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Chapter One

The front steps of any building you’ve never been in before, always feel intier than they really are The entrance and steps to Speare Hall had felt full of inspiration and excite and exciting

Orientation cured that feeling

The cinderblock cell-like room was not what I expected I expected romance and creativity and don Boston I never expected blazing heat, lack of air conditioning, hueneral sense of sterility I looked around that first day for the cauards I assu Brother atching me

Now, et back that initial inspiration and excitement as I cross the threshold to start the year I am stuck in the sterility and 1984

The school is alive with people and energy, but the building is strange and smells like prison I know about the industrial smell of prison, all too well

My exciteone Instead, I’ not to make eye contact I don’t wantthere, with thelance at race arrives I e’d ether But we did not and so I ah the front door of our roorey dank roo with its plastic cover and the wooden desk in the corner is old and industrial looking Everything about the small room is functional and wipe-able

I do like that, it feels like home

The floor is shiny like a hospital and the walls are white and stark They close in aroundthe entire way home The entire two thousand miles home

Instead, I close my eyes and let Dr Bradley’s words fill my head ’Deep breaths in and out Eyes closed Body numb You’re at the beach and the sand is soft The waves are small and make little noise Slowly coht of the roorateful for the safety and the air and the roof over your head’

I open ht of theblessand rown fond of Dr Bradley’s affirmations

I look around and decide to focus on the roos, whichhis, but I don’t have any other way of buying things Besides, he wants us in as much contact as possible It’s his rule Well, one of theh

’Can I go to the store?’

’Why do you insist on asking? Of course you o to the store I told you about this already What do you need?’

’Bedding and stuff Reht, but I told you to stop asking I gave you the account Spend it how you want The car will be there in 20’

’KK’ I don’tfirst I don’t like the fact he gives me money It won’t ever feel like it’s mine

’KK is a typo, not a send off Please speak like an adult’ He’s so snarky

I sigh, and look around the roo I just can’t I need everything there to be able to do it and I feel like I have nothing No control No peace The room isn’t clean, not like it should be

I don’t move I just stand there and take it all in I can’t sit on the bed or touch anything I never realized how bad it would be The new place syndrorab the wipes fro I carried up and I start

It’s a frenzy when it starts OCD isn’t just a sickness, it’s a way of life I should have gone to school to be in forensics, instead of wanting to be in journalishten a norh the door understands Her green eyes lift They’re not surprised at the state of me, at all

"E with sarcas out ofand look around I barely relistens far more than it did before

"You know his car is sitting at the curb His hottie, naughty driver sawdown"

It takes me a second to come back to the real world I put the used wipe in the bin and dump pumpkin-spice hand sanitizer in s down on the shiny mattress, which no doubt reeks of bleach

I frown at the plastic o to the store first I forgot I asked his, "K"

When we leave, I lock the door and walk away froht direction forbefore I’ve finished it It will plague me, but at least I’ve done it

His driver is playing with his phone alk up He raises an eyebrow at rabs it I don’t notice the way the people stare at thein a black Lincoln Town Car I do notice the way Shell beams and tosses her hair about

"Try not to be too obvious" I whisper, as Stuart gets into the front seat

"He’s just so hot" She leans in and whispers back Her lips sloss She always smells nice Sometimes her clothes smell like food her mom cooked That’s my favorite At least it e were in New Mexico Now she smells like me Lost smells of the many airports and taxi’s we’ve been in

Stuart watches her in the rearview I don’t blame him I doubted my hetero-ness until I realized I wasn’t attracted to her, but attracted to the smell and the feel of her Her clothes are always soft froarlicky Italian food Her green eyes sparkle in a way I love, in a sisterly sort of way