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"Officer," I say, and hold up the rectangle of paper "My ticket’s not working"

"Just go under," he says, and then takes a slurp from his bucket-sized Styrofoam coffee cup and turns his back

I crawl under the turnstile and walk out into the early- sunshine

I’m not really sure whatpast Lauren’s house, which is right next door to her father’s church

Standing across the street looking at the house, I sort of feel like the house is looking back at me--like the two second-floor s are eyes and the row of downstairs s are a mouth Kind of like what you see in old horrorto life like a face

I have this stupid fantasy where I ring the doorbell and Lauren answers in a white bathrobe--that givesthe silver cross I gave her We talk and I thank her for praying for ree that kissing was a mistake, before we shake hands and wish each other well--like everything is forgiven But it’s all just bullshit and I know I messed up with Lauren in a way that can’t be fixed easily, which is so unbearably depressing

"Fuck," I say in real life, standing on the sidewalk across the street froLauren to kiss me--a hypocrite even

A bad person

I walk away

I’ll probably never talk to Lauren again and I’m okay with that

It’s best

Maybe I only pursued her because I knew a relationship between us was impossible Like she was a safe test for ion crao too far But I ended up failing the test, so what does that mean?

I don’t know

It’s kind of horrible that she’s the first girl I ever kissed, because I’ll always reirl kiss, which will re else that happened afterward And I start to worry that every single tier a flood of ht Like ets ain, so I head over to Walt’s and key in

THIRTY-SIX

I hear the TV blaring

Walt so, so I’m not surprised by the voluart fil

I hear Katharine Hepburn’s uppity voice and know he’s watching The African Queen again

"HELLO?" I say as loud as possible as I walk under the chandelier

Walt doesn’t answer and when he seesin the room’s entranceway, he sort of jumps in his recliner, looks at me for a few seconds, turns off the movie with the remote, and says, "Leonard?"

"It’s ie all night I was really worried about you I thought that--I called your home, but no one answered and--"

We just look at each other for a long ti and I don’t want to talk about last night

Finally, he regains his composure, falls back into the safety of our routine, picks up his Bogart hat off the arm of his recliner, pops it onto his head, and pulls his old-ti the , his voice higher that natural, playing Rose Sayer, Katharine Hepburn’s character in The African Queen

I adjust ie doesn’t wear this type of hat in thisyou’d understand"

"I siine what could be the matter It’s been such a pleasant day What is it?" he says, staying in character

But suddenly, I don’t really want to trade Bogart ular speaking voice, I say, "Yesterday was bad, Walt Really terrible"

His eyes open so wide "What the hell happened to your hair?"

Words escape in to explain it all to the old man?

In an effort to avoid eye contact, I stare at the picture of Walt’s dead ho hangs eternally young on the wall

Sea-foaart-era hairstyle

Mysterious eyes that pop and seehteen in the photo but she’s dead now I know Waltat the picture with this sad look in his eyes I wonder whather picture on oofyat s

I look down and remember Herr Silvernificance of the h last night, so I say, "I know I acted strange yesterday I’ you want to know later, Walt I swear to god I’ll answer every question you got But for now, could we just watch the rest of the art hats? Can we do that? It would mean a lot to me if you just let me watch the movie with you I’m really tired I don’t have ht It really was I need soie medicine Whadda ya say?"

He looks at ure art We can do that," real cautiously, likeutterly sincere and honest--art hat back on and sit down at the end of the couch closest to his recliner

He hits play on his remote and the picture on the TV coets stuck ininto the water, he returns covered in leeches Since they’re stuck in theto die But Rose prays and it starts to rain and the river rises and they’re saved miraculously A whole bunch of other stuff happens with evil Gerlaze over, I zone out, andAsher anda un pointed at my classmate--like it wasn’t even real How fucked-up scary that seeht As I sit here next to Walt, I feel kind of grateful for this e as that sounds--like I just narrowly avoided some awful, demented fate