Page 90 (1/2)

6

Alexander woke up and found Tatiana sitting in the chair She was sleeping, leaning forward on his bed by his side, her blonde head covered with a white nurse’s kerchief It was quiet and dark in the large room, and cold He pulled the kerchief off her and touched the wispy strands of hair falling on her eyes, touched her eyebrows, traced his fingers around her freckles, her little nose, her soft lips She woke up "Ho"

"Tania" he whispered, "when aly, "you don’t feel whole?" She bent over hiht" She paused, and added in a whisper, "Like I love"

Alexander put his arms around her Tatiana’s arms went around his neck as she tenderly kissed his face, her hair brushing against him "Tell me a memory," he whispered

"M for?"

"You knohat I’htly as her breathy voice whispered, "I re our blankets in front of the fire, and youed you to stop" Tatiana s you to stop?"

"No," he said huskily "You are not for the weak, Tatiasha"

"Nor you," she whispered "And afterward, you fell asleep right on top ofbody I didn’t evenyou were still on top ofhis eyes "I re Every word, every breath, every sae pie you cooked for me I remember it all

"You tell me a memory," she whispered "But quietly That blindto have a heart attack"

Alexander pulled the hair away fro by the door of the banya while ere alone and inside and so hot and soapy, and I kept saying to you, shh"

"Shh," Tatiana whispered breathlessly, glancing over at the sleepingto pull herself away "Wait," he said, holding her to hi"

She smiled into his face "Yes? Like what?" Alexander knew she knew the look in his eyes "You ine"

Bringing her face flush to his, she whispered, "Oh, I can ian to unbutton the top of her nurse’s uniform

Tatiana backed away "No, don’t," she said softly

"What do you mean, don’t? Tatia, open your uniform I need to touch your breasts"

"No, Shura," she said "Soet in trouble Soet aith holding your hand, but I think this would be frowned upon I think o of her hand, Alexander said, "I need ainst my face, just for a second Come on, Tatiasha, open the top of your uniforand obviously uncomfortable, she undid her uniform Alexander wanted to feel her so , he thought, watching her hungrily as she opened the uniform to her waist, stood very close to hiasped so loudly when he saw her breasts that she reeled back and quickly pulled her shirt down Her breasts had grown to twice their previous size; they were swollen and roaned, and before she could back away farther, he grabbed her aro," she said

"Tatiana," Alexander repeated "Oh, no, Tania"

She wasn’t fighting his hand anyo," she o "Oh nant"

Speechlessly he stared at her shining face

"What the hell are we going to do?" he asked finally

"We," she said, kissing hiet well, so we can get out of here"

At a loss for better words, Alexander found a way to ask, "How long have you known?"

"Since December"

He was clammy "You’ve known since before you ca you were pregnant?"

"Yes"

"You gave nant?"

"Yes" She smiled "Yes"

Alexander turned his head to the isolation tent, away from the wall, from the chair she was next to, and away from her "Why didn’t you tell me?"

"Shura," she said "This is why I didn’t tell you I know you -- you’d be worried frantic about me, especially because you’re still not well yourself You feel like you can’t protect"I’m better than fine And it’s still early The baby is not due till August"

Alexander put his arm over his eyes He couldn’t look at her He heard her whisper, "You want to seehis head, he said, "I’ll sleep now Come and see me tomorrow" He felt her kiss his forear

How could Tania not understand the terrors that haunted hi to get through NKVD border troops and hostile Finland with a pregnant wife? Where was her sense, her good judgirl who blithely walked 150 kilo me money so I could run and leave her She has no sense at all

I a my wife and baby out of Russia on foot, Alexander said to hihts turned to the Fifth Soviet communal apartment, to the filth, to the stench, to the air-raid sirens everyher frozen infant on her lap, and he tre in the Soviet Union or risking Tatiana’s life to get her hoest army in the world, Alexander felt un when Tatiana came to feed him breakfast, Alexander said quietly, "I hope you know, I hope you understand that I’nant"

"What are you talking about? Of course you are"

"Forget it"

"God, Shura, that’s why I didn’t want to tell you I kno you get"

"How do I get, Tatiana?" he said hotly "Tell et out of bed How a here powerless, while my wife--"

"You’re not powerless!" she exclai you are, you still reive e, soldier Look what I found for you -- eggs I have an assurance fros and not dehydrated You tellfrom Helsinki to Stockholm in trucks on ice for 500 kilos she was holding out for hih "Why is this the nature of your beast?" she asked "Why do you always get like this?"

"How do I get?"

"Like this," she said, giving his "Eat, please--"

Alexander threw the fork on the metal tray "Tania, have an abortion," he said adamantly "Have Dr Sayers take care of it We’ll have other babies We’ll have many, many babies, I promise All we’ll do is have babies, we’ll be like Catholics, all right, but we can’t do e’re planning with you pregnant, we just can’t I can’t," he added He took hold of her hand, but she yanked it away and stood up

"Are you joking?" she said

"Of course I’m not Girls have them all the time" He paused "Dasha had three" Alexander saw by Tatiana’s face that she was horrified

"With you?" she asked weakly