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Halfway through, when I’ him about how my father choked me until I passed out, I started to cry

He’d done it because I’d lost the reiven up And I was never supposed to give up I didn’t even fight hi and I stared at hiht red and he was screa at me And I just stood there as he tackled me and wrapped his ar up at hi, Please just kill me so it’ll be over And when I woke up frohtly disappointed

"So what’s next?" I ask, after Doug pays the bill, trying to wipe my eyes off on my sleeves as discreetly as possible

He puts his wallet back into his jacket and slides the empty plates aside "That’s really up to you"

I pile my fork and spoon onto the stack of plates, and then I stare at the healing crescent-shaped wounds on my arms with blood dried over them "This therapist in Lara as you?" I don’t like the idea of opening up to anyone else

"Hesmiles "But Kayden, you can call me whenever you want And be sure to co to the edge of the booth "All right"

Doug tosses a few ones down on the table "Kayden, I feel like I have to say one … about your father"

I wince Over the last several hours I’d said a lot of terrible thing about s of guilt and betrayal lie within one "What?"

He takes his tiainst hiht… there’s a lot you can do to him"

I shake es pressed against me"

"You don’t have to do it now," he assures s… Maybe it’s so we can talk about next week If you feel up to it But that’s the key here I don’t want to push you until you’re ready"

Press charges againsthirain of fear that’s ever been inside me rises "Okay, we can talk about it next week"

He nods and then gets up fro upover ets into his car and drives away I stand beneath the shelter of the carport watching the sunrise and the sky shift to a bright pinkish orange It’s blinding to look at but I can’t see at it until I see spots and then slideI’ll skip the cold, nue for a car ride I turn on my phone and instantly feel like an ass Callie has called and texted ht and she’s probably worried sick

My voice so I dial into it and holdshe’ll say it’s over and realizing that I don’t want it to be over, a feeling that amplifies at the first sound of her voice

Kayden…

So Seth thought it would be a good idea fordown and please, pretty please, keep in mind that I wrote this before the beach, but I’m sure I still feel the same way

She takes a deep breath and it sounds like she’s about to cry

Before I ht ly on the inside and outside… so broken… so ashauess Sometimes the pain was so bad that I couldn’t take it, and it’s part of the reason why I’d make myself throw up It’s part of the reason why I chopped y clothes for so long Why walking through a crowd sendstouched It was basically the reason for everything that I did And it was always there all the time… Sometimes I just wanted a break from it, but every time I looked forward to see if a break was possible, it never seeht I’d be that way forever, which sometimes made me wish that forever would be a really short time

She takes another deep breath and her voice falters

I actually thought about ot further than the thoughts I’ly and heaviness and panic attacks, it orth the suffering because I got you… You savedand torture You saved me from myself, from my past, from the painful, lonely future I’d set up forwould be okay But then I found you on the floor… that night… and I realized howand how much you needed to be saved too Not just from the injuries but froet it I really do And I’ll do anything to help you You just have to let me help And I need you to let me help you because I need you I can’t… I can’t…

She starts to cry and itin and out of the café and I’ like a fucking baby

But it doesn’t matter The tears, the pain, the past, none of it s that exist inside me like the scars onh, but it doesn’t mean I have to hold on to the pain

Scars fade and becoh they do alter how e hoork and function

Her tears quiet and she sniffles before speaking again

I can’t do this without you I… I-I love you, Kayden And I don’t expect you to say it back I don’t expect anything I just wanted you to know because you deserve to know and you deserve to be loved

The line goes quiet I hear her breathing for a s up Her words echo in my head It’s like she knows Knows that no one’s ever said that to me before, except for Daisy and that wasn’t the same It was fake and easy to say back to her because it was just words to both of us Callie h the sound of her tears

I don’t knohat to do My heart is thu in their cars and eating their breakfast inside the diner I knohat I want to do I want to turn it off,atmy phone into ht as the wind kicks up Snow flurries are falling on the sidewalk and road, but I run against the And that’s okay