-Claude said"

I told him

"So they may be here for Malcolm and his church"

"Maybe"

"I&039;m surprised you didn&039;t demand more answers on the phone"

"I didn&039;t knohat the happy couple wanted Jean-Claude said we&039;re not in danger, so I hung up"

"It&039;s not nized us"

"You They recognized you"

"Fine, they recognized ain

"I&039;m sorry, Nathaniel, I&039;m really sorry That wasn&039;t fair"

"No, you&039;re right If we hadn&039;t been out together they probably wouldn&039;t have spotted you"

"I am not embarrassed to be seen with you in public"

"You hate it when fans recognize ht I was pretty cool when that woman passed you her phone number at dinner, when you were out with Micah and me"

"She waited until you went to the bathroom"

"And that&039;s supposed to make me feel better?" I turned onto 44 and headed toward the city

"She didn&039;t want to intrude on our date"

"She thought you and Micah were escorts, and that I was paying you for the evening"

"The last ti, Anita"

"I know, I know She passed you her nuain, and the old nuht, she was polite about it"

"I told her I was on a date-date, and she was embarrassed"

I still reant and old enough to be Nathaniel&039;s mother Thanks to Jean-Claude I knew clothes, and she&039;d been wearing expensive ones The jewelry had been understated, but very nice She was one of those women who headed charity balls and sat on co h to be her son

"I think what bothered me about her was that she didn&039;t look like someone ould"

"Hire an escort," he finished for me

"Yeah"

"I had a lot of different kinds of custoured that"

"Did you, or did you try never to think about it?"

"Okay, the latter"

"I can&039;t change my past, Anita"

"I didn&039;t ask you to"

"But you want "

"I never said that"

"You&039;re eh"

"For God&039;s sake, Nathaniel, let it go I&039;e ripped the steering wheel so tight it hurt "When I fed the ardeur off you that night, I fed off the entire audience I didn&039;t mean to, but I fed on their lust I felt how much they enjoyed the show, and I fed on it"

"And you didn&039;t have to feed again for twenty-four hours"

"Jean-Claude took uys"

"Yes, but he thinks that one of the reasons he was able to do that is that you fed off the crowd, and me I loved that you marked me in front of the crowd You knothat if I hadn&039;t gone up on stage and accidentally fed frootten out of control in the middle of that serial killer case?"

"Maybe"

I thought about that for a second as I drove I thought about the ardeur going out of control in a van full of cops, Mobile Reserve cops, our answer to SWAT I thought about the ardeur getting out of control while I was in a nest of vampires that had killed over ten people

"If that&039;s true, then why didn&039;t Jean-Claude try to get ain?"

"He&039;s offered"

"I&039;ve refused"

"Yeah," Nathaniel said

"Why tell me now?"

"Because I&039;m mad at you," he said He lowered his head on top of the box in his lap "Because I&039;m mad that our date is ruined I&039; to ruin our almost-anniversary"

"I didn&039;t plan this," I said

"No, but your life is always like this Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a normal date with you?"

"If you don&039;t like it, you don&039;t have to stay in it" The moment I said it, I wished I hadn&039;t, but I didn&039;t take it back

"Do you mean that?" he asked, in a low, careful voice

"No," I said, "no, I don&039;tat me That&039;s usually Richard&039;s job"

"Don&039;t compare me with him I don&039;t deserve that"

"No, you don&039;t" Richard Zeeman had once been my fiance, but it hadn&039;t lasted I&039;d broken up with him when I saw him eat someone He was the head of the local olf pack He&039;d broken up with me when he couldn&039;t handle that I was more comfortable with the monsters than he was At theirlfriend in the preternatural co to replacefor a completely human woman to replace me in the part of his life where he was a h science teacher He wanted kids and a life that didn&039;t include full moons and killer zombies I didn&039;t blame him coht have taken it Of course, Richard really didn&039;t have the option either There was no cure for lycanthropy But he was going to divide his life into pieces and try to keep all the pieces fro out about the other parts Sounded hard, hell, sounded like a recipe for disaster But it wasn&039;t ot serious about so the other woman

"You missed the turn, Anita," Nathaniel said

I cursed and braked too hard in the thin snow I got the Jeep under control, then let us coast past our exit I&039;d turn around You could always turn around "Sorry," I said

"Thinking about Richard?" He tried for neutral and failed

"Yeah"

"My fault, I guess; I brought him up"

"What&039;s with the tone?" I asked I turned into a section of town that was in the entrified but hadn&039;t quite made it yet But ere headed back toward the riverfront

"If Richard were a stripper, would you be embarrassed by him, too?"

"Drop this, Nathaniel, I mean it"

"Or what?" There was that first prickling run of energy overhis beast peek out

"You&039;re picking on ht, Nathaniel I don&039;t need that"

"I believe that you lovefrom what I am I need you to accept who I am"

"I do"

"You tell Arnet that I&039; sex You won&039;t abuse ain," I said

"Anita, the bondage is part of who I aood"

This was one of the reasons I&039;d fought so long and hard to stay out of Nathaniel&039;s love life I did some stuff, nails, teeth, and I enjoyed it, but there were li to push me past those liinning that he wouldn&039;t be happy with soe scene than he was, and that was exactly as happening

"In some ways you make me feel better about myself than anyone ever has, Anita, but you also make me feel bad about myself You make me feel like an evil freak, because of what I want"

I found a parking spot just down the street fron It was unusual to find parking this close to the club on a weekend Parallel parking is not , so I concentrated on that, while part of ht furiously about what to say to hiot us parked and turned off the car The silence was thicker than I wanted it to be I turned as far as the seat belt would allow and looked at him He stared out the ay from me

"I don&039;t want to make you feel bad about yourself, Nathaniel I love you, damn it"

He nodded, then turned and looked at littered on tears "I&039; to drive you away My therapist says that I&039;m either a full partner in the relationship, or I&039;m not Full partners ask for their needs to be ht his therapist would be on er considered an illness It was just another alternative lifestyle Daet what you need out of our out of us"

"I&039; for that much, Anita Just tie me up while we have sex Then do ould have done anyway Nothing else"

I leaned over and brushed the tears fro up, Nathaniel It&039;s that once I say yes to that, what&039;s next? And don&039;t tell me there isn&039;t a next"

"Tie o from there"

"That&039;s what scares me," I said "I say yes to this, and there&039;ll be so with so else, Anita? What scares you isn&039;t ht like it"

"That&039;s not fair"

"Maybe not, but it&039;s true You like being held down during sex You like it rough"

"Not all the ti tied up all the ti?"

"I&039;m not sure I can s that worried "

"Then are you okay withsoe with someone else?" He said it fast, as if he were afraid he&039;d lose his nerve

I just stared at him "Where the hell did this co to find out what the limits are, Anita, that&039;s all"

"Do you want someone else?" I asked it, because I had to ask

"No, but you have other people in your bed, and I&039;m okay with that, but if you won&039;tthat if I don&039;t come across, you&039;ll break up with me?"

"No, no" He hid his face with his hands and h the car, like hot water spilling across my skin He sed the power back and looked at me He looked pained "I need this, Anita I want to do it with you, but I need it with someone It&039;s part of who I am sexually; it just is"

I tried to wrap ames with someone else, then coht; I was forcing hi hiames with someone else, then come home to me?"

"I can find a master who doesn&039;t do sexual contact I can find soe is sex for you"

He nodded "Soht, Nathaniel"

"I&039; you to; just think about it Decide what you wantme an ultimatum; I don&039;t deal ith ultimatums"

"It&039;s not an ultimatum, Anita, it&039;s just true I love you, and I&039;m happier with you than I&039;ve ever been with anyone for this long Honestly, I didn&039;t think we&039;d still be together this long Seven est relationship I&039;ve ever had When I thought it would be like all the rest - a fewdeal I could behave ot tired of me"

"I&039;m not tired of you"

"I know that In fact, I think you&039;re going to keep me I didn&039;t expect that"

"Keep you? You make yourself sound like a lost puppy that I picked up on the street You don&039;t &039;keep&039; people, Nathaniel"

"Fine, pick a different word, but we&039;re living together and it&039;s working, and itthis need ht last years; you still talk about us like on&039;t last"

"Years is lasting," he said, "and everyone gets tired of me, eventually"

I didn&039;t knohat to say to that "I&039;m not tired of you Frustrated, puzzled as hell, but not tired"

He smiled, but it didn&039;t reach his eyes "I know that, and if I didn&039;t feel secure enough, I wouldn&039;tunhappy about this, but if you love me, then I can ask for what I want"

If you love me, he&039;d said Jesus "Ityour ass to the curb for this"

"For what, asking for my sexual needs to be ainst the steering wheel and tried to think "Can we please drop this for nohile I think about it?"

"Sure" His voice sounded hurt