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"My life will get better? You really believe that?" I ask, even though I knohat he will say--what most adults would feel they have to say when asked such a question, even though the overwhelests that people’s lives get worse and worse until you die Most adults just aren’t happy--that’s a fact

But I knoill sound less like a lie co to do the work"

"What work?"

"Not letting the world destroy you That’s a daily battle"

I think about what he’s saying and I get it on some level I wonder what Herr Silverman would look like if I followed hiood work he did during the day So unlike the 1970s sunglasses woman who called me a pervert and all of the other miserable train people I’ve followed I bet he’d listen to an iPod and ers would look at him and wonder why the hell he’s so happy They’d probably resent him Maybe they’d even want to kill hi soht I’d kill myself either," I say

"That’s why I’m here I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t think you orth it"

I look at Herr Silver at all

I look so long the tension between us builds and starts to feel aard, even if Herr Silverun in the river, Leonard Trust in the future Go ahead Do it It’s okay Things are going to get better You can do the work"

Maybe because I want to rid ht, maybe because I want to please Herr Silver fun to chuck stuff into rivers, I take three quick steps toward the water and throw the P-38 like a booht of the distant city and then it disappears a few seconds before we hear it plunk into the river and sink

I think aboutthe Nazi officer who first carried that gun

I think about how far that gun had to travel through time and space to end up at the bottom of a Delaware River tributary

And how stories and objects and people and prettycan blink out of existence at any tihter S andwith Horatio the dolphin after the nuclear holocaust S has all of these cute freckles on her face Her eyes are gray like mine Her hair is bobbed at her chin

"I wonder if we’ll find un," I say to her in un when you were a kid?" she replies

"Good question," I say, and then we both lower our masks and fall over the side of the boat into the water

Even though I know it’s just silly fiction, the thought warms my chest--I have to admit

"So what do we do now?" I ask

"Anyone home at your house?" Herr Silver home with me"

THIRTY-THREE

In the cab, Herr Silver with someone he calls Julius

I can tell by the look on his face and the way he’s poking his cell phone that Julius is not cool withabout that or ask any questions, even though Herr Silverman’s facial expressions sort ofcab, roll to the sidewalk, run away bruised and bleeding, and take a train back to New Jersey

I’ I told him--like maybe it was a mistake to be honest I’ nice to my face, but then when I leave he’ll tell Julius that I sicken hi ood and understands--but it’s hard to make myself believe in Herr Silver, the cab fare iswith h Herr Silverman says I don’t have to He’s a teacher, so I know that two hundred bucks is a lot for hih the little plasticthat separates the cab driver fro about how shaky I ahty dollar tip because fuck Linda ill be paying the bill, butand you can barely read the numbers I write

"Is this okay?" I ask as alk up the steps, and even my voice is all over the place wobbly

"Is what okay?"

"Having a student over to your apartment"

"Is it okay with you?"

"Yeah, but aren’t there school policies forbidding you to do this sort of thing? I et you in trouble"

"Well, I do believe this is an extenuating circumstance And if you don’t tell anyone, no one will know"

"Okay," I say, and stick my shaky hands in my pockets

If any other teacher had said this tosome sort of perverted plan--but not Herr Silverman, I tell myself You can trust him