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"Your essay was brilliant, Leonard Perhaps the finest I’ve co I read it several tiuments--you could be a fantastic lawyer if you wanted to be"

I keep staring at those few clinging leaves, waiting for her to flip the praise into scorn like she always does

Who the fuck would want to be a lawyer? Being forced to argue forsides you don’t even believe in

After a dramatic pause, she says, "But you didn’t answer any of the simple multiple choice questions Why?"

"You only ask those to make sure everyone read the play," I say "My essay clearly proves that I read the play, right? I demonstrated proficiency, did I not?"

"They orth thirty points You didn’t demonstrate the ability to follow simple directions That counts in my class and in life too Noto have to follow instructions once you leave this high school"

I laugh because we’re talking about her grades and points as if they’re real or so that I’m about to kill Asher Beal and then myself makes this conversation all the rade You can fail me It doesn’t matter"

"That’s very noble of you, but you have to think about your future, Leonard"

"Do you think Hamlet would have followed directions if he had taken this exam? Do you?"

"That’s hardly the point"

"Then why do you make us study characters like Hamlet--heroes--if we’re not supposed to act like thee acceptance letters and all the rest Do what everyone else is doing"

"Hae," she says weakly, because she knows I’ side

I s at the tree She has no clue Never in her wildest dreaination is so liination It lish teacher is

She says, "I’ve tried to contact your--"

I usevoice to say, "Make you a wholesome answer My wit’s diseased But, sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command--or, rather, as you say, my mother Therefore no more but to the matter My mother, you say--"

Mrs Giavotella just sort of stares at me like she’s afraid, so I say, "You’re supposed to ju voice I say, " ‘Then thus she says: your behavior hath struck her into a froht? You can’t be that oes blank and her mouth becomes an O, like I slapped her hard

Eventually, she stands and walks to her desk

I watch her write a pass

She hands it to me and in this new stern faraway detached voice she says, "I’lad that you found Ha on with you, but I have to report your bizarre behavior to Guidance I just want you to know that And I’m not really sure what you’re after, but I try very hard to be a good teacher I spend a lot of tiy on my tests and lesson plans I care about all of my students, thank you very much" In a whisper, she says, "If you want to throw that in o to hell" Much louder she says, "When you’re willing to talk straight with ain even one second late, you won’t be permitted entrance You understand me?"

I look into Mrs Giavotella’s eyes and her lids are quivering, which is when I realize that she’s going to cry just as soon as I leave the roo to be her last memory of me I’m not really sure why, but I feel terrible all of a sudden Like I want to pull out the P-38 and off myself in the bathroom stall If I didn’t have to deliver the other three presents and shoot Asher Beal in the face, I probably would just get it over with and be done with everything

I have the pass inat the almost completely bare Japanese maple outside her classroom

What makes sad people want to look at that tree?

Her back fat is hanging over her bra strap and it h school for being so short, overweight, and squishy She probably hich ood teacher," I say "I knocked my own hat off too I’m an asshole, okay? A HUGE asshole I don’t deserve to have such a fine teacher as yourself Okay? Don’t worry about the stupid things I said I’ht I’ll answer multiple-choice questions in the future if it will make you happy I know you work hard on your lesson plans and--"

Without facing o, Leonard Please"

"Are you okay?"

"I’d like you to leave now," she says in a shaky voice

So I do

THIRTEEN

LETTER FROM THE FUTURE NUMBER 2

My Dearest Hamlet,

I’m five foot five with short brown hair (think pixie cut), a cute ass (or so you say, and I believe you because you can’t keep your hands off it!), and I wear a full (perky) B-cup You find me irresistible and we e to do itall sorts of creative positions too That ought to get your horny little teenage ine sex every day with another huer you believed you wouldn’t ever have consensual sex with anyone--that you would die a consensual virgin, which would have been a sha, you LOVE sex