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Jason left without a word, but Nathaniel said he&039;d wait outside with the wererats No one liked leaving us alone, not evenleft alone with me, but he&039;d asked for it, and I hadn&039;t

Richard stayed on the floor, as if he&039;d never ain Since there was no chair, I stripped the stained sheets froe of it I sat sort of half-cross-legged, with one leg dangling off the bed, but I made sure the robe covered as much of me as it could

We sat that way in total silence for at least a er I broke first, because just watching him kneel there, head bowed, o badly Richard didn&039;t take comfort froto play

"What&039;s up, Richard? You wanted privacy for a talk We&039;ve got the privacy, now talk"

He h Angry It didn&039;t spill out into his power, or fill the roo, probably as hard as I was "You make it sound easy"

"I didn&039;t say it was easy I just said, you wanted to talk, so talk"

"Just like that"

"Hell, Richard, you&039;re the one who asked for this talk I didn&039;t invite you into a private conversation"

"You asked about the fight with Clair I don&039;t want to share that with everyone"

"You don&039;t have to share it with me"

"I think I need to"

"What&039;s that supposed to h for me to hear it, then shook his head "Let&039;s start over I&039;ll try not to be mad, if you try not to pick atat you, Richard I&039;et you to talk to me"

He looked up at ry any hard to tell you, would you say, &039;so talk&039;?"

I took a deep breath and let it out "No, no I wouldn&039;t Okay, how&039;s this I&039; that is so obviously painful for you But what I said before is still true, you don&039;t owe irlfriend, Richard You really don&039;t"

"I know that, but it&039;s the quickest way I can think to explain everything"

I wanted to say, "explain what?" but fought the urge He was obviously hurting, and I tried not to rub salt into anyone&039;s wounds But the call for privacy, and the big buildup wasme nervous As far as I knew, Richard and I didn&039;t have anything this iht differently ht uneasy

I sat on the corner of the bed, one hand going to the top of the robe, because even with it belted tight it was gaping Too big through the shoulders, so it just didn&039;t fit quite right I kept one hand on the top and the other hand in my lap, so I didn&039;t accidentally flash him I&039;d been buck naked in front of him for limpse I think it was his comment, that he couldn&039;t have this talk with me naked Would I find it hard to talk seriously if he was naked in front of me? I wanted to answer no, but truthfully in my own head, the ansas yes Shit, I did not need this

He was back to staring at the floor I couldn&039;t stand it I had to prompt him, but I tried to prompt him more kindly than before I tried to think of him as my friend and not as the ex who always seemed to rain all over my parade

"What do you want to tell ed to keep my voice neutral Points for me

He took in a lot of air and let it out, then raised a pair of sad brown eyes to me "Maybe that&039;s not where to start"

"Okay," I said, voice careful, "start somewhere else then"

He shook his head "I don&039;t kno to do this"

I wanted to yell, "do what?" but I resisted But my patience had never been limitless, and I knew that if he continued to be obtuse, I&039;d blow it Or ave , he&039;d just jump in

"It&039;s been a while since I felt your rage," I said

"I&039;m sorry about that I lost control, I don&039;t"

"It&039;s not a complaint, Richard What I meant to say was that it felt different than the first time I touched it"

He looked at me "What do you er, like me, almost more than you"

I had his attention now "I don&039;t understand"

"I&039;ht Asher once told me that Jean-Claude had become more ruthless because I was his huained soain what your partner has to share"

He was looking atThere was a good mind in there soht, I understand that"

"If Jean-Claude gained so hiot soot Jean-Claude&039;s blood lust and the ardeur What did you gain froained some of Jean-Claude&039;s blood lust Blood is as attractive as flesh toIndian fashion on the floor "It&039;s easier to talk ht, I interfered with you controlling that zo about that scared him Guess I couldn&039;t bla this easy and the zoain the first time?"

He frowned at the floor "I don&039;t see"

"What if you gained soer can&039;t be worse than the rage of the beast"

I laughed, and it was closer to huh had been, but not by h time in my head if you believe that"

He shook his head, stubbornly "A hue that the beast is"

"You haven&039;t researched many human serial killers, have you?"

"You know I haven&039;t," he said, and he sounded gruru to make a point here"

"Then make it," he said

"See, that&039;s exactly what I&039; about That sounds er for the last bit, and I&039;ve been less quick to anger, why? What if you got soot soain "You&039;re saying that your hue That&039;s not possible"

It was my turn to shake my head "Richard, you seem to think that huet that idea"

"Humans don&039;t eat each other"

"Shit, Richard, yes, they do"

"I don&039;t mean cultures that have ritual cannibalis lycanthropes to serial killers isn&039;t going toa lycanthrope"

"My point is that hue filled, just as destructive The difference is that a olf is better equipped for s and the claws that you guys do, then we&039;d, they&039;d, be just as destructive It isn&039;t lack of wanting to do it, it&039;s lack of the right tools that e, Anita, it&039;s awful It&039;s worse than al crazy So angry, al that was in you"

"Not past tense, Richard, trust o"

"What you operate on, what does that mean?"

"It , bottoe Maybe I came with it I know my mother&039;s death helped fill it up But as far back as I can remember, it&039;s been there"

He shook his head "You&039;re just saying this tothat wasn&039;t true just to er filled his eyes, like ic One moment trustworthy brown, the next moment serial killer dark "Thank you, thank you veryme that I don&039;t mean shit to you anymore"

I shook my head, and lettoat all, ouldn&039;t be in this rooht I&039;ry" He tried to rub his arms, but the bloody scrapes hurt

"You said you wanted to lick the wounds, go ahead It won&039;t bother me"

"It will botheryour wounds would make you feel better You&039;d enjoy it, and that&039;s what bothers you Not the wanting to do it, but how good it feels when you give in to it"

He nodded, staring at his hands "I tried to embrace my beast, Anita I really tried"

"I felt you feeding on a deer I felt how happy you were in wolf form It felt like you had embraced it"

"When I&039; huets et you confused, or Clair?"

He gave ht you didn&039;t hear the fight"

"I got one hen she was screa about herself and her beast?"

"No, you got it exactly right" He laid his hands in his own lap, and his eyes were back to being sad, like sory, sad It was like so her" His voice was soft when he said it

I gave hiht the idea was to show in ave a very s You don&039;t believe it, just like that, you don&039;t believe I could do that to her"

"I don&039;t believe you would do that to any woman, but that&039;s beside the point"

"No," he said, and his voice sounded more relaxed than it had since he entered the room, "that&039;s not beside the point, not for me After what a bastard I&039;ve been to you, that you still believe in me, that means a lot"

I wasn&039;t sure what to say to that If I agreed that he&039;d been a bastard would that start a fight? If he thought I believed in hi idea? Ithat Richard would rape someone didn&039;t mean that much to me He was a decent person, that&039;s all

"I&039;inning of the love, Richard"

His eyes looked haunted, as if there was so I&039;d missed "She said that I always make love like it&039;s rape"

That ain "Excuse me? Tell that to me slowly, because it made no sense fast"

He looked up atin his eyes, so he wanted me to say, or do, but I didn&039;t knohat "Do you mean that?"

"I mean, explain what she h, that it&039;s like rape That I don&039;t kno to make love, that I only kno to fuck" His eyes looked raw, as if the pain in them had been skinned naked to shine out of his face It hurt ave hiht of what Clair had said

"Is she still your girlfriend?"

"I don&039;t think so"

"Good, because I&039;d hate to say she&039;s crazy if you were still going to date her"

"Why is she crazy?" he asked

"What kind of head job has she done on you, Richard? Rape isn&039;t a word that anyone should use lightly"

"She didn&039;t use it lightly," Richard said, and the small smile was bitter "She meant it"

"How?"

He looked at me, and the pain was still raw "Did I ever hurt you ere together?"

I started to ask, "emotionally, or physically?" then decided to just ask, "You mean physically?"

"I mean did I hurt you e made love?" He shook his head "I&039;ht to ask, but I didn&039;t knoho else to ask I knew you wouldn&039;t lie, because I was your Ulfric, or because you didn&039;t want to hurt ive me a real answer"

I looked at hi After everything we&039;d done to each other, all the fights, the hurts, and he still trusted me He trusted me not to lie, not to make it worse than it was, or better than it was, but to tell the truth I wasn&039;t sure if I was flattered or insulted I decided to be flattered, because anything else would have pissedin ht, I&039;d give him the truth But a lot of people wouldn&039;t A lot of people would have used it as an excuse to twist the knife a little deeper He was damned lucky I wasn&039;t one of those people

I opened my mouth, closed it, stroked my hands down the silk of the robe, and finally had to look away from those pain-filled eyes while I tried to think how to answer Not truth or lie, but how to say it

He stood up, suddenly, abruptly "That&039;s alright, I shouldn&039;t have asked"

"Sit back down, Richard I&039; to think how to say it, so it doesn&039;t sound stupid"

He stood there, his face all set to be angry, as if he didn&039;t believe , but you asked if you&039;d ever hurt ht?"

He nodded

"Yes, and no"

The scowl turned into a frown "What does that mean, &039;yes and no&039;?"

"It means that Mother Nature has h, unless you&039;re very careful"

He frowned harder "I don&039;t understand"

Of course he didn&039;t, of course he wouldas possible "Richard, you are aware that you&039;re well-endowed, right?" I felt the blush start creeping upI could do about it I&039;d always blushed fairly easily, but I&039;d seldom hated it as much as I did in that moment

"Raina said I was It was one of the reasons she wanted me for the e before Raina?"

It was his turn to blush "I was a virgin before Raina"

I shivered, and the look on his face was so raw, that I said out loud, "The thought of a virgin with Raina is just frightening She was one very sick puppy"

He nodded "I know that, now"

"Did you know it at the beginning with her?" I asked

"I didn&039;t have anything to compare it to," he said

I had an idea Raina had been his first lover, and Raina had been into sadomasochism on a scale that made a joke out of safe, sane, and consensual She&039;d done porn, hell, snuff films She&039;d been one of the scariest and most twisted people I&039;d everto compare it to, what exactly did that mean?

I tried to lead up to it, obliquely, inal point "You&039;re big, Richard, whichlove, unless you&039;re careful it can hurt"

"I did hurt you," he said, and he sounded desolate

"I didn&039;t say that"

"Yes, you did"

"Richard, listen to what I&039;, don&039;t editorialize in your own head, okay?" I stood, so I could pace This was not a conversation for sitting still

"I&039;ll try," he said

"Good enough" I caain "A lot of wo sex"

He gavemy ex-fianc¨¦ sex education? How does anyone end up in these kinds of conversations? Just unlucky, I guess

"If you go too deep, you reach the end of ina, you hit their cervix"

He nodded, then said, "I always coesture "That&039;s my point"

"What&039;s your point?"

I put hands on hips because either he was being deliberately obtuse, or he really wasn&039;t getting it "You&039;re big enough that you always bump someone&039;s cervix if you&039;re in a position that allows all of your penis to go inside her I can&039;t be any plainer, Richard, so please make the connection here"

"You mean it hurts them," he said

"Yes"

"It hurt you," he said

"No I like having as again, butthat if you didn&039;t like it, that it would hurt"

"It would just hurt," I said, "because in some positions, with someone as well-endowed as you are, it is a sort of pain But forfor Raina, it was ory that contained Raina, but I would have bet good ht

"I hurt you, but I didn&039;t?"

I sighed "Look, this is an area that I&039;ve only recently eet confused What would hurtsex" It was my confession, so I didn&039;t have to meet his eyes, since it was my pain and not his

"Me, too," he said

I looked at him "Well, that would explain a lot"

"What do you reat, Richard Even when everything else was going to hell, the sex never stopped being great"

"You mean that?"

I nodded "Yes"

He smiled, and it was al in his eyes "So you think I was too rough for Clair, because of orous"

He gave that frown again

"Richard, haven&039;t you ever been with anyone where you weren&039;t as vigorous?"

He gave me a look that said more clearly than any words that the ansas no

"Okay, a friend of s, they tend to imprint on their first lovers Which means they tend to make love the way they are first trained to make love You were trained by a woman as a sexual sadist and made porn movies, violent porn movies"