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Twenty-Three

Ian Randall was in no hurry to get home For six months at sea, he'd counted every second he ay from Cecilia He'd crossed off each day on the calendar until they could be together again, eagerly anticipating their reunion Being apart froony But now that he was home, he could hardly stand to be around her because it was an even deeper agony to have her there and not hway exit that would take him home, Ian slowed the vehicle to a near-crawl He dreaded ould happen once he walked into the duplex The tension between theun the instant she announced she wanted another baby, and it seemed to increase day by day

Cecilia tried to pretend everything was as it should be, tried to ignore his bad ht it was the same: she arrived ho dinner While he buried his face in the newspaper, she talked about her day in the office She was e firm in Cedar Cove and liked her job, as much as Ian liked his Above all, they did love each other; there was no question of that They should be happy

Nights were the worst He o to bed at the same time as his wife He saw the hurt in her eyes, but not once did she confront hiht the situation out into the open, it ht have helped She wanted a baby and the fact was, he didn't Cecilia had let hi to use birth control, it was up to hiht when she'd seduced hierous

She et As soon as she was in his aretting her pregnant was just too high

There'd been a few nights when he'd given in--and been furious with hi she was asleep She wasn't, and he'd surrendered every time without even token resistance Before he kne he'd allowed it to happen, they'd made love, and on at least two of those occasions, it ithout protection He tried to sleep on the sofa, but Cecilia wouldn't let hi she'd sleep there with him

The only way to be safe was to avoid her Unfortunately, his self-imposed abstinence didn't alork Ian had never viewed himself as an undisciplined man; the navy had drilled self-discipline into him from the minute he set foot in boot camp But when it came to his wife, he had little resistance

Those tiht if she hadn't been already

Ian couldn't bear the thought of another pregnancy going wrong Losing Allison had nearly destroyed the would come in time; he was sure of it If only Cecilia wouldn't press the issue

As he approached the stop sign off the freeway, Ian took a left instead of a right, going in the opposite direction fro in him The second he walked in the door, it would be the saain--the same desire, the same frustration He could feel it

By sheer force of will, he hadn't touched Cecilia in three nights It had been torture, and Ian just kneouldn't be able to resist her tonight

When he discovered that he was driving down the road to the cehter was buried, Ian slowed and turned in His baby girl had died after living only a few days She'd been born with a defective heart and there was nothing the doctors could do As a submariner he'd been under the polar ice cap at the time and unable to be with Cecilia In fact, he hadn't even known about his daughter's birth until he learned of her death Upon his return, he'd requested reassignranted

Parking the car, Ian clirave, where he stood on the grass staring down at the small , really, that so little inforazed down at the marker for several hter whenever he visited her grave He'd never even seen her, never had a chance to hold her or kiss her and he felt cheated to have been denied this one small consolation The only photo of Allison had been taken in the hospital shortly after her birth She'd been so tiny Her life, so short and traule

"I see your le pink rose, a sure sign that Cecilia had visited recently

He didn't kno often his wife came to the cemetery, but he suspected it was every three or four days "Did she tell you she wants another baby?"

Ian took a deep breath "I don't think it's a good idea" He s is, I wasn't ready when your nant with you You took et pregnant that easily" He hadn't been unhappy at the news, however; he'd been excited because it'd given hiood excuse to do what he wanted to do anyway--ot pregnant, Cecilia wasn't that keen on e She had all kinds of stipulations Apparently her nant with her when she e had been a disaster fro her ree The prenuptial had saved hie Lockhart had denied the divorce based prireement

"Yourback to sea" Although he hadn't told Cecilia, once orders cah Under current circumstances, the navy wasn't likely to allow hi shore duty That was the bad news as well as the good He didn't want to leave Cecilia again, especially so soon, but he knew that if he was in port nant for sure

"Look after your mother while I'm aill you, sweetheart?" he asked "Let her kno much I love her"

He waited a moment, nearly overwhelmed by sadness What astonished hiirl This was a child he'd never had the privilege of kissing good-night or cradling in his arms, and yet she was as much a part of him as his own heart

Ten minutes later, Ian left the cemetery and drove home He half-expected Cecilia to comment that he was later than usual or ask where he'd been She didn't She was busy in the kitchen and barely looked up when he walked in the door

"Did you have a good day?" she asked

After glancing at thenewspaper and settled into his favorite chair "All right, I guess"

He opened the front section of the paper to block her froht He found it incredibly sexy to watch his wife, walking barefoot in the kitchen in shorts and a cropped T-shirt She dressed like that on purpose; Ian was convinced of it The ed out of her business clothes and into so seductive Half the time he couldn't keep his eyes off her

"I had an all-right day, too," she said conversationally as she carried a large bowl to the table "I made us a taco salad"

He nodded "Thanks"

"Are you hungry?"

"Sort of" His appetite hadn't been good since he'd returned hon of the tension he'd been under lately

"Dinner's ready," Cecilia said, sitting down at the table

With little enthusiashts he didn't contribute much to the conversation; Cecilia did practically all the talking Every now and then, he'd ask her so because the silences troubled hi, however, she didn't see, either He was relieved when she finished dinner and brought her plate to the sink Apparently her appetite wasn't good, either

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked

"I'm fine"