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Stuart rubs his belly and nods at me, "You want to drive?"

I take the keys and walk around the back of the truck I see h the smallat the front I see such sadness on his face Sadness ill both wear until the day we die Sadness ill never discuss

Back at Jane’s building, I sit in the monitor room and watch Sarah cry and shake She pleads with Jane to put her back into the cell

Jane leaves the roo drained and confused She looks atbetter?"

I sigh, "She was better She is better She hasn’t washed her hands or anything else in hours How did she eat her dinner?"

Jane nods, "No, you’re right She’s just so asha to end her life"

On the e on her ar still She closes her eyes and lays there, like she is dead It ry to see her so pathetic and detached Her self-pity is too much I storm down the hall and into the room I scoop her off the bed and carry her to the doorway

"You cales intoback"

I don’t have words for that I climb the stairs to the roof and step out into the icy-cold rain that’s co down on the city It had been a horrid drive back to the building in it

We are outside a second and she screales but I hold her there, in the cold rain and speak softly, "You feel that, don’t you?"

"Eli, leta simple skirt and tee shirt I’m in my dress pants and dress shirt

"Can you feel how cold and painful that is?"

We both are chattering within seconds She looks up at o"

I shake my head, "I need you to feel this Can you feel this cold rain, Sarah?"

She wipes her face and shouts at me, "YES! JESUS, I FEEL IT! NOW LET’S GO BACK IN!"

"No I want you to feel it This pain ht now, this is your body alive and well and reacting noret We don’t get to feel sorry for ourselves or the pity eats us up Can you feel how alive this coldto get out of this?"

She struggles and I put her down She stands barefoot in the wet slush and nods

I look down on her soaked face, "That is survival of the fittest Our bodies and s to tell us that we need to do them to survive"

She shudders and hops from foot to foot I look down ather soaked chest intowe did, was to survive Thato to a warivesas the icy-cold rain poured down on ers around my jaw and stands on her tiptoes on my shoes Her face is nearly at ust of wind hits and pelts the freezing rain at us She gasps and I take ainst hers She moans into my mouth but the wind carries it away The sound of the rain and wind is ainst each other She hops up into s aroundher back against the wall My ragged breaths become my words, "We can’t You need this next week to try and find a place for everything you’re thinking and feeling I’ll see you after"

Her eyes widen but I traceher lips, "I will always co time to find you this time, but I did it I won’t ever leave, never Don’t hurt yourself, it hurts me when you do, and Emalyn wouldn’t want that for you orevery second We deserve that, Sarah" I kiss the side of her face and turn away fro in me, "Use this ti She kno to debrief you Use her knowledge"

I don’t wave or kiss her goodbye, or do any of the things I want to do I drive to the gy shit out of me

Chapter Sixteen

January 7th

"I need to see you, Eli I need to discuss a few things with you"

I look at the stack of things on ht over" I don’t even fight her on it I knohy, I know Sarah is at her office for her last treatment before she’s freed into the world The world where she le her about like a puppet She is no longer mine to control, mine to stalk, or mine to watch She is free and I don’t knoin her heart when mine is still not found

I race down the stairs to the foyer, waving at the annoying guy at the desk as I hurry across to the door I can’t get to h What if they’ve left already and I have no reason to see her?

I dial Stuart as I start the car but he doesn’t answer I take deep breaths and redial, cutting so a true Boston fuck you