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19 Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal: Oh Day Dwellers Doth Betray Me?

My heart has been torn asunder, and I am faced with the revelation that my most aweso assbag who has sullied my innocence and whatnot and then cruelly cast me aside So, that sucks

’Kayso, like it says in the Bible, "with great power, coto show off for Foo by diving through our boarded-up s So I was "doh," and I passed out-real passed out, like head-injury passed out, not vaave me blood, and I healed, so when I woke up in the bedroo area, my claws ready to rend flesh and kick ass

And I was all, "Rawr!"

And who do I see there but the vaone mad, who has never even seen me in this outfit, let alone as a vas were showing

And he was all, "Hi, Abby"

And I was all, "Rawr! FearSaying rawr is not a va"

And I’ my animal power and fierceness"

And he’s like, "No, you’re not, you’re just saying rawr in a big voice It’s not a thing"

"It could be a thing," I go, in my defense

And Jared is like, "I don’t think it’s a thing, Abs"

And I’m like, "Well then how about I drain you until you’re dust and put you in the cat box, Jared? Is that a va?"

And he was all, "’Kay I’"

So I looked at Flood with pity, having huentler monster that hu for some of us So, check it, I’m nossssss-feratu Like you, only, you know, not fashion retarded Speaking of, why do you look like theat Banana Republic?" Flood was always sort of jeans and flannel before, like he was caught in soe vortex, but noas like linen and tan leather

And Flood’s like, "I was running around the streets naked until a few hours ago"

And I was like, "’Kay My bad"

So he’s all, "Abby, we need to go I need to find Jody and I need your help"

And then Foo, who has been doing science stuff in the kitchen, comes over and he’s like, "Abby, I can switch you back I can switch you both back I already have Tommy’s serum made from before"

And I’m like, "You are tr��s cute when you’re threatened" And I jump over there and kiss him deeply-like I can hear a couple of his vertebrae crack But then I go to slap him, so he won’t think I’m a slut, and Tommy catches my hand

And he’s all, "Abby, you have to stop doing that You could kill him"

I’ And Foo’s all"thank you" to hi and don’t know that he’s being a total little bitch about it So I, like, turn on Foo and go, "Rawr"

I don’t care what Tommy says, Foo treo, Abby" Like Foo hasn’t said a word

And I graband start to pack in er, and Flood is all, "Leave that here"

And I’st and dark inspirations and whatnot?"

And Flood is like, "I thought we’d go suck the blood out of some people"

And I was like, "’Kay, but I’ I have subscribers" I do Well, a subscriber

And he’s like, "If we have to go to mist you’ll lose it"

And I’m like, "You don’t kno to do that"

And he’s all, "I do now"

And I’o to ancient evil vampyre school like you"

And he’s like, "I’m nineteen, remember? I went to public school In Indiana"

And Foo’s like, "You’re only nineteen? You’re not even old enough to drink?"

And Jared is like, "Shut up He’s her dark lord Our dark lord"

And Foo’s like, "Fine Go Be careful Textto save the world"

And To to try to save the woood as the world toI just looked at Toht then

So outside the love lair, which is technically not htful owners are not io, "So, where do we start?"

And Flood is all, "We start by finding a safe place to sleep during the day"

And I’m all, "The love lair Foo and Jared will be our minions and whatnot"

And he’s like, "The last time I went out there I woke up inside a statue, and the last tiave you blood with a sedative"

And I’m all, "No"

And he’s all, "Yeah"

And I’o slap hioing to change you back To save you"

And I go, "Without even asking? I think not, noble va back There will be screa"

And Flood’s like, "You don’t have any confrontation issues, do you?"

And I’m all, "No, I’m very insecure, actually, but I have found that if you roll up screaoing to mention the zit on your forehead" Which is totally true

"Okey dokey," goes the vah Low is probably safest, we can look for maintenance closets in the BART tunnels, but that keeps us out of the north end of the City, because there’s no subway there High, harder to find a place, but it gives us more choice, and it’s less obvious, if Rivera and Cavuto are looking for us There are a lot of utility sheds and meter shelters on roofs"

So I’ether?"

And Flood’s like, "No, but we’ll be dead in the sa, "How roh"

And Toood idea Jody lived in the north end of the City and so did I It et into the upper floors of a tall building and look down on other roofs, look for a shed or so up won’t be a proble for heat You know you can see heat now, right?"

And I’htbulb was leaking into the sky But how do you know all this other stuff?"

And Tommy’s like, "I have no idea"

And I was like, "If we find a roof shack with a pigeon coop by it we’ll have snacks ake up" I know, perky I must resist the perky Must resist the perky

So, like, an hour later we’ve found our sweet roof grave on a building in the financial district, and Flood and I are walking up Powell Street, toward California and the Fairmont, where the Countess was last seen And we are totally alive with the night There’s like two cities in the City I didn’t see it before There’s like the indoor city, the daytime city, with people inside of apartments and restaurants and offices, and they have, like, no fucking clue about the outside city And there’s the outside city people, who are in the streets all the ti place, and every tree, and where it’s dangerous, and where it’s just creepy The outside city people live on, like, a different plane of existence, like they don’t even see the inside people either But when you’re a vampyre, the two cities are all lit up You can hear the people talking and eating and watching TV in their houses, and you can see and feel the people in the streets, behind the garbage cans, under the stairs All these auras show, soht pink, like Foo’s, so at the corner of Powell and Post And I’aweso to be chill for Flood, but I want to know

So I’ around people?"

And he’s like, "It’s their life force You can tell how healthy they are by it You’ll be able to s, too, but you won’t know that right away"

I knohoa So I’m like, "Whoa"

And he’s all, "You see it for a reason"

And I’m like, "’Splain, s’il vous plaît"

And he’s all, "Because you’re only supposed to take the sick, the dying It’s part of our predator nature I didn’t know that before I-I was lost, but I know it now"

I knohoa So I’m like, "Okay, how do you turn to mist?"

And he’s like, "It’s mental Completely You can’t think about it, you just have to be"

And I’ with me, aren’t you?"

And he’s all, "No, if you think, it doesn’t work You have to just be Words get in the way I think that’s why the cats do it instinctively That’s the key Instinct I don’t function well on instinct I’uy, too," like a total dwee-bosaurus I kno is it that I, acting Mistress of the Greater Bay Area darkness, can be reduced to spewing nano-brained beauty-queen dialog when I should be enjoying the heady power of my vamp immortality? Si I can do about it If a guy does or says so romantic, I’m all, "Oh, please excuse me, kind, sir, let me dial down my IQ and oh, if it would please sir, may I offer you this moist, yet helpless va-jay-jay that see tihts tih if I was Cathy, I would have hunted down that Heathcliff guy and beat hi crop like a sado-hooker with his Black Card on file Just sayin’

So there’s nothing at the Faire desk, who talks to the front-desk guy who says that he’s not at liberty to talk about guests, when I whip a hundred-dollar bill on hiain after the day the cops ca for her He said the cops took a cooler from her room

And Tommy’s like, "She just vanished"

And I’ of blood and ten thousand dollars inas they put some blood in it, unless they’re lactose intolerant

And he stops and looks at me He’s like, "Really, ten thousand? Think that will be enough?"

And I’m like, "Well, you’ll have to drink the cheap stuff, but I like to drink my lattes directly out of the veins of a toddler, and those little fuckers aren’t cheap"

And he’s like, "Okay, you just completely creeped me out"

So I’et coffee and do some vamp stuff, like beat up so up pi for the Countess and they kept trying to recruit me because I’m am so awesome sexy that desperate losers will totally pay to doand whatnot, but I still kind of feel like they would have taken advantage of me because of o beat the where you tear their heart out and show it to the Tr��s macabre, non? Plus, I’ll bet the look of surprise on their faces will be worth it Did you do that when you were out slaughtering people with Chet?"

"I don’t re people"

"That’s why the pi to recruit me You and Chet ate all their hos"

"Youhos sound pretty Talk poetry to me, writer boy"

And he looks all heartbroken and whatnot And he’s like, "That’s what Jody calls me"

And I’m like, "Sorry Where do you want to look for her now?"

"I don’t know What time is it?"

And I look at the watch that the Countess gave me, and I’m all, "A little after one," in my I am total poop on a stick voice

" Polk Street"

And I’m all, " Why Polk Street?"

He’s like, "Because I’ic"

And I’ic!" I was teic celebration, but I thought it ht reveal my secret

’Kayso, we roll into this coffee shop on Polk Street, and it’s all full of hippies and hipsters and couples on dates and drunks sobering up and whatnot And everyone turns and looks at us I’m about to chuck a spaz, because I realize that I haven’t fixed my makeup since I bounced my face off the plywood in the love lair

So I’m all, "Tommy, psssssst, do I look like a cannibal corpse on crack?"

And he stops and looks at me for a second, and he’s like, "No more than usual"

And I’m all, "Do I have raccoon eyes?"

And he’s like, "You’ve kind of taken your broken clown look to the next level, with the crusted blood around your mouth You look cute"

Flood can be very sweet for a doofus froht decision to choose him to be my Dark Lord, even if he was only nineteen instead of five hundred

So I feel like I should say so nice back, so I’m like, "You’re not as pathetic in those clothes" Then I realize that didn’t sound as nice as I liked, so I’m all, "I want a triple soy latte with type O in it while we’re waiting for ic and whatnot"