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Ellie? I hurt for her I wanted to take away her fear I wanted her to be okay

But I didn’t do any of that

Instead I shoved her under ht I’ym time before then" I nodded at them robotically and rabbed my arm, his eyes full of apprehension and fear And disbelief at my attitude He needed ently and gave him a brittle smile "I’ll see you both later"

And then I walked out, leaving theyh Castle before it closed The walk up the Royal Mile to Castlehill was brisk and frosty, the cold biting into ainst the winter air Once I crossed the drawbridge, I paid for my ticket, and then strolled under the stone arch and took the pebbled ay that swept upwards on the right I headed on up the ht to the castle walls There I stopped, standing by Mons Meg, one of the world’s oldest cannons, and together we stared out over the city Even in the slightlyfrom here I paid the not so inexpensive entry fee to the castle just for this view And I guess for the majesty of it all It here I believed I could find a little peace, and I did this whenever I panicked about never, ever finding the long-lasting peace I sought Today I needed this

Blazing through the last fewthere weren’t consequences to loving people, had gotten e into the ‘new ain

That was selfish

I knew that

Ellie was the one suffering here, not me

But that wasn’t true either

Ellie Caroofy, funny, big-hearted… andmy own I felt protective of her, I hurt when she hurt, I thought about her happiness, and what I could to do to help her get whatever would make her happy Not even my relationship with Rhian had been as close

I was almost as close with Ellie as I had been with Dru

And noas going to lose Ellie as well

I sunk down to the ice-cold stone ground beside the cannon and wrapped my arms around my body in an effort to choke out the pain It occurred to me that if I rewrote it all in my head, then maybe I wouldn’t feel this way Maybe, Ellie and I weren’t that close Maybe we never had been If that were true, then losing her would be okay

I ju Stomach leaden with dread, I pulled it out and exhaled in relief when I saas Rhian calling

"Hey," I answered hoarsely

"Yo, bitch," Rhian called down the line, sounding surprisingly chipper "How’s it hanging? I’ into Edinburgh in three days and then heading through to Falkirk to stay with histo nip into see you before we get the train, so I need your address, hon"

Awful tis are kind of weird at the apartment at the moment Can I meet you for coffee instead?"

"Jesus, Joss, you sound like hell Is everything okay?"

I don’t want to talk about it over the phone "I’ll explain when I see you Coffee?"

"Yeah, okay," she still sounded worried, "The coffee shop in the bookstore on Princes Street Three o’ Clock, Monday"

"See you then" I hung up,upwards into the white clouds with their pale bellies and gru fluff Their bellies weren’t dark or heavy

Without the weight, there was no rain

Jo grabbed ed me all the way back into the staff rooether "You’re acting really weird"

I shrugged, enjoying the blanket of numbness I’d found and promptly wrapped around myself "I’m just tired"

"No" Jo took a step forward, her face etched with concern "There’s so on here with you, Joss Look, I knoe’re not really close, but you’ve always been there for o on and on about my problems, so if you need to talk to me, I’m here"