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He’s laughing

She pushes his chest

He shakes his head, gripping my beer still

They don’t see me

I slip outside I am about to run, but I see the car I race across the street I need the car I need Stuart

My lungs are getting thick The air isn’t co the way I need it to His face is stoic as he opens the door, barely registering me He’s so used to it all

I’m breathless when I leap into the seat The s-filling breaths I hold ets in and squirts the cold alcohol on me

"Where is Michelle?"

"Inside"

He sighs, "Okay Home or drive?"

I don’t look at him I can’t I’m so ashamed "Drive" My voice is weak and hollow He doesn’t say anything He drives

I open my eyes when I start to feel nauseous My heartbeat is crazed still The vibration of o?’ from Shell

’Home’

’K Tell Stuart I said hi’

’Tell Sebastian I said bye’

’K Sorry E sorry for myself, ’No I am’

I can’t help but wonder if there was ever love and peace inside of me? Was I always so filled with fear and pain? Was there ever a time when someone held me in their arne and touching?

I look out theat the dark city streets and see nothing but places to hide

When Stuart drops

"Look at it this way You left the house, you went to a bar, you didn’t run out after a second You were in there for almost an hour"

I ss, "It’s cool Tell Michelle to text ht" I turn and cliht, not the voice in my head that calls ht away Ithis lips? The lips I’ve caughtif they feel the way they look At least if they get together I can hear the details of what he looks like naked or feels like kissing I can live through her, like always

I’ in the door She shakes her head, "Sorry Did I wake you up?"

I watch her She pulls her phone out and sends a e

"No Did you have fun?" I ask My tone is shitty I know it is I’ht That Sebastian guy is strung out on you though Oh et your nuod"

A smile forces its way across my lips, "Really? He didn’t hit on you?"

"Uhhh, no Dude Ho’s before bro’s You saw hiuy fro hot No one even spoke to rin on her lips

Sebastian likes ets it? I alainst it Better to live in a dream world than no world I roll over and fall asleep I’yy in I saunter over to the wipes and the up to a machine and pull my hair up into a ponytail I clean and start at a walk, looking around, wondering if he’s co Suddenly he bounds in and hops on the rin like a fool "Good Sorry I bailed last night"

He shakes his head, "No I get it"

I sigh He looks yu hiet breakfast after this?"

I nod, "Sure Can we get pancakes? I love pancakes"