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"Nothing really," I lied so obviously I was shocked when he si s I need to remember"

Ryder looked back down at the words on my stomach and wrist and when his eyes ranite, intense with anger and frustration and so that looked like… concern "And why do you need to remind yourself that your soul is free?" He bit out the words ravel The reverence fell away and left only hatred for words he didn’t even understand

I ether, afraid to answer hier to divulge every last sordid detail of ht was so ridiculous, the action so close to cohter before I could burst into tears instead

"Ryder, seriously, they’re just words Just little sayings I thought were… whatever I don’t really have a cool story or anything I was drunk one night in Arizona and bored and I convinced this guy to ink ret it," I ra Phoenix’s hanging shirts and jeans nervously

"You were drunk during rehab?" Ryder pressed skeptically

My mouth snapped shut when I realized I said Arizona out loud and that Ryder had correctly associated the tiret it," he accused, reaching forthe drums between us

My shirt fell back down to cover h me with my tattoos exposed My mind spun with all the ways Nix could find out about the their lives for the world to see? If I was tagged in soled heartbeat and the random Facebook friend would have no idea how they sent me toabout…

But still

"You don’t regret it," Ryder pushed, his expression flashing with determination "Otherwise you wouldn’t cover them up so carefully Why do you need to cover a tattoo that your shirt already covers, Ivy?"

"You wouldn’t understand," I bit out I could explain this Or I could brush it off like it was nothing Or I could just walk away; remove myself entirely from this situation Which is what I wanted to do… but as exactly not happening

"What does the word ‘blackheart’ ed withit across the void between us

I h to interrogateI could possibly be feeling "What do you think it uys?" he guessed accurately

"Hoould you know?" I countered, trying to put him on the defensive, still not ready tobattle If Ryder kept trying, kept putting all of him into these questions like this, like he wanted to know every single intiive in I felt raw froation, completely rubbed down to the bone Exposed

"People talk, Ivy Especially about you All I have to do is listen," he explained gently I winced at the co in his eyes for me to trust him "Is that about Sam? Do you think you have a black heart because of Saation How dare he! How dare he bring up Sam and assume that’s where allon a screwed up, pathetic, life-ending cake "Don’t talk about Sah clenched teeth I wrappedto protect everything hurt and broken inside… trying to protect Sa that night, Ivy I knoas the one drinking, not you I know you can’t blaht post and sent himself to the hospital," he paused to let his words settle in My chin started quivering before I registered that I was on the verge of crying and I looked up desperately at hi him to stop "You do not have a black heart because soh to drive intoxicated and recklessly ruin his life"

There was a full est those words… listen to them… really hear the to u to convince

"I know all that," I said so softly Ryder took a step forward to hearto school Going to more parties With Chase And there will be et to graduate high school And live my life And I won’t look back at hiuys before theet out of here… I have to" I paused for breath, to get so out And then I announced with a tiny gesture toward oing to say was cut off abruptly when Chase, Phoenix and Kenna walked into the roo about soh, not turning, not even acknowledging them Quietly, so only I would hear he said, "That’s only true if you believe it, Ivy"

I nodded like his words had some deep impact on me, but the truth was I did believe it All of it Because it was true His psychobabble was completely lost on me But I didn’t want to invite any more conversation with Ryder about it, so I turned htfully sad and just nodded

Ryder let out a frustrated sigh, apparentlyshot

"Ryder-"

He cutto tell anyone, Ivy"

He was disappointed in me

But at least he knew the truth At least his eyes were completely opened to the vapid, black hole of e wave of his angry disillusionh Ryder Why did I care soIvy your drums," I heard Ryder announce after he leftwith myself whether I could leave the closet and face the others or if I would need to pretend sickness so I could get Chase to take h to face everyone, but I wasn’t I eak, and selfish and…

"Hey, you Ok?" Chase asked from the doorway His happy, all-Alanced quickly over his shoulder as if gauging if he should confront Ryder or not