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Harry Keogh was hts lost in the clouds that drifted like puffs of cotton wool on the blue ocean of a surass standing straight up like a tiny mast, its white tip trapped in his teeth, he hadn’t said a word since they’d ulls cried where theyfor fish, and their sos carass on the dunes like a caress
A caress, too, Brenda’s hand where she stroked hier commanded the full attention of his flesh In a little while he ain, but if not it wouldn’ton sleep, with all of his strangeness sucked out of hie, yes, but that was all part of his fascination It was one of the reasons she loved him And sometimes she fancied that he loved her, too It was difficult to tell, with Harry Most things were difficult to tell with hi his ribs ’Anybody in?’
’Uave a feeble twitch She kneasn’t ignoring her, knew that he simply wasn’t here Not here at all - not all of him - but somewhere else, somewhere very different Now and then she would try to find out about that place, Harry’s secret place, but so far he’d kept htened her skirt, brushed sand from its pleats ’Harry, you should do yourself up There are people down on the beach If they walked this way they’d see’
’Uain
She did it for hi his ear, she asked: ’What are you thinking? Where are you, Harry?’
’You don’t want to know that,’ he said ’It’s not always a nice place I’m used to it, but you wouldn’t like it’
’I’d like it if you were there,’ she said
He turned his face towards her, squinted a little, frowned seriously He could look very serious, she thought, sometimes - in fact most of the time Now he shook his head ’No, you wouldn’t like it if I was there,’ he said ’You’d hate it’
’Not if I ith you’
’It’s not a place where you can be with someone,’ he told her, which was as close to the truth as he had ever co entirely alone’
She wanted to know more ’Harry, I - ’
’Anye’re here,’ he cut her off ’Nowhere else We’re here and we’ve justthat if she tried to probe deeper he would only retreat, she changed the subject ’You’ve ht hundred and eleven times’
’I used to do that,’ he said, presently
It stopped her dead in her tracks After a ht, she said: ’Do what?’
’Count things Anything Tiles on a toilet wall You knohile I was sitting there’
She sighed, exasperated ’I was talking aboutlove, Harry! Sometimes I think there isn’t an ounce of romance in you’
’There isn’t now,’ he agreed ’You just had it all!’ That was better He ay froht of it when Harry was vague and strange in that way of his: ’awith it, wrinkled her nose playfully, was glad for his huht hundred and eleven times’ she repeated, ’in just three years! That’s a lot Do you kno long we’ve been going out?’
’Since ere kids,’ he answered His eyes were on the sky again and she could see he was only half interested in what she was saying There was so on the periphery of his awareness Knowing him, she kneas there Maybe one day she’d knohat it was All she kneas that it ca its ti?’ she insisted She caught his chin in a delicate hand, turned his face towards hers
He stared at her blankly, let his eyes focus of their own accord ’How long? Four or five years, I suppose’
’Six,’ she said ’Since you were twelve and I was eleven At twelve you took me to the pictures and held o,’ he said,back to earth ’And you just accusedunromantic!’
’Oh?’ she said ’But I bet you can’t remember the filmIt was Psycho I don’t knohich of us was the rinned
’Then,’ she continued, ’when you were thirteen, we made a picnic in the field on Ellison’s Bank After we had eaten we fooled about a bit and you put your hand onunder my dress I shouted at you and you pretended it was an accident But the next week you did it again and I wouldn’t speak to you for a fortnight’
’I should be so unlucky now!’ Harry sighed ’Anyway, you soon enough caoing to school in Hartlepool and I didn’t see soone But the next suing tent on the beach at Cri Afterwards, in the tent, when you were supposed to be drying my back, you touched me’
’And you touched me,’ he reminded her
’And you wanted me to lie doith you’
’But you wouldn’t’
’Not until the next year Harry, I wasn’t even fifteen! That was terrible!’
’Oh, it wasn’t so bad,’ he grinned ’Not the way I remember it But do you remember that first time?’
’Of course I do’
’What ato pick a lock with a piece of wet blotting paper’
She had to sh,’ she said ’I alondered where you learned it all I suppose I really wondered if someone else had shown you how’
He had been s but now the smile fell from his face in a moment ’What do you mean by that?’ he said sharply
’Why, another girl, of course!’ She was startled by his abrupt change of mood ’What did you think I irl?’ he was frowning still But slowly his look turned first to a sour sh ’Another girl!’ he said again, laughing outright now ’What, when I was eleven?’
Relieved, Brenda laughed with him ’You’re funny,’ she said
’You know,’ he answered, ’it see: that I’m funny I’m not really, you know God, soh! It’s as if I don’t have tiet the feeling that if you don’t laugh soon you’ll screaet, I promise you’
She shook her head ’Sometimes I think I’ll never understand you And sohed ’It would be nice if you wanted me as much as I want you’
He stood up, drew her to her feet and kissed her on the forehead, his way of changing the subject ’Co the beach into Hartlepool You can catch a bus back to Harden from there’
’Walk into Hartlepool? That’ll take all day!’
’We’ll stop for a coffee on the beach at Crimdon,’ he said ’And we can have a swio toif you like - unless you’ve other plans?’
’No, I haven’t - you know I haven’t - but’
’But?’
Suddenly she was upset, a touch of anxiety ’Harry, what’s going to happen to us?’
’How do you mean?’
’Do you love me?’
’I think so’
’But don’t you know? I an to walk along the dunes, graduallyThere were people swi in the sea down there but not many; the beach was dirty with all the debris of the coal for a quarter of a century Black lorries trundled at the waterline like great aets of washed sea-coal like black gold A few miles south of here it was a little cleaner, but as far as Seaton Carew coal and slag deposits e was much less, but since the in to put things right again Still, it would take a long time for the beaches to return to their former beauty Perhaps they never would
’Yes,’ Harry finally answered, ’I think I do love you I mean, I know I do It’s just that I’ve a lot on h? See, I don’t knohat you want ht things to say’
She clung to his arled closer as they walked ’Oh, you don’t have to say anything It’s just that I’d hate it to end’
’Why should it end?’
’I don’t know, but I worry about it We don’t see anywhere My parents worry, too’
’Oh,’ he said, glue, you hed again ’I kno you feel about that: not yet, you keep saying And: we’re too young I agree with you I think my mother and father do, too I know you like to be on your own a lot; and you’re right: we are too young!’
’You keep saying that,’ he said, ’but still we end up going round in circles’
She looked downcast ’It’s just that well, the way you are, I never knohat’s what If only you’d tell me what it is that preoccupies you so I know there’s so, but you won’t say’
He looked about to say soo when it became apparent he’d backed off She tried eli, because you were like this long before you started to write In fact, as long as I’ve known you If only - ’
’Brenda!’ he stopped, grabbed her in his ared
her to a halt He seemed breathless, unable to speak, to say what he wanted to say It frightened her
’Yes, Harry? What is it?’
He gulped, drew breath, started to walk again She caught up with hirabbed his hand ’Harry?’
He wouldn’t look at her, but he said:
’Brenda, I I want to talk to you’
’But I want you to!’ she said
Again he stopped walking, drew her into an embrace, stared out to sea over her shoulder ’It’s a queer subject, that’s all’
She took the initiative, broke away, led hiht We walk, you talk, I listen Queer subject? I don’t mind There, I’ve done lanced at her out of the corner of his eye, coughed to clear his throat and said: ’Brenda, have you ever wondered what people think about when they’re dead? I raves’
She felt goose-flesh come up on her neck and at the top of her spine Even with the sun hot on her, the utterly emotionless tone of his voice coupled hat he had said chilled her to the marrow ’Have I ever wondered - ?’
’I said it was a queer subject,’ he hurriedly reminded her
She didn’t knohat to say to hiave an involuntary shudder He couldn’t be serious, could he? Or was this so on? That !
Brenda was disappointed A story, that’s all On the other hand, perhaps she had been wrong to neglect his writing as the source of his moodiness Maybe he was that way because there was no one to talk to Everyone knew that he was precocious; his writing was brilliant, the work of a mature man Was that it? Was it simply that he had too much bottled up inside, and no way to let it out?
’Harry,’ she said, ’you should have told ?’ his eyebroent up
’A story,’ she said That’s what it is, isn’t it?’
He began to shake his head, then changed it to a nod And suessed it,’ he said ’A story But a weird one I’ether If I could talk about it - ’
’But you can, to ivewith the ideas I’ve got now’
They carried on walking, hand in hand ’Right,’ she said, and after frowning for a hts’
’Eh?’