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The t-shirt and undies went in the first rash of hands, but I&039;d never tried to touch him when it wasn&039;t a metaphysical necessity I&039;d never just turned to Nathaniel because I wanted him It wasn&039;t that I didn&039;t find him attractive God knows I did, but I hadn&039;t realized until those first few moments how ht of it as only a curse, but I appreciated for the first tiot irls-don&039;t-do-this attitude Without the ardeur, it was just ly

Nathaniel noticed, because he notices everything He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at ?"

I wasn&039;t sure how to say it, and that must have shown on my face, because he said, "Just say it, Anita, whatever it is"

I looked up at hith of his body I had to close my eyes, and finally said, "Without the ardeur, it&039;s just me It&039;s just me, and I&039;m" I sat up "I&039;m not comfortable"

"With me?"

I started to nod, then stopped, and said the real truth "With myself"

He ainst the small of my back He was so warm "What does thatto someone else, that I didn&039;t really understand myself? "I don&039;t know if I can explain it," I said

The bathroom door opened, and we both looked up Jason was there with a towel around his waist He wasn&039;t wet, but he earing a towel I&039;d been around the shapeshifters long enough to think that was odd

"I can&039;t stand it," he said, "I just can&039;t stand it"

"What?" I said

"You&039;re going to fuck this up"

I looked at him, and it wasn&039;t a friendly look

"Don&039;t glare at me" He came to stand at the end of the bed, hands on hips "I&039;ve told you that I&039;d give al to have someone look at me the way Nathaniel looks at you"

"Yeah, but"

"But nothing," he said, "I thought you were growing, changing, but what you just said blames it all on the ardeur You didn&039;t do any of it Not your fault If you fuck everything that moves while under the sway of the ardeur, you&039;re still blaue with him, but couldn&039;t think how to do it I finally said, "I sort of agree hat you said, what of it?"

"God, Anita, it&039;s not about bla must have shown on rowl, and part exasperation I had to look away froht that it was a sin"

"They also taught you that Santa Claus was real, and you don&039;t believe that anymore, do you?"

I crossed my arms across my body, which lost some of its intended sullenness, because I was naked, and it&039;s never easy to be sullen when you&039;re nude "What&039;s that supposed to mean?"

He went down on his knees by the bed "It means, look at him"

I looked stubbornly at Jason, and not at Nathaniel

"Turn around and look at him, or I&039;ll turn you around"

"You&039;ll try," I said

"Fine, you want to wrestle, we can wrestle, but wouldn&039;t it be less e, and less childish, if you just turned around?"

I took a deep breath, let it out slow, and turned around

Nathaniel was lying there on his stomach, propped up on his elbows His face hat you noticed first Those a lavender eyes with the re theer, as if they needed any help to be a His eyes held such patience, a calht I didn&039;t like anyone looking at ht ht That I couldn&039;t save everyone That I couldn&039;t fix anything His lips held a slight smile There was no anxiety in him No fear that I&039;d run He looked atinto the face of God Secure in his faith, safe in his knowledge, trusting in a way that I had lost so long ago How could he look at me like that? Didn&039;t he know better? He&039;d lived with me for four months Didn&039;t he know by now that I was screwed six ways to Sunday, and he shouldn&039;t depend on me?

He ducked his head, alaze across the sweep of his shoulder, down the curve of his back I&039;d only allowed myself to touch him below the waist once When the ardeur was very new I&039;d covered his back and buttocks with bites, and he&039;d loved it, and I had fed, and I&039;d never let ain, until the last two days That first ti, and I hadn&039;t taken time to really see him, really enjoy hi at hi of him like that He deserved better

I&039;d made him put clothes on for months, at least shorts, even in bed But he was entirely too coliht, at the club, I hadn&039;t really let myself look at hier on his body, I&039;d have lingered on the part that seemed to fascinate me most, and, no, it wasn&039;t what you think His back had a slight sway to it, a curve that spilled to a lovely ass, but at the farthest line of his back, before it became not his back, were diht word for them, but I had no other word to use I stared at hilance and look hurriedly away I let myself see not that he was nude, but see his body

I reached out to hi that I&039;d wanted to do for months I traced my hand down the curve of his back and came to rest just there, just at the end of his back, before the swell of his ass

He shivered just a little under the touch of ainst his skin Let the weight of my hand rest between those two dimples so low on his body It was as if when the clay had been wet, God had placed his thumbs just above the swell of Nathaniel&039;s rump, as an extra sweetness, like the idea that a diel before the baby is born, so those dirace

I kissed, ever so gently, each of those smooth hollows, like tiny shallow cups in his skin Each mark was the size of my lips, as if they were meant for me to kiss them I laid my head in the curve of his back, rested htly up tilted with the swell of his body, leading s and feet, but for the moment I was content where I was

I used his body as my pillow, and just as my mouth fit to those kissable dimples, so my head fit neatly in the curve of his body, as if I were meant to rest there Nathaniel&039;s breath went out in a long sigh, and his body seemed to settle into the bed, as if some tension that I hadn&039;t even seen had run out of him and left him able to rest

I trailed my hand across the curve of his ass, and hethe line of his thigh It wasn&039;t that his legs were off-limits in the way that other areas had been, but I realized that I&039;d divided his body along a line at his waist, like some boundary in a war Above the line was us, below the line was forbidden His thigh was lush and sht ers to trace circles on his derriere Those small movements drew small, quick, sounds from him, almost sounds of protest

I asked, and my voice was as lazy and soft aspain noises, does it hurt?"

"No," he said, and his voice showed a strain that his body didn&039;t even hint at "It&039;s just that I&039;ve wanted you to touchon ood"

I letthe crack of his ass, so that if there had been any little hairs I could have played with them, but he was ss were as sers down the line of his ass again, tracing the separation between the cheeks, until I found that first line of warm flesh that was neither ass nor more, but a line of soft, silken skin

I put a finger on either side of that skin, the softest of pinches, and slid ers up and down Nathaniel writhed under the touch His hands struggling against the sheets as if he wasn&039;t sure what to do with them

I raised my head from his back and kissed my way up his cheeks until I could lay my head one side of hiain, and this ti, until hed and struggled against the bed again, like he had when I touched much more traditionally intimate places There are so many more erotic areas on the body than the small list that most people make I raised up from the pillow of his body, so that I could pay htly across that apparently sensitive skin He writhed forout in soh I sat up so I could run hed, "Oh, God" I touched the front of his feet, very lightly, and he kicked his feet, as if it were almost too much Not everyone&039;s feet are that sensitive for foreplay, but when soazed up the line of his body, while he lay gasping against the sheets I&039;d barely started Sothe round bone, tracing the skin with ue, in thick, wet, circles

He rabbed his foot with both ainst azed down atin his eyes that ild, and tender, and amazed

I bit down on that shallow flesh, not hard, just a graze of teeth, but it rolled his eyes into his head and folded his shoulders onto the bed, as if he&039;d swooned

I moved back up the bed, so that I could lay my head, not on one cheek, but across that part of his body, so that it was indeedunder the side of my face made me close my eyes, and have to relearn how to breathe for a moment I spilled my hand down the line of his body, until I found that silken skin again But this ti else I found what I wanted, and the skin was so soft, softer than anything else I&039;d touched on his body His testicles were trapped underneath his body, thick, and round, and delicate Only part of them were trapped where I could touch theht and the excitement had made them swell, so that the skin wasn&039;t as loose as it would have been otherwise I&039;d wanted to play with all that fragile loose skin, but it was already pressed tight around hiht be more pain than pleasure No matter what Nathaniel liked in that area, I wasn&039;t ready for it

I slipped s and pushed them farther apart, so that I lay between theh, but stopped before I could decide whether I was going to kiss him, lick him, or bite him I stopped because I could see Jason over the slope of Nathaniel&039;s thigh

Truth was, I&039;d forgotten he was there Was that a bad thing to say, or a good thing? Did itinto the pit of whoredo over Nathaniel&039;s body into those pale, blue eyes It hat I saw in the, but logical But that wasn&039;t what I saw Jason watched us with so in his face that was close to sorrow, and his eyes held a longing, a sense of loss I didn&039;t knohat to do with that look, so I stopped, and raised my face up from Nathaniel&039;s body

Jason realized I saw him, and he ducked his head When he looked back, he had his face under control He almost pulled the joke off, when he said, "Don&039;t stop onthe show" His voice was fine, but his eyes, the lightness never quite reached his eyes

"Liar," I said

He gave ht you were too busy to notice me I should know that without the ardeur you pay better attention"

"What&039;s wrong?" Nathaniel asked

"I&039;m not sure," I said

"Don&039;t worry," Jason said, "I&039; for you, Anita, or Nathaniel for thatfor someone to take that much time and attention with me"

I frowned at hiood, but I&039;d give al to have someone touch me the way you touch Nathaniel We&039;ll probably have sex later, and it will be great, but you won&039;t look at hed "I think I re this conversation before You want to be consuoal in life is never to be consumed at all"

"Ironic, isn&039;t it," he said, "I want just once for someone to look at me the way you look at Nathaniel, and you&039;ve been scared to death of it You keep saying that the ardeur is a curse, but if the ardeur had never co, you wouldn&039;t have Nathaniel, or Micah I&039; with Asher and Jean-Claude"

I laid my arms across Nathaniel&039;s cheeks and rested my face on my arms and looked at Jason I looked at hi "Maybe, about Asher, I h lines, onea deal"

"Exactly," Jason said

"So the ardeur is what, a blessing?"

"Look at what you&039;re propped up on, and tell me it isn&039;t? I heard you earlier, Anita If the ardeur hadn&039;t come to you, you&039;d still be stuck where you had been You&039;d still be fighting what you want, and what you think you&039;re supposed to want"

I looked at hiainst Nathaniel&039;s body Nathaniel had propped hi at Jason We both see? It didn&039;t feel wrong

I wanted to argue, but I couldn&039;t, well, I could, but I would have sounded silly If the ardeur hadn&039;t coht, I&039;d still be with Richard, but as soon as I thought, I knew better Richard had used the ardeur as another excuse to run from me, but he hadn&039;t liked any of my life He hadn&039;t liked the police work, the zo, ely, the thing he&039;d liked less was that I see to accept him and his beast I&039;d seen too far into his head in that one moment in my own bathroom Damian had said it best; Richard loved his sha else

So, where would I be without the ardeur? No Micah, no Nathaniel, no Asher My life still nothing but s Hell, without the ardeur would I have stayed with Jean-Claude, or would I have found another reason to run fro I&039;d do

I looked at Jason and settled hed, and laid his head down on the bed

"So what, the ardeur is the universe&039;s way of getting o?"

"Maybe," he said, then grinned, "I can&039;t speak for whole universe All I know is that I envy you, and I don&039;t envy many people"

I frowned

"Are you jealous?" Nathaniel asked

Jason looked surprised, either at the question, or at who had asked it He finally shook his head "Not jealous of you or Anita, like in love with you jealous, no Jealous of what you have together, hell yes Jealous of not having that ain" He srinned, and it reached his eyes this time "Besides, I&039;m not Anita&039;s type for a relationship"

"What&039;s that supposed to h, or doh I&039; to take on all the responsibilities that Micah seems to embrace so easily You&039;ve found another person who thrives on his job and taking care of other people&039;s crises Not my idea of fun" He spread his hands wide "You and Jean-Claude, well, that&039;s so else I know I can&039;t compete with it"

"It&039;s not a competition," Nathaniel said

"You don&039;t see it that way," Jason said, "but I&039;h, to see it that way"

"If any one of them saw it as a competition, it wouldn&039;t work," I said

"I know," Jason said He shook his head "I&039;ain, and this ti there until I&039;uys have fun Sorry, if I flattened the mood"

"My mood&039;s fine," I said

"Mine, too," Nathaniel said

Jason stared at us both "No ardeur, and I&039;ve made you talk and think too hard, and you&039;re still okay with this?"

"Yes," I said

"Why?"

"Because a very wise and dear friend toldto fuck this up, and I don&039;t want to do that"

He smiled and his face softened "If you do ever pick one of theet dibs on being bestto come up," I said, "but if it does, you&039;d be our first pick"

"You didn&039;t ask Nathaniel," he said

"She didn&039;t have to," Nathaniel said

Jason walked toward the bathroo his head "Too dominant by half"

I called after him "You know I have to be the better man in any relationship, Jason" I meant it to be a joke

He turned at the bathroom door, and said, "Fuck, Anita, you are the better ht equipe what you are" He closed the door behind him, firmly, until it clicked

We were left alone in the bedroom Nathaniel raised up and looked down at ht, Anita Jason&039;s right, the way you touched me, I know if not this time, then next The sooner you feed the ardeur the better you&039;ll feel"

I smiled at him, then unfolded my ars as I could get He wasn&039;t as excited now, and the skin was loose I licked thatsigh I drew the loose skin into ently out and away fro, and when it was tight and I could lick the balls inside that skin, I told hi asked twice

I drew his balls into my mouth, one at a time, carefully, so carefully I rolled theue and lips, until they et and slick I caught glimpses of the rest of him, just in front, but not all, and not well I&039;d only seen him nude from the front three times Once when I first met him, once when I made the triumvirate between him and Damian, and earlier in my office

"Roll over," I said, and he spilled hiainst his stoainst his own body "I don&039;t re the first time I saw you nude"

"I was in a hospital Someone had alazed down at him, and said, "I can see that" I reached for hiainst the war my patience Another time I&039;d be slower, but norapped my hand around him, let the thick round hardness of hi a little off the bed I slid one hand to his balls and ed them, while I stroked the thick velvet warmth of him "So soft, and so hard, all at the same time"