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You Never ForgetYour First Tiined it could But I had as much help as one person could possibly ask for Beth met with me daily, even after o rejoining the purity club to continuewith her I found our sessions infinitely helpful, and figured Sawyer and I saw enough of each other, that I could probably last the rest of the year without being in the club with her

That wasn&039;t to say I didn&039;t participate in anything Sawyer and Ms Reynolds talked to Sally, and convinced her to let me join social events for the club I wasn&039;t sure if now that the school knew my story, it was suddenly socially acceptable for me to be a prim and proper &039;Safe and Sound Club&039; member, or if Sally just trusted me with Sawyer now, but after a brief talk with the principal, she had readily agreed to letting ames and dances and even a couple choir concerts (I loved having the excuse to hear Sawyer sing and she onderful at it), all to spread the joy of living life substance free

As I got over the lunacy of one club trying to change teenage behavior, I started to see that the club was actually helping so on their own events - dances and fundraisers and bowling nights - all in an attempt to show kids how to have fun in a "clean" way As Sawyer and I went to these events, I started to see people truly begin to co thes or alcohol or promiscuity, instead of self-io, they blosso to watch It sort of roup

As winter started shifting into spring, the climate toward me had pretty much thawed as well A few assholes still chose to badmouth me, and Brittany still tried (in ale between Sawyer and I (which, at this point was such an i succeeded in doing, was giving Sawyer andlunch), but thethe the advice of Sawyer and Beth, I keptthe in return Most of them only needed to hear my story once, and then were content to let my past die and accept who I was now Most people had just been confused by the swirl of rumors and my abject silence They hadn&039;t understood, and had been afraid to ask

Eventually, I formed a small circle of peers, friends even Randy and Sally started beco out with Sawyer and I often Randy even tried out for baseball with me, and we both made the team I hadn&039;t been too surprised about that Eventually that tea like a second fao, and I started being more involved in ht group I&039;d had before, but it was enough to start bringing me back to life

And Joshwell, after second semester started, and Sawyer and I caether plus a free "study" period, I didn&039;t see hih for ether, the contact we had was prettyhiirlfriend across ca with Will on the steps of theas Sawyer and I approached for first period

He didn&039;t speakeither It was almost like I&039;d become invisible to hiat er than was necessary as we passed by each other on the stairs

I didn&039;t knohat he thought of ht to ask Beth what he&039;d said about ainst it What she and I discussed was nothing I&039;d want her to talk about with anyone else, not that she would, and I had to believe that Josh felt the same

It was nearly three months after our brief words to each other in the principal&039;s office, when I was sure we&039;d never speak again, that we ran into each other in the first floormy hands when he walked in the door I looked up in the istered hi in the open frame His eyes locked withto leave No one else was in here and I was pretty sure Josh didn&039;t want to be alone with ly, he didn&039;t He sniffed and looked down, then walked into the roo closed behind hiwhat to say to hio to a stall, to shut me out But then he paused and looked back at ard look on his His dark eyes had nearly as dark of circles underneath they and unkey letterman&039;s jacket He looked more tired than I&039;d ever seen higles we&039;d gone through earlier in the year, I wanted to see hiain A tiny part of ain Even if his smile had been a vindictive one back then, it had at least been a smile

My brow furrowed in concern for hih Josh had a circle of friends, none of them were probably that invested in his happiness Josh didn&039;t exactly have a "Sawyer" to look after hily taken back that I&039;d ask hi to say he was fine, but then he sighed and seemed to slump "No," he whispered "Iover to stand in front of Josh He looked up atslowly, like he wanted to sleep, but hadn&039;t been able to in a really long time I completely understood that "I do tooevery day"

Josh nodded and looked at our feet He was silent for long seconds and I started to think thatto say to ain "You swear you were sober?"

I bit my lip and sed back the lump that suddenly seized up er in his dark eyes as he waited for my ansaited to see if I&039;d be truthful I slowly nodded and my voice was thick when it finally carave It was just a really horribleaccident"

Relief coursed through me as that word passed my lips, relief and a small trickle of peace It had been an accident and finally adhter Josh cocked his head, gauging the sincerity in ain, but not before I saw the tears start to form I let him keep his emotion hidden from me, let him keep his head down

I putit hard "I&039;ht over" I didn&039;t finish that It was pretty s differently I just didn&039;t knohat

What had happened wasn&039;t soht of as going to happen At the ti what I could to be a responsible friend, driving my other drunken friends home Maybe I could have slowed my speed, maybe I could have made sure my friends were safely buckled But really, would that have changed the outcome? I felt another trickle of peace come into me I&039;d done what I couldthe rest hadn&039;t been up to me

Josh looked up athim, but didn&039;t really want to stress this tenuous connection ere having Wanting to help in so how, I removed ot sent to Mrs Ryans"

He nodded, his eyes guarded, and I continued with a shrug of my shoulders "Yeah I wasn&039;t too thrilled to see her at first either" I looked down and added quietly, "She really helped h"

I bit my lip to not ask hi hi away fro leaving, but instead of uess It&039;s hardbut I&039; to her"

I looked up and he , I nodded at him "Good"

The silence stretched between us as we si to bust in here looking for me, I shifted to move My adjustment broke our silent stare down and as ain

"Do you still feel like killing yourself?" I hesitated and looked back at hiain as his face becahtly shook his head and with a wavering voice said, "Does that ever go away?"

Finally understanding that he wasn&039;t really talking aboutabout his own, I turned back to hi my hand on his shoulder "No, I don&039;t want to die anyets better Day by dayit does get better"

He sed and nodded, his head hanging down again Deciding it arranted, I gave hi "Calllike an agree like Josh needed a ether, Iit, I heard hi you, Lucas"

I looked back at his sad, tired face, wondering if I&039;d ever again see that kid I used to know I nodded at him and rasped my hand and askedconcern and told her everything that had just happened

Later with Beth, I repeated the encounter She didn&039;t seeht maybe Josh had told her already It pleased ain my hope for him soared We talked more about Josh and then our conversation shifted to the topic it had started shifting to of late, Sawyer and I

I talked openly to Beth about everything - past and present, and inal status was no exception As therelationship with Saent by, I started to feel so that surprised me a little I started to feel like I wanted to irl That was a pretty big step forout for a dead girl for a really long ti a typical &039;wait until you&039;re married&039; response from the adult across froht that was fine, as long as ere ready, emotionally and physically She cautioned me to be safe with our bodies and our hearts I found that much more helpful advice

As it turned out, the physical aspect of safety wasn&039;t an issue Sawyer had confessed toa frankly honest conversation, that her parents had put her on the pill after her suicide attempt, when the truth behind her reason for the attempt had come out They&039;d assumed a &039;better safe than sorry&039; approach to the whole matter and Sawyer hadn&039;t felt the need to tell them it was an unnecessary precaution, since she wasn&039;t planning on sleeping with anyone ever again after her one awful experience Of course, once she&039;dthe pill had seemed wise to her too and she&039;d continued with it Itthat she&039;d been interested in h her first tiood thing, since he&039;d turned out to be a two or three or six tinancy now, thanks to her overprotective parents, and both of our fairly inexperienced bodies were completely healthy, she&039;d told o there, she didn&039;t want a condom barrier with me She didn&039;t want anymore barriers between us, physical or otherwise The entire revelation made me oddly happy I&039;d be the first man to be inside her, skin to skin (and hopefully the last) It wasn&039;t exactly virginity, but it was enough toclaiuess I was a little possessive

Thatjust our hearts to consider And as we spenteach other with tender kisses and caresses, I felt more and more at ease with the future of our hearts She loveda part of myself away fro It was soain for a living person And I wanted to show her how deeply I felt it, but I wanted to ht reasons Well, to be honest, I held off partially because of nerves But mainly, I held off because I wanted toto do with Lillian

I hadn&039;t dreaoodbye to me, and I felt relief and sadness froain, I&039;d known that all along That didn&039;tit was fake It had almost made it better, since I&039;d had soh never as much as I&039;d wanted But still, a part of oodbye less painfully It eluded ettable

As Sawyer and I got even closer to each other, I took this to be a good thing, like Lillian&039;s absence was her way of saying, &039;go ahead, live your life I won&039;t interfere&039; I wanted to tell Sawyer that I wanted to tell her that I was finally ready to go through that final step with her, that I&039;d let o Days later, ere in my room after baseball practice, that she had stayed to watch, as she often did, I lazily ran h her hair as she lay beside ht ht off fro a nice dinner with Sheriff Whitney Since their relationship had gone "public", they&039;d decided to tell his wife the truth They had decided to do it together, and I&039;d supported their decision A real relationship couldn&039;t be continued on lies, from either party From what I&039;d heard later from my mom, his wife hadn&039;t been surprised by the announceh, she&039;d adreat at hiding the secret and she had known for a couple years She also admitted that she didn&039;t mind That seemed odd to me at first, untiland she wanted to leave her husband happy, and Mo to stay the same until his wife passed, so he could care for her, albeit it in separate bedrooms, their relationship was now out for everyone to see, and date nights were aMy ivings about the nature of their relationship go If all parties were okay with it, as I to criticize it?

So Moht and Sawyer&039;s parents weren&039;t expecting her back for another couple hours, since they were pretty coer "visits" We were alonecohosts No one but the two of us were here in my roos around each other, I felt like it was the perfect time to tell her that I wanted to be with her, that I was ready to be with her I just didn&039;t kno to bring it up But, as she so often did ere together, Sawyer spoke hts for ers ran over azed up at me I leaned down to kiss her, but her voice stopped otten really close, Lucas And if you&039;re ready to azed at her suddenly serious expression Her eyes flicked between mine as she softly continued, "I don&039;t want to rush you, if it&039;s still too soon after" She shrugged and bit her lip "I just wanted you to knowthat if you were readyI wouldn&039;t say no" Her hand cupped my cheek as her eyes looked over my face "I love you," she whispered

I sed back the al her simple declaration It passed so easily froht with it "I love you too, Sawyer" My fingers running through her hair stopped at her jaw and ht about her words, about everything we&039;d been through this year, about everything we&039;d been through in our short lives And, as I traced the perfect heart-shaped double arch of her upper lip withI&039;d lost with her, because we&039;d waited for so long "I aht now"

I leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled away from me She eyed me warily as I cocked my head at her reaction "Are yousure?"