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It also had a badge

The badge said: "My naah, Spawn of the Pit and Loathly Guardian of the Dread Portal: How May I Help You?"

It was not very happy about this

"Yes?" it rasped

Rinceas still reading the badge

"How ah, who bore a certain reseround some of its teeth "`Hi there`," it intoned, in the manner of one who has had the script patiently explained to hilefloggah, Spawn of the Pit, and I am your host for today May I be the first to welco on a moment," said Rincewind "`-chosen for your convenience -- `," Urglefloggah ruht here," said Rincewind "`- full regard for the wishes of YOU, the consumer -`," the demon continued stoically "Excuse me," said Rincewind "`- as pleasurable as possible`," said Urglefloggah It h of relief,

fro for the first time "Yes? What?" it said "Where are we?" said Rincewind Various mouths beamed "Quail, mortals!"

"What? We're in a bird?" "Grovel and cower, mortals!" the demon corrected itself, "for you are condeave a little whimper

"There will be a brief period of corrective therapy," it corrected itself again, spitting out each word, "which we hope to ard to all the rights of YOU, the customer"

It eyed Rinceith several eyes "Dreadful, isn't it?" it said, in a more normal voice "Don't blays up the whatsit, toot sweet"

"This is hell, isn't it," said Eric "I've seen pictures"

"You're right there," said the demon mournfully It sat down, or at least folded itself in some complicated way "Personal service, that's what it used to be People used to feel that ere taking an interest, that they weren't just numbers but, well, victims We had a tradition of service Fat lot he cares But what aot plenty of your oith being dead and being here You're not musicians, are you?"

"Actually we're not even dea - " Rincewind began The dean to plod ponderously down the dank corridor, beckoning them to follow

"You'd really hate it here if you was musicians Hate it , well, he calls it ood tune,with, but this isn't it, I mean, I heard where we're supposed to all the best tunes, so why've we got all this stuff that sounds like someone turned on the piano and then walked away and left it?"

"In point of fact -"

"And then there's the potted plants Don't get reen around the place Only some of the lads says these plants aren't real but what I say is, they ht reen leather and sives the place a friendly and open aspect Friendly and open aspect! I've seen keen gardeners break down and cry I' we did to them afterwards seem like an improvement"

"Dead is not e -" said Rincewind, trying to has endless monotone, but he was too late

"The coffee rant you We only used to drown people in lakes of cat's pee, wee didn't make them buy it by the cup"

"We're not dead!" Eric shouted

Urglefloggah ca halt

"Of course you're dead," it said "Else you wouldn't be here They wouldn't last fivea choice of fangs "Hur hur," it added "If I was to catch any live people down here -" Not for nothing had Rincewind survived for years in the paranoid complexities of Unseen University He felt almost at home His reflexes operated with incredible precision

"You lefloggah's expression changed, if only because it was hard to knohat part of it was expression, but it definitely projected a familiar air of sudden and resentful uncertainty "Told what?" it said Rincewind looked at Eric "You'd think they'd tell people, wouldn't you?" "Tell the his ankle "That'sangry concern

"They go ahead and ements, and do they consult the very people who form the backbone -" "- exoskeleton -" corrected the deanisation?" Rincewind finished smoothly He waited for what he kneould have to coah "Too busy sticking up notices, they are" "I think that's pretty disgusting," said Rincewind "D'you know, said Urglefloggah, "they wouldn't let me on the Club 18,000 - 30,000 holiday? Said I was too old Said I would spoil the fun" "What's the netherworld co to?" said Rincewind sympathetically "They never co a bit "They never tell ate, most important I don't think!"

"Look," said Rincewind "You wouldn't like'em in -" "Perhaps if we spoke to someone?" said Rincewind The demon sniffed, from several noses at once "Would you?" it said "Be happy to," said Rincewind Urglefloggah brightened a little, but not too much, just in case "Can't do any harm, can it?" it said Rincewind steeled hi on what he hoped fervently was its back "Don't you worry about it," he said "That's very kind of you"

Rincewind looked across the shuddering heap at Eric

"We'd better go," he said "So we're not late for our appointrinned "Yeah, right, appointe Eric started to giggle hysterically "This is where we run, right?" he said "This is where alk," said Rincewind "Just walk The i is to get the tiht" He looked at Eric