Page 27 (1/2)
I sat on a chair across from her and put one She had tossed the after his phone call It seeh, that I could still feel their presence in the room
I said, "You won't leave town"
"No"
"You ht be safer out of the country"
"Maybe I don't want to go"
"If he can get into the building-"
"I told you, I spoke to the the service entrance bolted from inside It's to be opened only when one of the porters or doormen is present, and it'll be refastened after each use"
That was fine, if they stuck to it But you couldn't count on it, and there were just too , even a well-staffed one like hers
She said, "What about you, Matt?"
"What aboutto do?"
"I don't know," I said "I ca a fit in Durkin's office He as much as accused me of- well, I told you all that"
"Yes"
"I went there intending to accoainst Motley The son of a bitch worked ht That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? If you're a private citizen? Soo to the police and report it"
"That's what they taught us in tenth-grade civics"
"They toldThey didn't tell me how pointless it would turn out to be"
I went to the bathrooain, andmust have shown in my face, because she asked as the ," I said "The other thing I wanted from Durkin was for him to help me fill out an application for a pistol perave ed "It probably wouldn't have done any good They wouldn't issue un in my top dresser drawer and hope the bastard comes over for tea"
"You're afraid, aren't you?"
"I suppose so I don't feel it but it has to be there The fear"
"Uh-huh"
"I fear for other people's safety You, Anita, Jan It stands to reason that I' killed myself, but I' to read, the private thoughts of a Ro back to is that death is nothing to be afraid of The point he makes is that since it's inevitable sooner or later, and since you're just as dead no matter how old you are when you die, then it doesn't reallyyou live"
"What does matter?"
"How you live How you face up to life- and to death, as far as that goes That's what I'm really afraid of"
"What?"
"That I'll screw up That I'll do what I shouldn't, or fail to do what I should That one way or another I'll turn out to be a day late and a dollar short and not quite good enough"
The sun was dohen I left her apart to walk back toheavily before I'd covered two blocks I walked over to the curb and held up a hand for a cab
I hadn't eaten anything all day aside from a hard roll for breakfast and a slice of pizza for lunch I walked into a deli to pick up soain before it was my turn to order I didn't have any appetite and the sot there just in tih in e it, but evidently I did
The process was painful, involving ht before When I was done heaving a wave of dizziness tookto the doorja with the deliberatethe deck of a stor like a beached whale, and I wasn't there for er back into the bathroo and watched the bowl fill up with red
Afraid he'd killan hour or so later It was Jan Keane
"Hello," she said "If I re from"
"Just so it's out of town"
"It's that, all right I alo"
"Oh?"
"It all seemed overly dramatic, can you understand that? When I drank I was always addicted to that kind of high drarab the next plane to San Diego That's not where I am, by the way"
"Good"
"I was in the cab, heading for the airport, and the whole thing seemed bizarre and out of proportion I almost told the driver to turn the cab around"
"But you didn't"
"No"
"Good"