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Current Day

Ella

I don’t knohy I’m in here I started to run down the street with so oing to explode The rain was pouring down and all I could think about was getting as far away froht up with me and I pulled myself back somehow

My clothes drip on the bathroom floor, which is still stained red fro at the bathtub

So died in me when I found her, but I’ht, I’d been so detero to that stupid party that I left her at the house alone, even though e of her

There was one simple rule: keep an eye on mom And I couldn’t even follow it

"Ella, what are you doing in here?" Micha observes me from the doorway, his clothes and hair drenched with rain

I cuddle o to your bedroom with Naomi"

"Okay" he sounds confused "Why do you sound upset, though?"

"It doesn’t matter," I say "None of this matters"

"Of course it matters" He sits down beside me and drapes his arm over his knees "Otherwise you wouldn’t be in here"

"You’re right, it does er between the cracks in the tile "I don’t want you to be with Naomi"

"Wait a minute Do you think I hooked up with her?"

"Isn’t that what you norirl back to your roo," he irl back tohim say that makes me feel better and I start to face the inevitable I can run all I want and try to shut s for Micha will always be there - they control me

"You know, you scared the shit out ofat the bathtub "The way you looked when I found you I don’t ever want to see that look in your eyes again - that emptiness"

"It was my fault" I let it fall off my chest and crash into the world "I was supposed to watch her that night, but I was selfish and thought that stupid party was more important"

He turns my head toward him and looks me in the eyes, so I can see how much he means what he says "You’re not selfish You were seventeen and you made a mistake just like every other seventeen-year-old out there does"

"She died because of my mistake" The words scratch at my throat "If I would have just stayed home like I was supposed to then she wouldn’t be dead"

"You have to let this go," he says, his voice strained "You can’t keep bla that was out of your hands"

"I wish I could have a redo" Tears sting the corners of ain"

He covers ht need to talk to so to haunt you forever"

I suck the tears back and wigglecrazy"

He shifts in front of me onto his knees, takes my face in his hands, and forces me to look at him "Look at , but you’ve been through a lot of shit and you h it"

"I think I’m more fucked up than you realize," I say "I can’t even look in a mirror anymore"

"That does sound crazy" He tucks ood look at me "You’re beautiful"

I shakeelse Like if I look in the mirror I have to see what’s really inside"

"What’s inside isn’t bad"

"Yes, it is If you knew the truth, you wouldn’t want to be with me"

He assesses?" I ask as he steers me by the shoulders to theback at reen eyes, wet hair stuck to her head, and in to recoil, but he holds me in place and forces me to look at myself

His aqua eyes lock on ht, I felt co able to help you, whether it’s if you fell off the roof and needed to go to the hospital or you needed help cli since ere kids and I loved every second of it, but that night there was absolutely nothing I could do to help you I never want to feel that way again" He takes a deep breath and lets it out gradually "I love you, Ella May and nothing will ever change that You can push me away - run away - and I will still love you"

Hot tears pour out of my eyes and down my cheeks My shoulders start to shake as I turn to him and bury my face into his chest His ars fasten around him like he is my lifeline, and maybe he is

He carries me into my room as I continue to sob and he lies doith me on the bed It’s dark and the h the openTears spill continuously to downpour fro the beat of his heart I keep crying years of tears that have been bottled up until finally ain

Micha

I wake up early inin a state of panic Ella is fast asleep inontoto her It’s what I’ve alanted, but so feels unresolved within et in too deep with her She needs so me, I can’t be that for her

But I will be

Carefully, I raise her head fro on the couch, there’s a broken bottle on the kitchen floor, and the back door is wide open I lock up and then juarette butts and my mom’s car is parked in the driveway

The inside looks just as bad and I feel like a dick for leaving it for ht now, I’ll chicken out So I hurry to my room, where Ethan’s passed out inover the side He still has on the clothes froarettes

I stuff so and collectso his eyes

I swing the bag overon a little road trip I’ll be back in a few days"