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Chapter One

Let h, lose patience, treat you shabby Now they says folks sposed to be kind to the afflicted, but let ot no complaints, cause I reckon I done live a pretty interestin life, so to speak

I been a idiot since I was born My IQ is near 70, which qualifies me, so they say Probly, tho, I’m closer to bein a imbecile or maybe even a moron, but personally, I’d rather think of mysef as like a halfwit, or somethin -- an not no idiot -- cause when people think of a idiot, olian idiots -- the ones with they eyes too close together what look like Chinamen an drool a lot an play with theyselfs

Now I’rant you that, but I’oes on in ht different than what folks see For instance, I can think things pretty good, but when I got to try sayin or writin them, it kinda come out like jello or somethin I’ll show you what I mean

The other day, I’m walkin down the street an this ot hissef a bunch of shrubs to plant an he say to me, "Forrest, you wanna earn some money?" an I says, "Uh-huh," an so he sets me to movin dirt Damn near ten or twelve wheelbarrows of dirt, in the heat of the day, truckin it all over creation When I’m thru he reach in his pocket for a dollar What I shoulda done was raised Cain about the loages, but instead, I took the damn dollar an all I could say was "thanks" or somethin dumb-soundin like that, an I went on down the street, waddin an unwaddin that dollar in my hand, feelin like a idiot

You see what I mean?

Now I know so I do know bout, but I done read up on euy’s idiot, to King Lear’s fool, an Faulkner’s idiot, Benjie, an even ole Boo Radley in To Kill a Mockingbird -- noas a serious idiot The one I like best tho is ole Lennie in Of Mice an Men Mos of theht -- cause their idiots always sree with that Any idiot would Hee Hee

When I was born, my mama name ht in the Civil War Mama always said as kin to General Forrest’s fareat man, she say, cept’n he started up the Ku Klux Klan after the as over an even oods Which I would tend to agree with, cause down here, the Grand Exalted Pishposh, or whatever he calls hissef, he operate a gun store in town an once, when I was maybe twelve year ole, I alkin by there and lookin in the winder an he got a big hang up inside When he seen me watchin, he done thowed it around his own neck an jerk it up like he was hanged an let his tongue stick out an all so’s to scare me I done run off and hid in a parkin lot behin some cars til somebody call the police an they come an take me home to my mama So whatever else ole General Forrest done, startin up that Klan thing was not a good idea -- any idiot could tell you that Nonetheless, that’s how I got my name

My ot kilt just after I’s born, so I never known hishore net load of bananas off one of them United Fruit Company boats an somethin broke an the bananas fell down on my daddy an squashed him flat as a pancake One time I heard some men talkin bout the accident -- say it was a helluva mess, half ton of all them bananas an my daddy squished underneath I don’t care for bananas ht

My ot a little pension from the United Fruit people an she took in boarders at our house, so we got by okay When I was little, she kep me inside a lot, so as the other kids wouldn’t bother me In the summer afternoons, when it was real hot, she used to put me down in the parlor an pull the shades so it was dark an cool an fix me a pitcher of limeade Then she’d set there an talk to me, jus talk on an on bout nothin in particular, like a person’ll talk to a dog or cat, but I got used to it an liked it cause her voice made me feel real safe an nice

At first, when I’s growin up, she’d let o out an play with everbody, but then she foun out they’s teasing me an all, an one day a boy hit me in the back with a stick wile they was chasin me an it raised some fearsome welt After that, she tole me not to play with theirls but that weren’t much better, cause they all run away froo to the public school cause maybe it would hep me to be like everbody else, but after I been there a little wile they coht’n to be in there with everbody else They let rade tho Sometimes I’d set there wile the teacher was talkin an I don’t knoas going on in my mind, but I’d start lookin out the winder at the birds an squirrels an things that was cli ole oak tree outside, an then the teacher’d coet this real strange thing come over o out an set on a bench in the hall An the other kids, they’d never play with et h at me -- all cept Jenny Curran, who at least didn’t run away frooin home after class

But the next year, they put me in another sort of school, an let one aroun collectin all the funny fellers they coud find an put e ole boys bout sixteen or seventeen They was retards of all kinds an spaso to the toilet by theyselfs I was probly the best of the lot

They was one big fat boy, musta been fourteen or so, an he was afflicted with so made him shake like he’s in the electric chair or soo in the bathrooo, so’s he wouldn’t do nothin wierd He done it anyway, tho I didn’t knoay of stoppin him, so I’d just lock mysef in one of the stalls and stay there till he’s thru, an walk him back to the class

I stayed in that school for about five or six years It wadn’t all bad tho They’d let us paint with our fingers an s, but mostly, it jus teachin us how to do stuff like tie up our shoes an not slobber food or get wild an yell an holler an thow shit aroun They wadn’t no book learnin to speak of -- cept to show us how to read street signs an things like the difference between the Men’s an the Ladies’ rooms With all them serious nuts in there, it woulda been impossible to conduct anythin more’n that anyway Also, I think it was for the purpose of keepin us out of everbody else’s hair Who the hell wants a bunch of retards runnin aroun loose? Even I could understand that

When I got to be thirteen, soun to happen First off, I started to grow I grew six inches in six months, an my mama was all the tirow out By the tihed two hundrit forty-two pounds I know that cause they took hed me Said they jus couldn’t believe it

What happen nex caused a real change in my life One day I’m strollin down the street on the way houy call me over an axed o to, an how come he ain’t seen me aroun When I tell him bout the nut school, he axed if I’d ever played football I shook hta tole him I’d seen kids playin it, but they’d never letconversation, an so I jus shook ain